Sex Drive (2008)

Okay, I was going to post the Repo Men review on Saturday but I had a date. Not just any date, mind you, but the climactic Third Date. So I'm just getting around to posting stuff today. Ahem.

Anyway, my current paramour came over early on Saturday morning and he brought a movie. Specifically, he brought the movie Sex Drive. It wouldn't have been my choice, but then, I picked Repo Men for our second date and he stuck around. It was only fair.

It's not a terrible movie. It's a very typical desperate-dude-tries-to-find-someone-to-pop-his-cherry-and-confuses-sex-with-intimacy. It was apparently based on a book written by someone who had never seen The Sure Thing or even Eurotrip. As with many of these movies, the supporting characters are what seals the deal, so to speak. In this case, Seth Green as a devastatingly sarcastic Amish mechanic, and James Marsden as a psychotic but charmingly abusive elder sibling really elevated the movie from 'tolerable' to 'hilarious in parts'.

I know I had just set a schedule for myself and here I am, already fucking it up. I'll try to be better for you guys. I've got Donnie Darko coming in the mail tomorrow or Tuesday so come back for that.

Repo Men (2010)

I am so sick of this trend of taking perfectly good movies and adding some cheap "twist" at the end. The good twist movies are good because they are relatively rare and present a dramatic paradigm shift that changes your impression of the last two hours you just watched. Memento is a good example of this. I didn't particularly care for the film, because I felt downright lied to, but it was a solid twist. Even the French judge wouldn't deduct points for that.

They know a good twist when they see one.

Repo Men could have been a good straight-forward action flick, not necessarily something you'd remember afterwards but not a total waste of your time. But they just had to tack on this ridiculously contrived, patently obvious "twist" ending that demotes it from 'fun popcorn flick' to 'utter drivel'.

If you want to see a movie about organ repossession, I suggest you skip on over to Netflix and check out Repo: The Genetic Opera.

I know what you're thinking: "But, Lucy, doesn't that have Paris Hilton in it? Won't I get herpes of the eyes or make the skies rain blood?" and the answer is yes, Paris is in it. You can get past that, though, because you are strong! Yes, it is a card-carrying opera (the dialogue is almost completely carried in song), and yes, her voice sounds like a cat caught in an accordion. Fortunately, she is playing a character that thinks she's a better singer than she is, the irony of which should immunize you to the eye-herpes. Sarah Brightman is in it and it's shot in a graphic novel-pulp comic style (think less Frank Miller/Allen Moore and more Bob Kane/Stan Lee) so there's that, and it's truly original.

Such cannot be said about Repo Men.

Fools Rush In (1997)

  I'm not sure why I even own this movie. I was cleaning my apartment today and I threw it on because I hadn't seen it in ages. It's not the type of movie I buy or even the type that I watch regularly. I can't even remember when or where I was when I bought it. It's like the Invisible Bodysnatcher of movies, just kind of showing up on the shelf.

It's a completely innocuous movie. It's got Salma Hayek and that other guy from Friends. They meetcute, he knocks her up, and they live happily ever after. Like Knocked Up only with more attractive people. If you like that kind of thing, you probably wouldn't hate this movie.

A note from the editor...

So, I've been reading a lot about how to blog effectively because I want this to be a fun experience for the people who take the time to read what I write here. One piece of advice jumped out at me and it was "Make a posting schedule and stick to it". I haven't been doing that. I've been trying to post stuff when I watch it, which is just unwieldy. I watch movies all the time but I just have a lot of trouble posting my reviews during weekdays. Sometimes it's because it takes me a day or so to really focus on what I liked or didn't. Sometimes it's because I'm watching American Idol.

Damn you, Seacrest!

So, I've decided that when I see a film during the week I will just write out my review/thoughts/rants on paper and upload them on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. From now on, you can always count on new material on those three days. It might be a lot, might be only two or three things but it'll all be new.

Also, I've been thinking about doing a podcast so let me know what you think about that idea in the comments.

Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)

  First off, HUGE Boondock Saints fan. I must have shown that movie to a dozen friends over the years, with all the zealous fervor of a true convert. Love, love, LOVE that movie. When I heard there was going to be a sequel I was equal parts horrified and elated. "How dare they try to capitalize on such a great movie, those bourgeois Hollywood hacks!" I screamed to the cat. "But what if it's awesome?" some traitorous Gollum-like part of me whispered back.

The face of my optimism.

I remained divided, waiting for news releases. The second I heard (on the internet, so it must be true) that they weren't able to get Willem Dafoe but they were somehow bringing back David Della Rocca, well....something died in me that day. I believe you call it hope.

So I foreswore the sequel, didn't watch the trailers, didn't see it in its limited theater release, and tried to pretend that it never was. It just hurt less that way.

Then, I came upon an interview with Troy Duffy (the director) on iesb.net that was choked with spoilers, a rich seam of platinum-quality spoilers which I will do you the courtesy of NOT repeating so you can have the experience through faith that I denied myself.

It's not the same Saul-on-the-road-to-Damascus experience as the first one, how could it be? You can't duplicate that kind of lightning strike. This is decidedly more polished, more sly, with bigger names (Peter Fonda!) and conspicuous nods to other action movies, especially Godfather II.

It's still a great movie. All the bits for the old fans, new characters for the new fans, and a teaser ending for a, dare I say it?, trinity of films. Apropos, no?

War (2007)

  Also known as "The Magic of Plastic Surgery".

