Oscar Night 2011

What a let-down.

Can I just say...  James Franco should be dismembered, baked into a pie Sweeney Todd-style, and fed to whichever idiots decided he should host.  Not even Anne Hathaway's six wardrobe changes could distract from that lackluster performance.  God, no wonder 127 Hours got shut out for almost everything.

Granted, hosting the Oscars is a big deal and I'm sure it's stressful but you seriously couldn't tell whether or not Franco even cared.  You might as well have let Charlie Sheen and Joaquin Phoenix host it from an opium den.  Scientists should find a way to bring back Zombie Bob Hope and let him host again.

Speaking of zombies, I can't believe they dragged Kirk Douglas and Eli Wallach out just to parade them around like arthritic show ponies in a desperate attempt to recall the halcyon days of cinema past.  I will say, even after a stroke, Kirk Douglas was still more entertaining than James Franco.

"How about I give you 127 Hours worth of ass-kicking, punk?"

I won't run down a complete list of winners, since you can find them all here.  I will say that I was not surprised at most of the big awards with the exception of Best Director.  Tom Hooper over Darren Aronofsky or David Fincher?  Are you kidding me? 

I was a bit surprised that Alice in Wonderland got two Awards (Costume and Art Direction) considering how it's basically been ignored in the 'who's it going to be' frenzy.  I would have thought Black Swan would have had the latter in the bag.  I was a little disappointed that my favorite movie of the year only scored one Oscar but what can I do?  They won't let me vote. 

So another year has past and another Oscar ceremony is behind us.  What have we got to look forward to now?

Paul opening 18 Mar.  It's a Simon Pegg/Nick Frost alien movie that should be fairly hilarious if Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz are anything to go by.

Sucker Punch opening 25 Mar.  I've been waiting for this one to come out since last summer.  It looks so epic.

Rubber opening 01 Apr.  This is the one about the sentient killer tire.  I have no idea if it'll be any good but come on.  A sentient.  Evil.  Tire.  Totally worth admission price.

Atlas Shrugged opening 15 Apr.  Finally, I will know what the hell people are talking about when they reference this without having to read the book.

Thor opening 06 May.  This will probably suck but I have to see it anyway.  Comics, man. 

The Beaver opening 06 May.  Talk about a dicey proposition.  Mel "Crazypants" Gibson is given a therapy puppet in order to work out his issues.  And it's a beaver.

Priest opening 13 May.  I sincerely hope this will be a better Paul Bettany film than Legion.  I'm going to see it anyway, I just hope it's better.

Pirates of the Caribbean:  On Stranger Tides opening 20 May.  I have a feeling this will not be as good as the previous three but I love Johnny Depp and fuck it.  Pirates.

Kung Fu Panda 2, X-Men First Class, and The Green Lantern are probably all going to be half rate.  I'm on the fence on those three.

Captain America:  The First Avenger opening 22 Jun.  Same thing as with Thor.  It already has my money.  For better or for worse.

Cowboys and Aliens opening 29 Jun.  This is another I am actually excited to see.  Mmm, Daniel Craig...

The Conan the Barbarian remake is coming out in August.  It makes my eye twitch to think about but I haven't seen or heard anything else about it so I'm reserving judgment.  For now.  Ditto the Fright Night remake.

Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots, I'm sorry, Real Steel opens 07 Oct. 

A wave of more remakes also hits around that time with Footloose, The Three Musketeers, and The Thing.  Honestly, The Thing shouldn't be remade since it was damn near perfect, Footloose wasn't that great to begin with, and what other possible story can you wring from The Three Musketeers? 

Sherlock Holmes 2 comes out just before Christmas.  I liked the first one.  I'm not sure where they're going to go with it but I'll watch Jude Law and RDJ run around any time.

The Americanized version of Girl with the Dragon Tattoo also hits near the end of the year.  I haven't seen the original yet.  It's in my queue (currently at #367, right after Centurion).

That seems like enough Definitely's and Maybe's to keep me (and all of you) occupied.  There might be a few lean months but that's what Netflix is for.  As always, I am open to suggestions.  Comment away if you think there's something that I should see.

Animal Kingdom (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Supporting Actress

  So, I'm not really sure how to describe this movie.  It is a crime story, can't fault that.  It's Australian.  Jacki Weaver is nominated for Best Supporting Actress.  Um...

