The Mirror (1975)

  This movie made not one bit of sense.  I can't even judge it because I did not know what was happening 95% of the running time.

An unseen narrator (Innokentiy Smoktunovskiy) reminisces about his childhood, his divorce, and the history of Russia as he lays dying.  

I literally got the synopsis off the Criterion description.  Is that what happens?  Kinda.  The film switches between black and white and color, historical footage and scripted, memory and present with no real rhyme or reason.  There's one scene with a doctor saying that the main character is dying but no actual cause?  Like he's a Victorian woman someone said no to too loudly.  The character's mom and ex-wife are played by the same actress (Margarita Terekhova) which is some Freudian shit.  People berate one another for no reason, then cry.  Is that a Russian thing?

It reminds me of some of the films I watched in my German cinema class in college.  This was a generation removed from WWII, so they grew up surrounded by horror but with no direct experience of war.  It definitely feels like a trauma response, like when you walk into a room that's been destroyed and you try to make sense of what happened there.  It also reminds me of Terrence Malick films where it's less about plot and more about feelings.  I hate feelings.

This is considered one of the all-time classics of arthouse cinema, of Russian cinema, and director Andrei Tarkovsky is hailed as a visionary.  It was not for me.  It was too far removed from my own experiences and I felt like I was flipping through a photo album I found at a garage sale.  It's currently streaming on the Criterion Channel.

Machine Gun Preacher (2011)

  This really tested my resolve to finish.  

Sam Childers (Gerard Butler) is an ex-con heroin addict, and frankly, an asshole until he almost murders a hitchhiker.  His wife (Michelle Monaghan) convinces him to join her church and Sam slowly gets his life back together.  He hears about a relief mission to Uganda and joins up to do construction.  There, he meets Deng (Souleymane Sy Savane), a soldier for the Sudanese Liberation Army.  Sam wants to see the civil war for himself and becomes deeply upset by the number of orphaned and lost children.  He decides to raise money to build an orphanage.  But as the war continues, Sam finds himself stretched further and further from where he started.

One of the things I found deeply ironic and hilarious is that Sam almost killing a man is the impetus for him becoming a Christian, and then he goes to Africa and for sure kills multiple people.  Like, fires an RPG at a car carrying literal children.  

Let's be clear: this is a White Savior narrative.  The civil war and child soldiers are backdrops for Sam's journey.  Everyone in this film exists to bolster, aid, or comfort him.  It is the Green Book of Beasts of No Nation.  

It's based on a true story; there is an actual Sam Childers who went to South Sudan in 1998 and founded an orphanage.  He wrote a book about his experiences which became this movie.  There is also a documentary of the same name produced by Childers.  How much of the true story is actually true is apparently a matter for some debate.  

Machine Gun Preacher is currently streaming on Starz and the documentary is also available on Amazon Prime.

Homefront (2013)

  Another one that has taken seven years or so to get to the top.  (It wasn't even at the top, just in the top 100 before it popped up on Netflix streaming.)  I'd like to say it was worth the wait but ehhhhhh.

Phil Broker (Jason Statham) is ex-DEA, having quit after a sting gone wrong.  He moves to his deceased wife's hometown in backwoods Louisiana with his small daughter, Maddy (Izabela Vidovic).  An altercation between Maddy and a school bully puts Broker squarely at odds with the town's resident tweaker princess, Cassie Bodine (Kate Bosworth), who calls on her brother Gator (James Franco) to dole out some hillbilly retribution.

This is mostly a B-grade Punisher/Walking Tall knock-off.  It's not the worst action movie I've ever seen but it's definitely not the best.  The most notable thing about it is the incredible cast list.  Winona Rider, Clancy Brown, and Frank Grillo all have side parts here and the screenplay was written by Sylvester Stallone.  

James Franco does get punched in the face a lot by Statham, which is nice.

It's currently streaming on Netflix.

