House of Flying Daggers (2004)

  I remember the first time I saw this movie in theaters. It was 2004 and I was living in Georgia. My (at the time) husband and I went to see this because we were both big Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon fans.

I was so pissed over the ending. I felt completely cheated and I didn't understand at all, which made me hate it. And yet... The imagery and story stayed with me. I found myself mulling over it at the oddest times during the next six years. So I bought it. It's rare for me to feel anything for longer than a moment, and I always want to reward (or at least possess) things that accomplish that.

I re-watched it for the first time since on Wednesday. Maybe I'm more cynical now, but the ending made a depressing sort of sense. Don't get me wrong, I seriously doubt I would ever do the same, but it didn't feel like a betrayal. I was able now to see it as an even more highly stylized operatic fantasy than CTHD. The vividness of the colors, the shifts in season that don't correspond to reality, and of course the spectacular stunt-work combine to tell a story that I can at least respect, even if I can't identify with it.

My last boyfriend was a Chinese linguist and we had numerous discussions about Asian films. I don't think we referenced this one by name (I think we were talking about The Curse of the Golden Flower) but I mentioned how depressing it was that **SPOILER ALERT** everyone dies **END SPOILER** at the end of every Chinese movie. He said that it was just part of the style of film-making over there. Even their comedies end like that. Call me culturally insensitive, but I prefer to have at least ONE major character live to see the end credits. Still, I can't fault them. They told a story and they told it well. It may not be how I would have written it, but I can't hold that against them.

Movie crap I found that was interesting and a TV update

Again, I only saw one movie this weekend, posted yesterday, because of the truly insane amount of TV I've been trying to watch. I'm three episodes away from the end of House season 5, notable as the season where Kal Penn's character...leaves the show... /looks around for people who haven't seen it yet who could be carrying pitchforks and/or torches with which to chase and ultimately destroy people who ruin twists.

We seem to be safe.

I'm halfway through Lost season 1 and Criminal Minds season 2. Of the two shows, Criminal Minds is something I don't feel terrible about watching piecemeal. I feel like I can throw in a disc, watch a few episodes, then go do something else without causing some sort of terrible rift in the space-time continuum. It is in essence a procedural cop show, a CSI for the brains of serial killers. Every episode follows a certain format and even the early departure of a regular cast member (though not for the same reason Kuttner left), has been done. They took the pretty brunette (Lola Glaudini) and replaced her with a pretty brunette (Paget Brewster). This is not a jibe at its expense; it's a good show. The episode with Anton Yelchin as a nascent psychopath is particularly good.

And not just because it lets me use the word nascent.

Lost is an entirely different story. Holy shit, this show is a trial! I kind of hate all of the characters. Pregnant Girl has just been kidnapped, Hobbit Guy survived a hanging, Spoiled Girl sang some French Bobby Darin, Doctor Martyr is a big martyring martyr, and Lying Girl is a murderer. The only good thing I can see is Oceanic Airlines apparent "no uggos" ticket policy. That island is like a eugenics factory. And yet, I am fascinated by what is going to happen next. This show feels like it is part of a six-year story arc.

Enough with the small screen. On to the movie gossip!

From the internet, I have gleaned the following things:

There are 4 new Wizard of Oz movies coming out over the next couple of years. One is Robert Downey, Jr. in a prequel called Oz, the Great and Powerful, one is a sequel directed by Drew Barrymore called Surrender Dorothy, there's another one being developed by Warner Bros., and an animated one called Dorothy of Oz that will star Rachel from Glee as Dorothy.

Antonio Banderas is getting his own Shrek spin-off movie called Puss in Boots. Salma Hayek plays his purr-amour (kill me). He should just leave his wife and marry Salma. It's what the people want, apparently.

Jonah Hex has completely failed at the box office. Right now it is looking at a $60 million loss. I'm not going to see it. When the Unrated Director's Cut comes out, I'll put it in my Netflix queue.

This post is already longer than usual so I'm just going to end it here.

Toy Story 3 (2010)

This movie was so sweet it gave me a headache. Seriously, I thought I was going to have a fucking aneurysm. I love Pixar. They have never made a bad movie. I liked Cars the least out of all their releases but it was still hilarious.

I read four or five reviews of this movie on Friday. It was sitting at 100% on RT at the time; I haven't checked back since. It takes a lot to get me to see a movie aimed at children on a weekend where I will most likely be forced to interact with them. I still shudder when I think of A Series of Unfortunate Events back in 2004. But universal critic rating? That'll do it.