Ok, I'm going to break it down.  This movie was creepy as shit.  It probably wasn't meant to be creepy and it's not like Dogtooth or Oldboy creepy... though there are a couple of scenes that are close.  Jacki Weaver goes from warm-and-fuzzy-maternal type to stone-cold-hearted and it is a disturbing change.  She just weighed her options and chose the most personally beneficial, as clinical as a sniper choosing a roof.

I think Ben Mendelsohn deserved the Supporting nod, though.  That was a creepy-ass performance as Andrew "Pope" Cody.  He was scarier than Uncle Teardrop from Winter's Bone and waaaay more of a sociopath.  That probably explains why I didn't like this movie as much, though.  There's no real sense of redemption.  It almost reminded me of City of God, in that the cycle of violence continued past the ending credits.

Josh Cody is a 17-year-old kid whose life is set adrift after his mother dies of a heroin overdose in the middle of Deal or No Deal.  He is forced to turn to her family, a group of bank robbers lying low from the heat, in order to survive.  This is a akin to being dumped in a nest of venomous critters, which shouldn't be a stretch of imagination for Australians.

Oh!  I almost forgot.  Luke Ford is in this and doesn't suck.  Yeah, the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor guy who could have been replaced with a terracotta copy.  He doesn't suck in this movie.  That's worth a view right there.

The King's Speech (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress, Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography, Best Costume Design, Best Director, Best Editing, Best Original Score, Best Sound Mixing, Best Original Screenplay

  So this is the 9th Best Picture nominee I've seen with only 6 days left until the big night.  Whew.  I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted.

So this one is pretty much a lock for Best Actor.  Hell, QE2 gave her seal of approval.  I love Geoffrey Rush and Helena Bonham Carter but I just don't think they can beat out Christian Bale or Julianne Moore.  As for the rest, I'm not sure yet.  I feel like a couple are just too close to call.  Much as I would love to see my crazy ballerina movie win, I think it'll come down to this one and The Social Network which is galling but what are you going to do.

Anyway, in case you haven't heard, this is the story of King George VI and his speech therapist.

As an American girl, I was always told that King Edward VIII abdicated the throne rather than be separated from the woman he loved, divorced socialite Wallis Simpson of Baltimore, Maryland.  It was part of the fantasy of American women becoming legitimate princesses a la Grace Kelly, as well as the greater "you can be anything by virtue of your American-ness" mythology this country was founded on.
This movie takes a rather different view, painting Edward 8 as a weak-willed man in thrall to a gold-digging whore.

George VI, Bertie before being crowned, always struggled with a speech impediment but never really cared to have it fixed because he was only second in line for the throne.  After the abdication, however, he suddenly has to lead a country on the brink of war and inspire his people using the newfangled invention of radio.  Enter Lionel Logue, an Australian with unconventional methods who insists on equality in the therapy room.

Maybe it's a product of the royalty propaganda machine and that whole "divine right" mentality, but it's so difficult to think of a king as a small child, tormented by siblings because of a stammer, and growing up borderline abused by a member of household staff.  He was a prince, for God's sake.  That kind of shit isn't supposed to happen.  It's supposed to be all solid gold pacifiers and having your own pony and tutors and stuff.  Being royalty is supposed to be better than being normal, otherwise why even have it?

I suppose that's my in-born egalitarianism showing through.

The Kids Are All Right (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Picture, Best Supporting Actor, Best Actress, Best Original Screenplay


  This was a mostly good movie.  The first half is better than the second half.

You can't really call it a "romantic" movie, since it's basically about what happens when a relationship stagnates.  Granted, my relationships tend to be a speeded-up version of this process but I know exactly how it is when you've been with someone so long you stop seeing them as a person.  

In my case it's usually about three months but Jules and Nic have been together at least 18 years, long enough to have a kid old enough to call the sperm bank and initiate proceedings to meet the biological father.

From first-hand experience, that is a stressful event.  I met my biological father when I was 18 and it was horribly awkward for all parties.  We've since grown closer, so that's nice.

If you're sitting there thinking "Jesus, she's such a narcissist.  I just want to know if the movie's any good, not her entire fucking life story" then fuck you.  The events that shape a person's life are inextricably linked to how they perceive movies.  Like, I can't watch My Fair Lady because it reminds me of my ex.  One of them, anyway.  That's a classic musical that millions of people love but I instantly seethe with rage when I hear so much as the opening bars of the overture.

