The Mechanic (2011)

  Yeah, this isn't nominated for anything.  I just needed a break, y'all.  All those dramas and documentaries...  I needed to see stuff blow up!

Side note:  why can't the erudite documentary afficionados also be action fans?  The crowd for The Mechanic were borderline retarded.  One of the marks was gay, so Ben Foster had to get a little frisky with the guy.  You'd think this crowd had never been out of their mom's basement before.

He pretended to be interested in a guy!  Women do it all the time!  Try not to act like the only way you can cope with what your eyes are seeing is to giggle uncontrollably.  Homophobia is not. sexy.

Anyway, so Jason Statham is a hitman and after his mentor gets killed, he takes in the guy's son (Ben Foster) and trains him in the ways of killin' people what need killin'.

There's a greedy corporate dude, a fairly drawn-out sex scene (it's hetero, all you squeamish types) and lots and lots of killing people.  Normally, I would have called foul over the ending since I would have preferred a Spy vs. Spy kind of stalemate but I was in a fuck-the-world kind of mood and it suited me just fine.

It's a little too enamoured with it's own cleverness to be a great film but it is an action-packed one and ticks my boxes of "Assassins" and "Vigilantes" so I'll probably buy it when it comes out.

What can I say?  I'm easy to please.

Inside Job (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Documentary Feature

  This was a well-done documentary.  It was also extremely depressing. 

The film takes you from the beginnings of the global recession all the way through to where we are now.  It explains all the boring-ass financial terms but never feels like it's talking down to the audience.  The tone is very light, very tongue-in-cheek, highlighting the absurdities and double-speak of the people who made the most gain from the global meltdown.

I did this film back-to-back with Country Strong.  It was even in the same auditorium.  The crowds were markedly different.  CS had mostly couples, mostly older, some groups of women together and predominantly white.  Inside Job was younger, a little more bohemian, a bit more ethnically diverse, and a lot more vocal.  They made noises of disbelief or disgust at the excesses they were shown on screen, like when it was announced that the CEO of Goldman Sachs walked away from his job with $161 million in cash and options after almost plunging America back into the Grapes of Wrath.

It doesn't just keep the focus here at home either.  The movie starts with the collapse of the Icelandic economy and goes on to show how truly global something like this is.  What happens on Wall Street affects factory workers in Taiwan and Singapore.  And as much as it would like to end on a hopeful note, it can't.  Because the exact same people are running things.  They shuffle around back and forth between positions but it's a shell game and a rigged one at that.

Honestly, I think most people should watch this movie.   Maybe then we'd realize that our finances are like the Wild West, run by criminals who answer only to themselves.  We need a Wyatt Earp with a smoking Peacemaker to come in and sort this all out.  I mean that metaphorically, of course.  Well, mostly.

Country Strong (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Original Song "Coming Home"

  Honestly, this was better than I thought it would be.  I don't really like Gwyneth Paltrow and she's about the last person I think of when someone says "country music" but she doesn't do too badly.

Kelly Canter is a country star with a drinking problem.  She gets taken out of rehab early by her manager/husband, played by real life country star Tim McGraw (fun fact:  the only person in the movie that doesn't sing is the guy with 21 number 1 singles).  Kelly brings Beau (Garrett Hedlund), her sponsor, along with her on tour as an opening act.  Her husband's choice is Chiles Stanton, who could be a pop country star if she could just get past her crippling stage fright.

All of these people are terribly damaged and two steps from falling apart at any given time.  Especially Kelly, coping with her addiction, her increasingly hollow marriage, a faltering career, and the shadow of her last performance in Dallas where she tripped over a microphone while drunk and fell off the stage while five months pregnant.  Hence the rehab.

I'm a little surprised this movie didn't get nominated for anything else.  It seems to tick all the Academy boxes.  The song it's nominated for isn't even the best one in the movie.  They didn't even include it on the soundtrack, and it's not fully sung throughout the film if I remember correctly.  "Timing is Everything" is definitely the showpiece.  Garrett Hedlund makes a better country singer than light-disc player.

I don't want to spoil the ending except to say that it's not warm and fuzzy.  I approved of this.  It elevated the movie from sappy melodrama to actual drama.