Camelot (1967)

  It was a very musical weekend.  This is the feature film version of the Broadway musical.  I had watched the film Broadway production in one of my classes at community college and added the feature to my queue to see if there were any differences.  (That was about seven or eight years ago, if you're tracking how long it takes something to move to the top of my queue.)

King Arthur (Richard Harris, reprising his role) struggles to create a lasting, peaceful kingdom focused on justice and rule of law with the help of his wife, Guenevere (Vanessa Redgrave, also reprising), and best friend, Lancelot (Franco Nero, new!).  But when those very same laws require him to condemn the two for their adulterous affair, Arthur must choose between his love and his country.

It won three Academy awards, one for every hour of runtime.  Seriously, it is three hours long.  No musical needs to be three fucking hours.  I am certain the Broadway production was not that long.  I'm pretty sure it never had the characters of Pellinore and Mordred, but it's been almost a decade so I'd have to do research to be sure.  I'm basing this on the fact that they didn't have songs and you could cut both of them and still tell the same story.

This is not my favorite Lerner and Loewe.  (That's Brigadoon.)  The film does do an admirable job of showing the toll willful ignorance takes on Arthur both as a man and a king.  It could have shown more of the friendship between him and Lancelot but then it would have needed a fourth hour and now we're moving into miniseries territory.  Guenevere comes out as the worst character.  She is portrayed as spiteful, shallow, and vindictive, and the blame for the affair falls squarely on her instigation.  Lancelot is a helpless naif against her wiles.  It is absolutely not my favorite take but sadly common for these legends.  

It is only available if you have a Hoopla subscription or for rent from Vudu or Google Play, but I wouldn't bother.  There are 5000 Arthurian retellings out there.  Find a better one.

Alegría (2003)

  This is a recording of the Cirque du Soleil show filmed in Sydney, Australia.  It is not the narrative feature of the same name that was produced in 2000.  

There's no plot, no dialogue, nothing linking any of the acts together.  There are trapeze artists, aerialists, contortionists, and clowns.  It is pure circus and one of my favorite Cirque shows.  The music is lovely and haunting, the costumes are spectacular, and the physicality on display is nothing short of miraculous.  They are Olympic-level performances, sometimes literally.  

The pandemic has been hard for everyone and it has manifested itself in different ways.  Honestly, before today, I would have told you that it didn't really affect me.  I never went out much, not to concerts or shows.   I don't even really miss going to theaters, now that stuff streams directly to my living room where I have a pause button, subtitles, and all the snacks I want.  But holy shit, I miss Cirque du Soleil.  

A few years back when I was going to be alone on my birthday, I bought myself a VIP pass to see Kurios at Tysons Corner.  It was hot as balls and I was dying in my stupid sundress and one of the other people in the VIP tent was a Greek Orthodox priest in full heavy black regalia.  He was just the sweetest man and a big fan of the show.  I have seen shows in Vegas, Orlando, Atlanta (I think?), and National Harbor.  I took one of the DVDs (I think for Dralion) to show my mom and she became convinced she could also juggle.  That lasted about a week.  

When this is over and we can have nice things again, I'm going to get tickets for the next available Cirque show.  I haven't really let myself think about an "after" because stupid motherfuckers won't wear masks or stay home but we're finally starting to see some traction with vaccination.  There is a light, people!  Soon, we can once again marvel at tiny, synchronized athletes dressed as ants juggling beach balls painted like okra with their feet.  The time is coming!  WE SHALL BE FREE!

How I Live Now (2013)

  When this movie came out, there was a big thing about not revealing too much about it.  Like there's an Incident and then everything changes.  This may have made the movie seem cooler than it actually is.

Daisy (Saoirse Ronan) is an American teen sent to spend a summer with cousins in England.  She feels it's a punishment and acts correspondingly with the entire household.  But when war is declared and the countryside is under evacuation orders, Daisy must choose whether to go back to the safety of America or stay with her new family.

It's a pretty typical teen drama, complete with the "I'm so broken, how can I change the world?" narrative.  Daisy starts as a narcissistic neurotic and ends as a responsible adult.  Okay, sure, I'm just saying there are probably easier ways to do that than surrogate motherhood.