So I went on Saturday night. There were a number of children, but more annoyingly, there were tons of tweens. Who the hell let these little monsters run around unsupervised? They already skew the votes on all the reality shows, can't we not let them decide box office choices as well? Whatever.

The movie starts with a short called Day and Night and it was the first time I have ever thought 'This would be amazing in 3D.' THAT'S how good Pixar is! Thank God they seem to only use their powers for good...so far. I don't think it was quite as good as the short Partly Cloudy before Up but it was very cute.

The only negative thing I read about the movie itself was that the first 20 minutes dragged before the action really kicked in. I don't know what kind of ADHD people major publications have reviewing movies nowadays, but I didn't get that at all. The first 20 minutes were probably my favorite. I don't want to give up any real plot points because they've been discussed multiple times on other sites.

This was the first villain I felt was a little flat. He didn't have any really good lines like Syndrome from The Incredibles, and he seemed the most out-and-out malicious versus misunderstood or misguided. Maybe it's because I missed all the early promotional fake commercials Pixar released, but Lotso Huggin Bear was just as boring a villain as he was a toy. Plus he had that super-creepy John Huston-from-Chinatown kind of vibe. It made me wonder exactly what he did to Big Baby to keep him around. Blech. That's the first toy that seems like it shouldn't be allowed within 500 yards of a daycare. I'm just sayin'...

Everything else about the movie was pitch-perfect. All the new (good) characters are great without being overbearing and the ending... well, it's worth it. It'll make you remember that moment in your own childhood. At least it will if you happen to be part of the 33% of audience that passed puberty. Everyone else: it's coming. Look forward to it.

No movie today

Normally this space would be full of movie. But since I only watched the two this weekend (Wolfman and The A-Team) I don't have one to put here. Still, I'm trying to keep to my three-post schedule so I figured I'd tell you about what I am watching.

A lot of TV.

Seriously, like a lot of TV. Currently, I'm watching season 5 of House in my personal collection (because I'm on H), season 2 of Criminal Minds from Netflix, and season 1 of LOST that I borrowed from my cousin. And that's just TV on DVD, not to mention all the regular summer stock like Lie to Me, Burn Notice, and So You Think You Can Dance (don't judge). I had to cancel True Blood just to have time to catch up on all the rest...and because the show has steadily lost my interest as it diverges from the books. And even that is a temporary respite because TNT just moved Leverage to Sunday night starting on the 20th.

In non-TV-viewing time, I recently started Krav Maga lessons, I have pet owner responsibilities, I'm semi-sorta dating somebody, I have a cross-stitch to be finished, and 5 full bags of books waiting to be read. And of course, I have a full-time job. Add all of that up and I am a busy, busy girl.

Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining (well, except about True Blood, but don't get me started). I'd much rather be busy than bored. It's a good thing that this summer blockbuster season seems to be fairly sparse. There's only been a couple of movies that I've felt I needed to see and a few more that I've made note of for when they hit Netflix in a couple of months. This Friday brings Jonah Hex, which I'm on the fence about, and Toy Story 3 which I will probably not see because it is in 3D and I'm trying to not support that medium wherever possible. I still kind of want to see Splice too.

So never fear, readers! Or reader. Or empty space. Whatever. Movies will be forthcoming, along with utterly biased commentary. Just not today.

The A-Team (2010)

So many people talked about this movie. I was super-excited about the idea, was counting down the days til it came out, and even compared other films to it preemptively.

I wish I had some Plan B to rid myself of this celluloid mistake. What a waste of time. Everybody said The Losers was "The A-Team Lite". Well, those people are retarded. Of the two movies, The Losers was miles and away the better. And it was only so-so.

This was just bad. I mean, terrible. To make matters worse, the first half of the movie is pretty fun. It's got a good mix of humor, explosions, and exposition. But the shittiness of the second half completely erodes all my good-will. If you've read more than one entry here, you know how I feel about shaky camera-work during action scenes. If you're just tuning in, I HATE IT. All camera operators: have your seizures somewhere else. Don't ruin my good time by trying not to bite off your own tongue at work.

The director/writer Joe Carnahan tried so hard to make the movie resonate more than the TV show that he added a bunch of touchy-feely moments between characters. One of the main ones involves Bradley Cooper and Jessica Biel in a photo booth. It's supposed to be full of longing and unresolved sexual tension. It's actually boring because there is zero chemistry between the two actors. Another involved Bradley Cooper and Sharlto Copley. That was actually more painful because they weren't pretending to be attracted to each other.