Restrepo (2010)

Nominated for:  Best Documentary Feature

  You all know how I feel about war movies.  That is one thing the Academy and I disagree on (well, one of many).  They loooove some war movies.

I'm not sure what the point of this documentary was, other than 'war kills people'.  There didn't seem to be any overarching message or political agenda on display.  On the whole, I approve of this.  There are a lot of people who died over the course of the year this was filmed and to put some sort of spin on it trivializes those deaths.

It follows the men of 2nd Platoon of the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team during their deployment to the Korengal Valley, the most dangerous posting in Afghanistan.  The title comes from the forward outpost they labored to build under enemy fire, named for Juan "Doc" Restrepo, one of their men, who was killed.

The interviews with the surviving soldiers are by turns funny, heartbreaking, and insightful.  They talk quite candidly about their experiences, their friends, and the problems they face.  The Army has had to develop new techniques of therapy to help the men of this post, who have taken more fire than any other units.  One soldier admitted that he was taking up 7 different sleeping pills to try and stop the nightmares.

These men are much better soldiers than I ever was.

Maybe it's enough to win them an Oscar.  I don't know.  Personally, I think they're entitled to free blowjobs for life after all they've been through.  Fuck a yellow ribbon; that's how you show a soldier you're grateful.

Dogtooth (2009)

Nominated for:  Best Foreign Film
  Jesus, what a godawful film.  This better not win an Oscar.  It'd be on par with seeing The Human Centipede win for Best Art Direction.  Seriously, I don't even know what to say about it.

I couldn't tell if it was meant to be funny or tragic or some deep political satire about the overreach of government fomenting rebellion.  The whole thing was just too fucking weird.  And that's coming from me, Queen of All Things Strange.

The whole movie revolves around a couple who have decided that their children never need to know about the outside world.  This works out about as well as it did in The Village.  We don't ever know the reasons why these parents have decided to sequester their children away and I suppose it doesn't really matter since it wouldn't justify the level of violence they use to maintain their fiction.

The kids are all horribly messed up and borderline psychotic.  Their idea of fun games are to see who can hold their hand under boiling water the longest or who will stay passed out longer from breathing ether.  The son is mostly docile, probably because Daddy brings him a prostitute every week or so.  But that has to end because the hooker loans the oldest daughter copies of Jaws and Flashdance and Daddy has to beat her severely with a VCR.

But somebody has to take care of Brother's needs and that duty falls on...his sister.  But at least he gets to pick which one, Older or Younger, so there's that I guess.

WTF, Greece?  I know you've been going through a tough time recently but that's no reason to pork your sister.  I mean, come on!

The title of the movie comes from the parents' mandate that no child can leave the house until one of their dogteeth (incisor) falls out.  We're not talking baby teeth here.  Oh, and they can't learn to drive until their dogteeth are replaced.  So never is what that works out to.

This movie is like the worst advertisement for home-schooling ever.

At least I'm not the only one who was confused.

Palooka (1934)/Glorifying the American Girl (1929)/Check and Double Check (1930)

  This is less of a musical than it is a boxing movie. I have seen at least 4 films about boxing (Rocky, Million Dollar Baby, The Fighter, and Girl Fight), which makes me practically an expert. At least on the difference between musicals and boxing. 

So, this is the story of a guy who falls into boxing because he almost runs over Jimmy Durante with a car. 

/considers previous sentence.

Yeah, that's right.  Joe Palooka is the son of famous boxer Pete Palooka who has been raised on a farm by Pete's estranged wife.  Joe's mother hates boxing because it turned Pete into a skirt-chasing alcoholic.  She wants Joe to stay on the farm.  But one day, while delivering eggs to the train station, Joe almost runs over Jimmy Durante who happens to be a boxing manager.  Durante immediately signs him to a contract and puts him in the ring with the current champion, William Cagney (James Cagney's brother).  Normally, this would be a slaughter but Cagney is drunk during the fight and goes down after a punch to the stomach.  Now Joe is the new Champ and with the title comes a nightclub singer played by Lupe Velez.  A professional gold-digger, Lupe wraps Joe around her finger to the discomfiture of his manager.  Bill Cagney catches Joe out with Lupe and manages to talk him into a re-match.  Durante is understandably concerned about this because Joe can't actually fight and every match he's had has been rigged.  Joe's mom shows up to try and break up his relationship with Lupe and Joe's dad shows up to train him. 