Also, and this is really the dealbreaker for me, she fucks her cousin.  Like, that's her impetus for deciding whether to stay in a war zone.  Maybe in the source novel it's explained that these are very distant relatives or only family friends, like you call your mom's best friend Aunt but there's no blood involved, but there is nothing in the movie.  Just "these are my cousins from England.  Hey, one is my age and hot.  Oops, guess we're fucking now."  I get it.  It's George MacKay.  If I were ten years younger, you bet he'd be top of my crush list.  But that's your cousin.  That's gross.  

Anyway, if light incest and nuclear fallout is your thing, How I Live Now is streaming on Tubi.

The Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

  Man, Ted Bundy really scared the shit out of people.  This isn't specifically about him, but it definitely has Bundy overtones.

Trish (Michele Michaels) uses her parents' trip as an excuse to invite her friends over for a sleepover, unaware that a notorious serial killer has come back to town to continue his spree.  

That's it for plot!  This is very much a classic slasher with a lot of T&A, stupid horny teens, and gallons of fake blood.  Surprisingly, this was written and directed by women but don't expect any modern sensibilities about subverting the male gaze.  This is straight-up exploitation.  It was still more fun and a better watch than a lot of similar entries from the time, though.  Looking at you, Black Christmas.

The writer, Rita Mae Brown, is probably most famous for her series of cozy mysteries featuring Sneaky Pie, her crime-solving cat.  This is 100x more brutal than any of her books but does feature a lot of cats!  All of whom are useless at stopping the murderer, though.  

Slumber Party Massacre is currently streaming on Criterion as part of their 70s grindhouse horror feature from October so who knows how long it'll stay.  I think it's also on Shudder.

Promises! Promises! (1963)

  This is a fucking terrible movie.  Holy shit.  I was not prepared.

Jeff (Tommy Noonan) is a nerdy screenwriter on a cruise with his wife, Sandy (Jayne Mansfield).  Sandy really wants a baby and Jeff appeals to the cruise doctor (Fritz Feld) for help.  The doctor gives him an aspirin and tells him it's a miracle cure, writing Jeff off as an anxious wreck with performance problems.  The pill doesn't work but Jeff tells Sandy she's pregnant (yep, brace for it.  It gets worse) and confesses to the doctor that he knows he's infertile because of a childhood reaction to mumps. (Vaccines are important!) The doctor tells Jeff he's just not trying hard enough and gives him two more aspirin, one for himself and one for Sandy, to be put in her drink (because she's still drinking) without her knowledge.  (Yes, they are harmless but Jeff doesn't know that.  And he's totally okay with roofie-ing his wife.)  Except their cabin neighbors interrupt and the neighbor's husband, King (Mickey Hargitay), drinks Jeff's drink.  Jeff knocks himself out trying to intervene and the neighbor's wife, Claire (Marie McDonald), takes him to the sickbay, where she gives him an aspirin and takes one for herself.  Then Sandy and Claire both end up actually pregnant.  So who is the father?  Is it Jeff?  Is it King?  Is it both?

If your answer is "Oh my God, who caaaaares?  These people are awful!"  Congratulations!  You have passed the test.

Everything about this is the worst distillation of the 60s.  There's not a POC in the entire cast, stereotypes run wild, and the characters are unsympathetic assholes, except for Sandy and King, who are portrayed as literally too dumb to be hateful.

Mansfield and Hargitay were actually married in real life (you may be familiar with their daughter, Mariska from SVU) and this was probably the last thing they were in together before their divorce.  By this point, Mansfield's career was in decline and the poster you see indicates the level at which she was regarded.  According to Wikipedia, Noonan, the film's star, producer, and writer, convinced her to appear topless, which also makes him gross in real life.

Mansfield was one of the leading sex symbols of the 50s and considered a successor to Marilyn Monroe.  As with Monroe, she suffered with substance abuse issues and died young.  This is not a great swansong.  If you're going to watch anything, stick to pre-1958.