The story is ludicrous and the action pieces at the end are ridiculously overstaged. I feel sorry for Patrick Wilson for being a part of this movie. He was in Hard Candy, for God's sake! He deserves better! This movie was a shameful rip-off of Ocean's Eleven and should be dishonorably discharged from this planet.

The Wolfman (2010)

  I saw this one in the theaters back in February. I didn't post a review because I was busy with all of my Oscar coverage. I just bought it and rewatched it on DVD which seemed like as good a time as any to describe my thoughts.

I am not a fan of Benicio Del Toro. I think he's a mush-mouth, which I could get past if I found him in any way attractive. Still, I remember hearing the casting news and thinking "he could pull this off". Werewolves shouldn't be attractive. It makes it hard to believe them as monsters.

I was happy to see there were a number of practical effects in conjunction with the CGI. Transformation scenes can be rendered ludicrous if the CGI is off. Fur, in particular, seems to be hard to pull off. I also really liked that they wait to show you the monster. Things are always much scarier (and flaws are easier to hide) when everything is half-glimpsed and shadowed.

The DVD comes with the option of watching the theatrical release or an unrated director's cut. Since I had already seen the theatrical release, I chose the latter. I didn't expect much; these things are typically just a way to sell more copies. Usually, all you get is about 10 minutes of different footage that you couldn't have cared less about. Maybe one or two little tidbits of background.

Not so with The Wolfman. I was shocked, shocked, at how different it was. There are a few inconsistencies with how they edited the scenes back in but they're not deal-breakers.

EXAMPLE

Theatrical Cut: Brother's fiancée writes a letter to Lawrence Talbot, telling him of his brother's disappearance.

Unrated Cut: She travels to New York to tell him in person.

Inconsistency: The movie makes references back to the letter she wrote.

There's a really nifty scene set on the train that was cut completely from the theatrical version, probably for time restraints, that references the Beast of Gévaudan. That automatically won me over. For a movie that is only tangentially related to the Beast's story but still kicks an inordinate amount of ass, see The Brotherhood of the Wolf. Yes, it is in French but you'll get over it. Even people who hate subtitles love that movie.

Anyway, I know the critics have been unkind to it, saying that it is "deficient of suspense". No shit. Really? The original has been a by-word for horror for almost 60 years and has been remade countless times. If you're surprised at all by how this movie ends, welcome to your first visit to planet Earth. We hope you enjoy your stay. There are a few jump-outs and a couple of scenes that are genuinely creepy (mostly during his hallucination-while-fighting-the-initial-bite phase) but this shouldn't make you want to sleep with the lights on.

Untamed Heart (1993)

This concludes "The Christy Experiment". Ugh. Untamed Heart. Jesus. This was definitely the worst of the three. It's about this one slutty chick who works as a waitress. One night as she's walking home alone and unarmed, two assholes jump her in a park. Enter the creepy silent busboy from work. He kicks the dudes' asses and takes her home.

God, I can't begin to describe how many fucked up things were in this movie. It was a total trainwreck from beginning to end, everything you DON'T DO in a relationship. Here's a tip, ladies: if someone breaks into your house and decorates a Christmas tree in your bedroom while you sleep, you don't seek them out. It's not romantic, it's a felony. Call the cops and have him arrested. When he tells you that he believes a baboon king gifted him with a heart, that's not wistfully sweet. It's dangerously delusional and will cause him to leave a hospital against medical advice.

When Rosie Perez is the most reasonable person you know, it may be time to re-evaluate your choices.

I want to scrub this movie off of me like the toxic waste it is.

Gangs of New York (2002)

So this is part two of what I am now calling "The Christy Experiment". I have now sat through five hours of Daniel Day Lewis. I think there's a merit badge or something involved.

I gotta say, I was not optimistic about this movie. Practically everyone I knew told me how much it sucked and I counted myself lucky that I had missed out on that one. Then my cousin picked it as part of her birthday present.

I hated it a lot less than The Last of the Mohicans. I would have said I liked it, but the ending completely squandered all the good-will it had been building over two hours. Seriously, if you rent it, only watch disc 1. Make up your own ending after that and you'll be better off.