Remember how I was just saying that I was Jet Li fan? Yeeeeah, about that. I like Jet Li. I like Jason Statham. I don't know what it is about the combination that ends up being Lucy kryptonite. I hated The One and I hated War. Actually, that's not even true. I hated the next to last 15 minutes of War. The "Big Reveal" as it were.

From here on out, it gets kind of spoiler-y. Be ye forewarned.

Okay, so the whole rivalry thing? The "you killed my partner and I've destroyed myself personally and professionally in order to bring you down" thing they have going? All crap. Thanks to the miracle of plastic surgery, the partner is able to change his height, skin tone, skull structure, body type and accent along with every recognizable facial feature. If I were Jason Statham's character, I would have kicked the shit out of that guy before I got capped for being a dick. Eh, now that I consider it some more, he totally deserved to die.

District 9 (2009)

I didn't get to review this one in time for the Oscars but I didn't take it out of my queue because I was genuinely interested in it (unlike some others *cough*Precious*cough*).

I had received varying reports from people I trusted prior to my own viewing, which filled me with a frisson of fear, as the one thing I loathe is to waste my non-refundable time on a movie that wasn't worth watching. My cousin loved it and even got a little misty-eyed (commence deriding her mercilessly in the comments) and my friend pronounced it a disappointment. I resolved to see it and put an end to dissension once and for all!

I really liked it. I thought it was hilarious (cat food! come on!), slyly satirical, and it had a lot of shit blowing up. That's a trifecta of win, people. I didn't get teary-eyed over the treatment of the aliens, though I will say that the "popcorn" scene was quite disturbing in its own way. The only "Awww!" moment for me was the very, very end. This is probably not enough to convince others of my non-android status, but what are you going to do? I don't have feelings.

I was highly impressed by the writing, editing, and overall cinematography but the integration of CGI was the real high-dollar item for me. People can go on and on and on about Avatar all they like but when you watch it, you know it's fake. Fake people on a fake world, no matter how beautiful, still look fake. District 9, maybe because it doesn't try to be pretty, doesn't try to dress up the aliens to look like blue cat-elves, comes off as so much more realistic.

Fearless (2006)

  I love this movie. First off, I'm a huge Jet Li fan. Even the really crap films he did in the beginning of his career. This is one of his better ones but that's not the main reason I love it so much.

Fist of Legend is probably my all-time favorite Jet Li film and Fearless serves as kind of an awesome non-canonical prequel to it. I say non-canonical because the Tanaka from FOL is kind of a douche and a drunk but the one from Fearless is all zen and honorable in a badass kind of way. There are other little differences but whatever. I don't really care about that. Both the movies are good.

What really blew me away about Fearless, though, was the message. I am a big believer in personal redemption, in the ability of each person to expiate their failures through good works and humility. I don't think that there's anyone that is beyond saving as long as they are committed to change. I think the conversation Huo Yuanjia and Tanaka have over tea is one of the more beautiful philosophical musings I've ever heard in film. It really appealed to my aesthetic in how pared down the metaphor was, as well. There was not a single extraneous word.

I found the entire movie to be extraordinarily well-crafted, beautiful, and up-lifting. You know, as much as killing a man over a stupid misunderstanding, living in self-imposed exile in penance for said killing, returning to stand up for your country, then getting poisoned and dying publicly can be up-lifting.

Oscar night!

Okay, so the Oscars are over! How did we do? Win some money in the office pool? Or did you bet on Avatar?

Poor James Cameron. He'll just have to be content with his GIGANTIC PILES OF MONEY.

So, The Hurt Locker. 6 wins out of 9 nominations. Not bad for what was basically an independent film. I have to say, even with ten films nominated, Avatar and Hurt Locker were really the only two serious contenders, with Precious running as the dark horse.

Rotten Tomatoes did a little pre-game speculating and they were right on the money for most categories, including Jeff Bridges, Mo'nique, and The Cove for Best Documentary.

Side note to Rick O'Barry: I know you have a cause that is super important to you but holding up a handmade sign asking for donations via texts during the acceptance speech is tacky. See the backlash from Marlon Brando's infamous rejection of his Academy Award for the type of comments you're probably going to get tomorrow.

I thought the opening number with NPH was freakin' hilarious and I think the dual hosts of Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin were an excellent choice on the part of the producers. However, the abstract dance number during the Best Original Score part left me completely cold. What the hell was that? Where are the costumes? Where's the spectacle? You can't just bring up the cast of Step Up 8: Jazzercize Rebellion and call it a night! It's the Oscars!

It almost made up for it by having Ben Stiller as a Naavi. That was a Win.

Coco Before Chanel (2009)

Nominated for: Best Costumes

Man, between the blizzards, the flu, and the Olympics I have fallen completely behind on my reviews! As you know, the big night is tomorrow and I am very excited.

I wish I could say that about Coco Before Chanel, but I can't. Christ on a cracker, that is a boring-ass movie! It's even worse because I was expecting to enjoy it. I love Chanel's aesthetic, I like Audrey Tatou; this should have been a shoe-in. Instead, it was a complete snooze-fest. Instead of seeming like an iconoclast, Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel comes off as a smart-mouthed, surly snob. If I wanted to see that, I'd film myself. It's predictable, dull, and slow-paced. Honestly, the most exciting part of the film was the preview of The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus at the beginning. I watched that damn thing three times.

This is definitely substance over style and I seriously doubt Mademoiselle Coco would approve.

Now I'm going to go see Alice in Wonderland to shake off this movie.