Promises! Promises! is currently streaming on Amazon Prime.  Don't watch it.

True Lies (1994)

I cooked a 21 lb turkey this weekend.  Obviously, I can't eat that much turkey by myself.  So I called some friends to come over (safely) and we had a Fakesgiving.  We talked about movies and I found out that my friends had never seen Mean Girls.  So we watched that and then somehow started talking about Jamie Lee Curtis and one of the couple confessed he had never seen True Lies.  I mean, I couldn't let that go.  What kind of friend would I be if I let this person remain unaware of the blissful 90s glory of True Lies?  I'm not super happy with the quality of my digital copy.  It seemed really muddy and just not as crisp as I would have preferred but I didn't want to make guests wait while I fucked with it.  I'll probably try and find a better copy before I watch it again.  Originally posted 28 Jan 2012.Before Mr. and Mrs. Smith, there was True Lies and it was glorious. 

Mild-mannered Harry Trasker (Arnold Schwartzenegger) is a computer salesman with a lovely wife (Jamie Lee Curtis) and teenaged daughter (Eliza Dushku).  What his family doesn't know is that Harry is a federal agent engaging in intelligence-gathering missions for his country.  A spy.  With the help of his team mate (Tom Arnold), Harry investigates terrorist groups.  And by investigates, I mean blows up.  Imagine his surprise when his oblivious and bored wife becomes ensnared by a used car salesman pretending to be a spy.  Harry decides to give the little woman a taste of the life but ends up getting them both nabbed by Crimson Jihad, a terrorist group sporting nuclear weapons on US soil.

This is one of the best action films to come out of the 90's and my personal favorite James Cameron-directed.  The action sequences are way over the top, the humor is constant, and it has Tia Carrere, who is hot.  What more could you ask for?

Horton Hears a Who (2008)

  I don't remember why I added this.  I think it might have been one of Christy's movies?

Horton (Jim Carrey) is an elephant in the Jungle of Nool.  One day he hears a voice coming from a speck of pollen on a flower and realizes there are infinitely tiny people living on it.  This information is met with great resistance by the self-designated moral leader of the Jungle, the Kangaroo (Carol Burnett).  Horton must figure out a way to get the speck to safety.  Meanwhile, down in Whoville, the Mayor (Steve Carell) has a similar problem trying to get the city council to warn the people that they are in danger of annihilation.  This is also met with outrage and disbelief as nothing bad had ever happened and nothing bad ever could.  Any suggestion otherwise is mocked and shouted down under a pretense of democracy.  Horton and the Mayor, macro and micro, have to stand up for themselves and what they believe in the face of great opposition.

I can't believe I have to say this, but this is a pretty decent way to talk to young children about disinformation, authoritarianism, mob rule, and respect for personhood.  Can't imagine why that would still be relevant for today.

The movie itself is fine.  It's not the worst thing Jim Carrey or Steve Carell has ever done.  Carol Burnett is a wonderful villain.  I could probably forget I watched it almost immediately if I hadn't watched it just after a coup attempt in the halls of my own government.  That lends it a little more gravitas than a kid's movie would normally have.

Currently streaming on Disney+ as part of their acquisition from Fox.

The Host (2006)

  I kind of wish I had seen this before Parasite but now's as good as ever.

Gang-doo (Song Kang-ho) is kind of a loser, scrimping coins from his dad's convenience store truck.  His middle school daughter Se-jin (Lee Jae-eung) doesn't want to be seen with him.  But when a mutated river monster erupts from the Han River and drags her away, Gang-doo must rally his entire family to band together and get her back.

As with Parasite, this is less about the monster and more about bureaucratic incompetence, outright malice, and indifference.  No one believes Gang-doo when he claims his daughter is alive and corrupt officials abound to take advantage of the chaos.  The family is truly on their own, avoiding capture by their government while trying not to get eaten by a literal monster.