Bet you're thinking "yeah, yeah, Joe suddenly shows enormous talent after being trained by his dad for a few days and wins the fight", aren't you?

Well you'd be wrong.  Joe gets his ass kicked.  His own manager bet against him in the fight, double-crossing a gangster to do it, and then absconds from town.  He leaves the winnings to Joe, who retires to the farm with his mom and the girl next door to open a bed and breakfast.  I'm not entirely certain what the moral is here.

  Ok, I can admit it. I didn't really watch this one. I had just started it when my cousin called and, instead of hitting pause, I just hit mute. So by the time we were done talking, I had no friggin idea what was going on with this movie. I came in during some weird dance scene with women dressed as allegorical figures and then there was some comedy bit about men in a tailor's shop. Your guess is as good as mine. 

According to the DVD sleeve it's about a girl who gets discovered by talent scouts while working behind the counter at a sheet music store and becomes a Zeigfeld girl.  So there you go then.

  Yep, it's blackface. 

This was a bit of a shock to me.  I had heard of the Amos 'n Andy radio program in the same way I had heard of other old things, in that I was aware that they existed but not exactly sure what they were about.  Finding out that it was a comedy program based on culturally insensitive stereotypes was like finding out that your grandmother had a sex change.

The plot itself is horribly contrived.  Maybe that's what passed for wit back in 1930?  I don't know.  I've seen Scooby-Doo episodes that were more well-thought-out.

This movie is the first to introduce Duke Ellington and his Cotton Club Band to American audiences, so there's that I guess.  The movie doesn't linger very long on the actual black people since it invested so much of the budget on black greasepaint to make white people look like black people.

Oscar Nominations 2011

They're here!  They're here!  The Oscar nominations are here!

Ahem.

Allow me to present the nominations for the 83rd Annual Academy Awards:

Best motion picture of the year

• Black Swan
• The Fighter
• Inception
• The Kids Are All Right
• The King's Speech
• 127 Hours
• The Social Network
• Toy Story 3
• True Grit
• Winter's Bone

Performance by an actor in a leading role

• Javier Bardem in "Biutiful"
• Jeff Bridges in "True Grit" 
• Jesse Eisenberg in "The Social Network" 
• Colin Firth in "The King's Speech" 
• James Franco in "127 Hours" 

Performance by an actor in a supporting role

• Christian Bale in "The Fighter" 
• John Hawkes in "Winter's Bone" 
• Jeremy Renner in "The Town"
• Mark Ruffalo in "The Kids Are All Right" 
• Geoffrey Rush in "The King's Speech" 

Performance by an actress in a leading role

• Annette Bening in "The Kids Are All Right" 
• Nicole Kidman in "Rabbit Hole"
• Jennifer Lawrence in "Winter's Bone" 
• Natalie Portman in "Black Swan" 
• Michelle Williams in "Blue Valentine" 

Performance by an actress in a supporting role

• Amy Adams in "The Fighter" (Paramount)
• Helena Bonham Carter in "The King's Speech" (The Weinstein Company)
• Melissa Leo in "The Fighter" (Paramount)
• Hailee Steinfeld in "True Grit" (Paramount)
• Jacki Weaver in "Animal Kingdom" (Sony Pictures Classics)

Best animated feature film of the year

• How to Train Your Dragon (Paramount) Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois
• The Illusionist (Sony Pictures Classics) Sylvain Chomet
• Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney) Lee Unkrich

Art Direction

• Alice in Wonderland
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1
• Inception
• The King's Speech
• True Grit

Achievement in Cinematography

• Black Swan (Fox Searchlight) Matthew Libatique
• Inception (Warner Bros.) Wally Pfister
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company) Danny Cohen
• The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing) Jeff Cronenweth
• True Grit (Paramount) Roger Deakins

