The Hobbit: the Battle of the Five Armies (2014)

This concludes my Hobbit-watching experience.  It took me the better part of a week to get these watched.  I have to say, it was a much better experience to see them all together.  It felt much more cohesive.  Apparently, the fifth army consists of the deus ex machina eagles that show up near the end of all these movies, thanks to Tolkien's lazy ass.

This will most likely be the last of my personal movies for a while, since I am going to be focusing primarily on the Oscar nominees.  I should be getting the first one from Netflix today and hopefully, going to see one of the bunch that's still in theaters this afternoon.  Stay tuned!  Originally posted 28 Dec 2014.    My mom was so excited to see this because the previous movie, The Desolation of Smaug, ended on a cliffhanger and it pissed her off.  I was interested but not overly invested.  She, on the other hand, was determined to see this movie through.

When last we left Bilbo Baggins (Martin Freeman), he had woken up the dragon Smaug (Benedict Cumberbatch) and watched in horror as the great beast headed out to burn the fuck out of the island town of Laketown.  Bard the Bowman (Luke Evans) was locked up for being a troublemaker and his family, a handful of dwarves, and Tauriel the elf (Evangeline Lily) were in town.  Meanwhile, Gandalf (Ian McKellan) was a prisoner of the ring-wraiths because he went in the stupid haunted castle even after the wizard with bird shit on his face told him not to, and Thorin (Richard Armitage) started searching for the magic rock that was his birthright among the tons of gold Smaug had accumulated.

Ok.

Bard breaks out, gets the iron arrow, and kills the dragon.  Yay.  He starts gathering the surviving humans and marching them towards the dwarf mountain to get the money they were promised so he can rebuild the town.  Tauriel and Legolas (Orlando Bloom) start investigating where precisely all these goddamn orcs are coming from and the dwarves rejoin their main company.  Things seem to be looking up, except now Thorin has gone all paranoid and kinda murder-y over finding the Arkenstone, which Bilbo grabbed and held onto.  When the humans come calling, Thorin essentially tells them to go fuck themselves, giving the Elf King, Theranduil (Lee Heart-Meltingly-Beautiful Pace) an excuse to round up an army and set it at the dwarves' gate.  Undaunted, Thorin sends a raven to call up an army of his own, led by his cousin Dain (Billy Connolly), to defend his new throne.  The orcs meanwhile have two fucking armies to wipe everybody out.  Where's the fifth army?  Who the fuck knows.  I only counted four, and really only three, because the orc army was just technically two divisions under one general.  So I have no idea why they called it the Battle of the Five Armies.

It's a Hobbit movie.  At this point, it's the sixth Hobbit movie.  If you don't know by now whether they are for you or not, I can't help you.  These three are really only about the shameless cash grab and holding on to the character rights so they can inevitably remake them in about ten years.  It does have some good moments in it and, of course, the special effects are top-notch.  Gun to my head, I'd say wait until it's on video and then watch all of them together so you remember everything.  Early on I was struggling to recall why the characters were in some of the places they were in this film because it's been a year since the second one.

Stand-out moment for me:  Galadriel (Cate Blanchett) makes an appearance and is a total badass.  That is one scary bitch, you guys.  Also, shout out to Christopher Lee who is 90-years-old and still metal as fuck.