I'm not going to lie, this ends pretty bleakly.  No spoilers, just an FYI.  You need to be in a really upbeat mood to watch this so you're not coming down too low.  Otherwise, this is another Bong Joon-ho masterpiece.  Every member of the Park family is flawed but fully-realized in a way that makes beautiful sense at the climax.  As dark as it is, there is an undeniable grandeur to it as these ordinary people transcend themselves to come together as a family.

It's currently streaming on Tubi but I don't know for how much longer.  It's also on Criterion and Amazon Prime.

Night at the Museum (2006)

  Apparently this is supposed to be a comedy?

Larry (Ben Stiller) is constantly looking for the next get-rich-quick scheme, putting a strain on his relationship with his kid (Jack Cherry).  Faced with the prospect of losing custody, Larry takes a job as night watchman for the Museum of Natural History in New York City.  After a barebones tutorial from the outgoing custodian (Dick Van Dyke), Larry is prepared to spend 8-12 hours bored to death in an empty museum.  He is not prepared for a magical tablet that brings all the exhibits to life from sundown to sunup.    

So the movie is basically about this guy learning not to quit when things get hard.  Okay.  That's a pretty decent premise for a family movie.  I've never liked Ben Stiller as an actor but I have to say that he has the physicality of Douglas Fairbanks.  He runs more than Tom Cruise trying to save the IMF.  That's fucking impressive.  Otherwise, I still hated this character.

Robin Williams and Andy Rooney are also in this, as well as side parts for Owen Wilson, Rami Malek, and Steve Coogan.  It's currently streaming on Hulu.

Sense and Sensibility (1995)

  Hey look!  It's a movie Christy owns that I didn't hate!  2021 is off to a good start!

The Dashwood sisters, Elinor (Emma Thompson), Marianne (Kate Winslet), and Margaret (Emilie Francois) are dismayed to learn that their family home has been inherited by their half-brother (James Fleet) and his bitchy wife (Harriet Walter) and that they are about to be kicked out into the street.  They accept the charity of distant relations and move to a small cottage in the country.  Their overbearing but well-meaning landlady (Elizabeth Spriggs) is determined to marry off both eligible daughters.  What they don't know is that Elinor already fancies Edward Ferrars (Hugh Grant) and Marianne has a crush on Mr. Willoughby (Greg Wise).  Neither sister can understand the other's choice because their personalities are totally opposite.  Elinor is looking for stability and Marianne wants romance.  It takes a series of tragedies for them both to gain perspective into each other.

I don't like rom-coms and I'm not a big Jane Austen fan but I didn't hate this adaptation (even if it was too long.  Two and a quarter hours, are you kidding me?)  Thompson and Winslet are incredible actresses.  Plus it was nice to see Alan Rickman again, even if Alan Rickman Pining is not a personal fetish.  It's currently streaming on Starz.  The 2008 miniseries is also available on Amazon Prime.  I haven't seen that so I have no idea if it's better or worse.

2020 is Finally Over! (Here's Another Top 10 List)

 I think it's fair to say that this year has sucked all around.  I watched the same number of movies as 2017, a year that was one of the worst of my life.  I haven't been to a movie theater in ten months, not that anything really released this year anyway.  I made a pretty decent dent in my To Be Watched list from home at the beginning of the lockdown but kind of fell apart by the end of summer.  

Normally, I would put together a top ten of the films I saw that released in the current calendar year.  I think I saw a grand total of six films from 2020, one of which was a televised theater production (Hamilton) and another was a stand-up special, so we're going to do things a little differently this year.  I went back and looked at all the films I saw for the first time this year regardless of when they were released and ended up with about 130.  I have narrowed those down to the ten I most enjoyed.  Not necessarily the "best" films but the ones that made me want to die a little less.

10.  Wonder Woman 1984 - This film had it's share of problems and I'm not sure how it will stand up to a second watch but it was bright and colorful and campy with low stakes.  Any other year, none of that would be a compliment but it's December and I'm barely hanging on here.