Achievement in costume design

• Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney) Colleen Atwood
• I Am Love (Magnolia Pictures) Antonella Cannarozzi
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company) Jenny Beavan
• The Tempest (Miramax) Sandy Powell
• True Grit (Paramount) Mary Zophres

Achievement in directing

• Black Swan (Fox Searchlight), Darren Aronofsky
• The Fighter (Paramount), David O. Russell
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company), Tom Hooper
• The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing), David Fincher
• True Grit (Paramount), Joel Coen and Ethan Coen

Best Documentary Feature

• Exit through the Gift Shop (Producers Distribution Agency) Banksy and Jaimie D'Cruz A Paranoid Pictures Production
• Gasland Josh Fox and Trish Adlesic A Gasland Production
• Inside Job (Sony Pictures Classics) Charles Ferguson and Audrey Marrs A Representational Pictures Production
• Restrepo (National Geographic Entertainment) Tim Hetherington and Sebastian Junger An Outpost Films Production
• Waste Land Lucy Walker and Angus Aynsley (Arthouse Films) An Almega Projects Production

Best documentary short subject

• Killing in the Name
• Poster Girl
• Strangers No More
• Sun Come Up
• The Warriors of Qiugang

Achievement in film editing

• Black Swan (Fox Searchlight) Andrew Weisblum
• The Fighter Paramount Pamela Martin
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company) Tariq Anwar
• 127 Hours (Fox Searchlight) Jon Harris
• The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing) Angus Wall and Kirk Baxter

Best foreign language film of the year

• Biutiful Mexico
• Dogtooth Greece
• In a Better World Denmark
• Incendies Canada
• Outside the Law (Hors-la-loi) Algeria

Achievement in makeup

• Barney's Version 
• The Way Back
• The Wolfman

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original score)

• How to Train Your Dragon (Paramount) John Powell
• Inception (Warner Bros.) Hans Zimmer
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company) Alexandre Desplat
• 127 Hours (Fox Searchlight) A.R. Rahman
• The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing) Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross

Achievement in music written for motion pictures (Original song)

• Coming Home from Country Strong (Sony Pictures Releasing (Screen Gems)) Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey
• I See the Light from Tangled (Walt Disney) Music by Alan Menken Lyric by Glenn Slater
• If I Rise from 127 Hours (Fox Searchlight) Music by A.R. Rahman Lyric by Dido and Rollo Armstrong
• We Belong Together from Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney) Music and Lyric by Randy Newman

Best animated short film

• Day & Night (Walt Disney) A Pixar Animation Studios Production Teddy Newton
• The Gruffalo A Magic Light Pictures Production Jakob Schuh and Max Lang
• Let's Pollute A Geefwee Boedoe Production Geefwee Boedoe
• The Lost Thing (Nick Batzias for Madman Entertainment) A Passion Pictures Australia Production Shaun Tan and Andrew Ruhemann
• Madagascar, carnet de voyage (Madagascar, a Journey Diary) A Sacrebleu Production Bastien Dubois

Best live action short film

• The Confession (National Film and Television School) A National Film and Television School Production Tanel Toom
• The Crush (Network Ireland Television) A Purdy Pictures Production Michael Creagh
• God of Love A Luke Matheny Production Luke Matheny
• Na Wewe (Premium Films) A CUT! Production Ivan Goldschmidt
• Wish 143 A Swing and Shift Films/Union Pictures Production Ian Barnes and Samantha Waite

Achievement in sound editing

• Inception (Warner Bros.) Richard King
• Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney) Tom Myers and Michael Silvers
• Tron: Legacy (Walt Disney) Gwendolyn Yates Whittle and Addison Teague
• True Grit (Paramount) Skip Lievsay and Craig Berkey
• Unstoppable (20th Century Fox) Mark P. Stoeckinger

Achievement in sound mixing

• Inception (Warner Bros.) Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company) Paul Hamblin, Martin Jensen and John Midgley
• Salt (Sony Pictures Releasing) Jeffrey J. Haboush, Greg P. Russell, Scott Millan and William Sarokin
• The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing) Ren Klyce, David Parker, Michael Semanick and Mark Weingarten
• True Grit (Paramount) Skip Lievsay, Craig Berkey, Greg Orloff and Peter F. Kurland