There is a lot of violence in this movie, which I will privately refer to as The Departed prequel. The cinematography is gorgeous and, in all aspects of technicality, it is awesome. The cast of course is impeccable. It's Scorsese. The story is almost Shakespearian in that a man tries to revenge the death of his father but has a moral dilemma when he comes to respect the killer as an honorable man. He handles it horribly, of course. Women are much better at the long revenge plan than men, I think.

There is a lot of tension in the film stemming from immigration issues and the Civil War draft which involves some impressive riots. There is also the aftermath of the Emancipation Proclamation and there is gratuitous use of a particular racial slur. Parents beware.

But let's talk about the most interesting piece of this film:

Meet Bill "The Butcher" Cutting. Why do they call him The Butcher? Because he's a butcher. He also only has one eye. The story behind that is too awesome to spoil. Sadly, I think it's on disc 2 so you'll have to suffer for it. His fake eye has the shield of the union on it. Badass. He throws knives, yells constantly, and whores around. **KIND OF A SPOILER** He gets shot at a theater (not during "Our American Cousin", although that would have been hilarious) and immediately has a foursome with some surprisingly fit 1860's hos. **END SORT OF SPOILER** Except for the rampant, almost frothing xenophobia, he's quite likable. You know he has to die (not a spoiler, come on), I mean, he has to die. The world is not big enough for men like that. But you feel bad about it, like when King Kong eats pavement at the end of his movie. You can't just let him go around wrecking shit but it still sucks.

So it came |-| that close to getting the Liked It tag, but no cigar.

Last of the Mohicans (1992)

  Okay, a little background. This is sooooo not my type of movie. As a matter of fact, I have previously made fun of it. Why would I put myself through the bullshit of watching it, you ask? I'm a really nice person.

*THUD*

That was the sound of me laughing myself out of my chair and onto the floor. I'm better now. My cousin's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and for her present, I offered the following: I would watch any three movies of her choosing with an open mind and I wouldn't trash them to her face. It was originally only one movie but she couldn't decide so I upped it to three with the caveat that I could be as mean as I wanted to online, just not to her face. I felt this was a generous offer.

Some background on my cousin: She's smart, funny, really pretty (seriously, I won't talk to uggos, even if I'm related to them), and mostly awesome. She only has one major flaw, which is that she's nice. I mean, like, she believes in the basic goodness of mankind. I'm trying to beat it out of her but it manifests in this disturbing preference for movies that involve feelings. /shudder

My idea of a sentimental movie ending is the protaganist tenderly placing the desecrated corpse of his enemy as a tribute on the grave of his slain love/mentor. Her movies end with a wedding and/or baby.

Still, never let it be said that I am close-minded (I totally am) or rigid (completely inflexible) when it comes to respecting other people's tastes in movies. With that in mind, I present: Last of the Mohicans (polite clapping)

The first thing I noticed about this movie were the opening credits (hardy har). Specifically, the name Michael Mann jumped out at me. I had heard this name but I couldn't place it. A quick internet search later and it turns out this guy has produced/written/directed a whole bunch of movies that never seemed interesting enough for me to watch and Heat, which was a good film. In linear spacetime, this movie was like his first super-big one which made me much more forgiving of its flaws.

Flaws like incredibly long pauses while the characters stare at each other (I think it's supposed to connote sexual tension but just seemed like they couldn't think of anything to say), stupid dialogue when they finally do talk, and generally not being believable as two people who are madly in love. Hell, they can't even pull off being credible as a Scotswoman or a white dude raised by Indians. Madeleine Stowe can't fake any accent and I kept waiting for Day-Lewis to ask for a pint of Guinness.

Before she gets all depressed that I hated her favorite movie, let me throw out that I liked everything else in the film. The bad guy was a seriously bad motherfucker (never trust anyone that speaks exclusively in third person), the English were all arrogant assholes, and the two actual Indians were pretty likeable. The action sequences were extremely well-done, large-scale things and the cinematography was beautiful. There was one scene early on of a red bridge over a completely still river and the reflection of the arch is so perfectly mirrored in the water that it looks like a seamless circle. I wanted to screenshot it and save it as the background for my computer. Sadly, I lack the skills required for that sort of endeavor. I can barely link shit to this blog. A Photoshop wizard, I am not.

So, yeah. I'm guessing only me and a bunch of dudes are the only people who've NOT seen this movie so I don't really know to whom I would recommend it. If you're a girly girl, you've seen it; if you've just hit puberty and you're a girl, your mom has shown it to you; and if you're a dude, you don't want to see it because there isn't enough action to balance out the shitty romance part. So I'm just going to stop now.