9. In the Mood for Love - This is widely regarded as a classic and justifiably so.  Pretty sure it lowered my blood pressure by 10% easy.

8. 1917 - Hey, remember January when all we had to worry about was out of control brushfires and the looming threat of nuclear war?  Good times.  I still had the mental energy to process this incredible war film back then.

7. Spring - Monster fucking!  Yay!

6. The Color Purple - We all need a little more Miss Celie in our lives, especially this year.  If that bitch didn't give up, you can't either.

5. Klaus - A stunning film and instantly part of the new Christmas canon.

4. Knives Out - If only for the memes.

3. Only Lovers Left Alive - I craved new vampire content and this was delicious.

2. Anna and the Apocalypse - Zombies beat vampires?  What?  That's just the topsy-turvy world we're living in, folks.

1. Birds of Prey and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn - I mean, duh.  Even before the pandemic hit, this movie brought me unrivaled joy and a bitchin' soundtrack.

I don't even know if I can say that I'm looking forward to movies in 2021.  I mean, sure, I am but who the hell knows when stuff is actually going to come out?  Hope springs eternal, I guess?

355 - Was supposed to come out this year.  Didn't.  Band of lady assassins starring Jessica Chastain, so it has my money regardless.

Coming 2 America - No idea if this is going to be good.  

Raya and the Last Dragon - Yes.

The King's Man - prequel to the Kingsman movies so no Taron Egerton but it should still have a lot of stuff blowing up.

No Time to Die - Daniel Craig's last (we'll see) outing as James Bond.

Last Night in Soho - horror film from Edgar Wright, which probably means horror comedy, which I am here for.

Black Widow - Are we ever gonna see this damn thing?  It's holding up the release of like five other Marvel films.

Free Guy - Ryan Reynolds as a video game NPC who gains self-awareness.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It - Obviously.

Shang Chi and the Legend of the Five Rings - Marvel breaking some new people off the bench.

Suicide Squad - the Redux.  We'll see if this one can nail the tone correctly.

The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard - I am loving these increasingly ridiculous titles.  I hope there's like five in this series so they end up with The Bodyguard's Cousin's Roommate from College's Half-Brother's Hitman.

Candyman - I was really hoping this would come out this year but no, we can't have nice things.

Death on the Nile - Costumes!

Dune - Sand Worms!

Uncharted - Okay, I just started playing these games and they're really fun so I hope this won't suck.

Eternals - More Marvel deep cuts!

Mission: Impossible 7 - Let's see if this is one that finally kills Tom Cruise.

The Matrix 4 - I mean, what is this even going to look like?

The French Dispatch - Wes Anderson whimsy!

Aladdin (1992)

  No, it's not the new one.  I've had a rough year; why would I do that to myself?  I just can't believe I've never posted about this movie before.

Aladdin (Scott Weinger) dreams of a life without poverty and hunger.  Princess Jasmine (Linda Larkin) dreams of a life of freedom away from the societal expectations of her position.  Grand Vizier Jafar (Jonathan Freeman) dreams of wielding the power to crush the populace and make slaves of his enemies.  Hey, not all dreams are nice.  And there is only one being capable of making all those dreams come true: the Genie of the Lamp (Robin Williams).  Aladdin forges an instant bond with the Genie, promising to use his third wish to free him from his eternal servitude.  But as Jafar plots and Aladdin becomes more entangled in his web of lies to woo Jasmine, he learns that bad decisions often follow good intentions.

Other than the inevitable sadness around hearing Robin Williams voice again, this movie remains one of the greatest in Disney animation.  It's 90 minutes of flawless entertainment.  I'm sure there's someone, somewhere who has never seen this film before.  Maybe you grew up in a cult that didn't have TV or in a bunker because of a mistaken belief that a nuclear catastrophe had occurred in 1989 and your stock of canned food has finally run out so you made your way to the surface expecting a wasteland only to be pleasantly surprised.  Those are the only two excuses I'm willing to accept.