Achievement in visual effects

• Alice in Wonderland (Walt Disney) Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips
• Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 (Warner Bros.) Tim Burke, John Richardson, Christian Manz and Nicolas Aithadi
• Hereafter (Warner Bros.) Michael Owens, Bryan Grill, Stephan Trojanski and Joe Farrell
• Inception (Warner Bros.) Paul Franklin, Chris Corbould, Andrew Lockley and Peter Bebb
• Iron Man 2 (Paramount and Marvel Entertainment, Distributed by Paramount) Janek Sirrs, Ben Snow, Ged Wright and Daniel Sudick

Adapted screenplay

• 127 Hours (Fox Searchlight), Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy
• The Social Network (Sony Pictures Releasing), Screenplay by Aaron Sorkin
• Toy Story 3 (Walt Disney), Screenplay by Michael Arndt. Story by John Lasseter, Andrew Stanton and Lee Unkrich
• True Grit (Paramount), Written for the screen by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
• Winter's Bone (Roadside Attractions), Adapted for the screen by Debra Granik & Anne Rosellini

Original screenplay

• Another Year (Sony Pictures Classics), Written by Mike Leigh
• The Fighter (Paramount), Screenplay by Scott Silver and Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson. Story by Keith Dorrington & Paul Tamasy & Eric Johnson
• Inception (Warner Bros.), Written by Christopher Nolan
• The Kids Are All Right (Focus Features), Written by Lisa Cholodenko & Stuart Blumberg
• The King's Speech (The Weinstein Company), Screenplay by David Seidler

So there you go.  Links go to movies I've already seen, bolded titles are ones I haven't.  I'm going to try and load the top of my Netflix queue with as many of them as I can get and I have 33 days and some change to see them.  Wish me luck!

Sunny (1941)/Swing Hostess (1944)/Dixiana (1930)

  This movie started off really slowly.  Like glaciers carving landscapes slowly.

It's about a couple who meet-cute during Mardi Gras.  They start dating and find out that he's rich and she's a circus performer.  I don't know many dudes today who wouldn't jump in the air, clicking their heels and shouting "Yippee!" at finding a girl who even might be a contortionist.  But this is 1941.  Circus people were basically treated like hobos and when his uptight rich family finds out they try everything they can to break up the relationship.

That's when the movie starts to get entertaining.  Ray Bolger (the Scarecrow from The Wizard of Oz) plays the ringmaster in all his tap-dancing glory.  The circus is really more like a traveling vaudeville act with a lot of musical numbers and no elephants.  There's a trained seal but it's really not the same.

Anyway, Rich Guy and Sunny break up right before the wedding and he realizes he's an asshole and sets about getting her back...by buying out a performance of the circus.  It's so much easier to be charming when money is no object.  Sunny doesn't buy it, though, and actually feels humiliated that she was playing to an empty house.  So then Rich Guy resorts to hitching her trailer to his car and driving her to the riverboat where they had a date.

Because nothing says "I love you" like felony kidnapping.

Of course it works, because this is Hollywood and it's not a happy ending if the heroine calls the FBI.  Although I would totally watch that movie.
  Sometimes when I watch old movies, I feel a little like an anthropologist discovering some new facet of an ancient civilization.  For instance, did you know there used to be a job called Jukebox Switchboard Operator?  Yeah.  Apparently, if you wanted to hear a song played on the jukebox, you picked up the attached telephone and talked to a switchboard girl who would put the record on for you.  Like calling into a radio station.

I didn't even know that was a thing!

The movie itself is an overly complicated mistaken identity plot.  Like a cut-rate version of Singin' In the Rain.  It's not particularly good or memorable in any way, except for the Jukebox Operator thing.

  This poster is way more badass than the actual movie.  It's very Tarzan, no?  The actual movie is really tame.  It involves a circus performer who meets a rich plantation owner's son in New Orleans (seriously, was that a common thing in the 30's and 40's?).  This time it's complicated by a nefarious gambler who is scheming to take control of the plantation.  I gotta say, given the choice, Ralf Harolde the gambler is way hotter than Everett Marshall the goody-two-shoes plantation owner.  But then, I like 'em tall, dark, and evil. 