Anyway, my point is that it's hard for me to not draw parallels between this film and my life.  But only for the first half.  After that it's all about feelings and shit, and I kind of lose interest.  So I don't really know if it's fair to say that other people would enjoy it as much because I don't know if other people would have the same kind of experience with it.  I guess you should just watch it and see.

The Social Network (2010)

Nominated for: Best Picture, Best Actor, Best Cinematography, Best Director, Best Film Editing, Best Score, Best Sound Mixing, Best Adapted Screenplay  This movie sucked. Seriously, it sucked balls. Big, hairy, rank, feral animal balls.

I hated every single character.  There wasn't a single person who wasn't a pretentious douchebag in some way or another.  I totally understand why Mark Zuckerberg didn't want his name on this.  I would have felt fucking slandered. 

So this is based on a book called The Accidental Billionaires and I have no idea if it sucks as much as the movie, but I plan to avoid it just in case. 

Basically, the story is that Zuckerberg created a website at Harvard called FaceSmash (where you could compare two randomly picked co-eds for hotness) after he got dumped by his girlfriend.  This gains the attention of two future Olympians, the Winklevoss twins, who want Zuckerberg to make a dating site exclusive to Harvard.  Instead, Zuckerberg gets his friend Eduardo to bankroll the creation of Facebook.  This gets him sued by the Winklevoss'. 

Meanwhile, he meets the guy who founded Napster, an unemployed perpetually-partying entrepreneur who talks him into relocating to the Silicon Valley over Eduardo's misgivings.  As their personal relationship falls apart, Facebook takes off.  Unknowingly, Eduardo signs a contract that allows his shares of stock to be diluted to allow for more investors.  Then, after being broadsided with the fact that his investment is effectively worthless, he also sues Zuckerberg.

It's about the pettiest story I've ever seen enacted on a screen.  I serioulsy hope it gets shut out at the Oscars, but it's nominated for too many things for that to happen.  At the very least, it'll probably get Best Score, which is fine because that's Trent Reznor and I love Nine Inch Nails.  Everything else, though, no.  Just no.

The American (2010)

  I watched this on the plane ride back, as well.  It was a long flight.  I had heard it was good from a couple of people so I figured I'd check it out.

It's not bad.  George Clooney movies rarely are.  He does tend to pick movies that are quiet, slow-burning, cerebral thrillers so if you're expecting mile-a-minute action, you might be disappointed.

After being forced to kill his girlfriend in Sweden, custom weapon designer/assassin Jack goes to hide out in Italy.  His boss wants him to do One Last Job before he leaves for good.  Meanwhile, he's being targeted by Swedish assassins, becoming friends with a nosy priest, and starting a relationship with a prostitute.

I'm debating whether or not to buy it.  It's not really an assassin movie, per se and it's pretty bleak.  I know, bleak seems to be my wheelhouse but it's not really.  I try not to watch depressing movies (despite what Netflix thinks) when I don't have to.  I'm already clinically depressed, I don't need a movie to make me feel worse than usual.  Hence, I tend to prefer happy endings even when they're not as plausible.  This one isn't as bad as some but it's not cheerful, that's for damn sure.  So I'm on the fence.  I liked it, but I'm not sure how much.

The Town (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Supporting Actor

  This movie wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I didn't think it was great, but it was okay. I think this is the sophmore directorial contribution by Ben Affleck. I didn't see Gone Baby Gone so I don't know if this is better or worse. I thought it was well-acted so maybe that's the sign of a good director? 

The story is about a crew of bank/armored truck robbers in Charlestown, a suburb of Boston.  The leader of the crew becomes involved with a woman they once held hostage which foments discord between him and the hotshot second-in-command.

Poor Jeremy Renner.  If he doesn't watch out, he's going to get typecast as the "broody violent crazy guy".  I guess as long as that keeps getting him Oscar nominations it's really not so bad. 

This was also one of Pete Postlethwaite's final roles.  He plays an Irish florist, who is about the antithesis of any florist you've ever seen.  My favorite part he ever played was as the Old Man in James and the Giant Peach. 

This was another movie I downloaded on my iPod but I ended up watching it on the plane's system instead.  It was one of those films that uses the whole screen and my little-ass iPod was not handling it right.  Besides, it was free so it's not like I paid a rental fee twice.  It wasn't that good.

But if you're in the mood for a heist movie that isn't Soderbergh-slick, picking this one up won't do you any harm.