In other news, the Academy Awards nominations come out tomorrow.  SQUEE!  Stay tuned for a repeat performance from last year, where I try and watch as many nominees as I can get my grubby little paws on.

State of Play (2009)

  This was a better movie that I thought it would be. I probably should have paid more attention while I was watching it, though. I almost missed the big twist because I had been kind of half-listening the whole time. Don't worry, you can still figure it out; it's more about the how than the who.

Ben Affleck is a senator whose aide is killed on the cusp of a huge investigation into a private military group.  He gets his college roommate (Russell Crowe), a reporter, to look into the matter.  

Wow, I really thought it was going to take longer to summarize the plot.  Fuck.

It has a great ensemble cast including Rachel McAdams as a web reporter, Helen Mirren as the chief editor, Robin Wright Penn as the senator's wife, and Jeff Daniels as the majority whip.  Also, Jason Bateman plays an asshole party-boy.  

Would I buy it?  No.  But it's a good film if you're in on a cold night and you want something fairly serious but not stuffy to watch.

The Fabulous Dorseys (1947)/Calendar Girl (1947)

  I am such an enormous nerd.

First off, I don't even like big band music.  All of these people were dead before I was born.  Seriously, the only time I ever heard of Paul Whiteman was reading the "Death" section of the Wikipedia article for 1967. 

Why would I pick a random year like 1967?  Shut your face, that's why.

One of my Christmas presents from my father *cough* two years ago *cough* was a pair of movie collections.  They were lesser known works from the 40s and 50s grouped into two categories:  Musicals and Mysteries.  I never opened them until this week. 

I know, I'm a horrible daughter. 

They've just been sitting there on the shelf, unwatched and unloved.  Normally, I wouldn't bother you with this but I did just make a declaration to the wild ungovernable reaches of Blogger that I would post about every. movie. I. saw.  I can't back out now.  I would be forsworn, and hung up by my figgin (massive nerd bonus for anyone who gets the reference). 

So I've decided to group them together whenever possible.  Seeing as there's still 50 musicals, I will understand if you get a little tired of them and decide to skip these posts.  I'll be sad but I'll understand.  So here goes with The Fabulous Dorseys:

Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey were two brothers who led swing bands in the 40s.  Your grandparents probably remember them.  They were hugely popular.  The movie focuses on their youth, growing up under a father that pushed music on them early so they would have more opportunities and not end up working in a coal mine like he did, and then their early days of trying to make their own band.  Both men were extremely accomplished musicians but each was convinced he could lead the group better than his brother.  Things finally come to a head and the brothers split.  Their respective careers take off but their family life suffers since neither brother can be in the same room with the other.  A complicated scheme to get them to play together at a charity concert hosted by the estimable Paul Whitefield falls flat until they both get word that their father has died.  This guilts them into mending the torn fences and performing together one last time at the charity concert. 

Awwww.

Honestly, it's not a bad film.  It feels a little stilted because most of the characters are actual people.  Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey and Paul Whitefield all play themselves and it's very clear that these are musicians, not actors.  Plus, it's also in the phrasing of the dialogue that is fairly common in movies and TV shows of the period.  Everybody enunciates very clearly, probably because sound equipment was still very primitive, but it comes off as a little fake-sounding.

  Calendar Girl is the story of two guys who move from Boston to New York to pursue their dreams...and women.

Well, only one of them is a skirt-chaser.  Steve the artist is engaged and desperate to sow his wild oats as far and as often as possible.  His buddy Johnny is a pianist.  They're both interested in the lovely Patricia. Steve convinces her to pose for him, then doctors the painting to appear more scandalous in order to win a calendar contest.  Johnny, not being an asshole, finds himself constantly outfoxed by Steve and in danger of losing the girl he loves.

Honestly, the picture quality is terrible and the songs are mediocre.  The only reason to watch this is if you want to be reminded that for many many years, it was a woman's only job to get married...however she had to accomplish it.  You'll see a woman turn a blind eye to infidelity, another actively stalk a clearly uninterested man, and an old lady brazenly throw herself at another uninterested man.  As a modern divorced woman actively considering the 'harem' approach to dating, it made my eye twitch.

I will say that I noticed a connection between these two movies.  No, not in the treating of women as chattel, something else.  Arthur Shields, who plays the Dorseys' father, and Victor McLaglen, who plays Patricia's father, were both in The Quiet Man, which happens to be my absolute favorite John Wayne movie.  It's probably not interesting to anyone else but it made me happy to have seen it.

Golden Globes winners

Let's see how I did with my wild-ass guesses.

Best Motion Picture Drama
I said:  The Social Network
Actual winner:  The Social Network (score one for me!)

Best Actress in a Motion Picture, Drama
I said:  Halle Berry
Actual winner:  Natalie Portman (I obviously didn't know what the hell I was talking about.)

Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Drama
I said:  Jesse Eisenberg
Actual winner:  Colin Firth

Best Screenplay Motion Picture
I said:  Danny Boyle and Simon Beaufoy  (I missed the first 45 minutes of the show but I don't think 127 Hours won a damn thing)
Actual winner:  Aaron Sorkin

Best Motion Picture, Comedy or Musical
I said:  nothing.  I didn't have a guess for this one.  Oops.
Actual winner:  The Kids Are All Right

Best Actress, Comedy or Musical
I said:  Emma Stone
Actual winner:  Annette Benning (well, to be fair, I said I hoped Emma got it but I thought it would probably be Annette.  Counting that as a half point.)

Best Actor, Comedy or Musical
I said:  Johnny Depp
Actual winner:  Paul Giamatti

Best Supporting Actress
I said:  Mila Kunis
Actual winner:  Melissa Leo

Best Supporting Actor
I said:  Michael Douglas
Actual winner:  Christian Bale (totally deserved it)

Best Animated Feature Film
I said:  Toy Story 3
Actual winner:  Toy Story 3 (duh)

Best Foreign Language Film
I said:  Biutiful
Actual winner:  In a Better World (/shrug)

Best Original Score, Motion Picture
I said:  Hans Zimmer for Inception
Actual winner:  Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross for The Social Network

Best Original Song, Motion Picture
I said:  "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me"
Actual winner:  "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" (win!)

Best Television Series, Drama
I said:  didn't pick one
Actual winner:  Boardwalk Empire

Best Actress, TV Drama
I said:  didn't care
Actual winner:  Katey Sagal

Best Actor, TV Drama
I said:  still didn't care
Actual winner:  Steve Buscemi

Best TV Series, Comedy or Musical
I said:  Glee.  A million times Glee
Actual winner:  Glee

Best Actress, TV Comedy or Musical
I said:  Glee again
Actual winner:  Laura Linney

Best Actor, TV Comedy or Musical
I said:  Glee again!
Actual winner:  Jim Parsons

Best Actress, Mini-series or Made for TV
I said:  /shrug
Actual winner:  Claire Danes

Best Actor, Mini-series or Made for TV
I said:  /yawn
Actual winner:  Al Pacino

Best Supporting Actress, Series, Mini-series or Made for TV
I said:  Glee!
Actual winner:  Jane Lynch

Best Supporting Actor, Series, Mini-series or Made for TV
I said:  Chris Colfer (by name this time, instead of just Glee)
Actual winner:  Chris Colfer

Best Mini-Series or Made for TV Movie
I said:  Glee?
Actual winner:  Carlos

Cecille B. DeMille Award
I said:  I didn't know they were giving that out.
Actual winner:  Robert DeNiro (whose acceptance speech was hysterical)

So there you go.  I have no idea what I'm talking about, except for musicals.  I am a gay man trapped in a woman's body.

Atonement (2009)

  This was the Christy pick for January.  It was payback for me taking her to see Black Swan, pure and simple.  Did I deserve it?  Probably.  Would I do it again?  You bet your sweet black-feathered ass.

This is the kind of star-crossed tragic romance that is bread and butter for my cousin.  We all know that's not my bag, baby.  All I could think was "Who the fuck takes testimony from a ten-year-old?" and "Doesn't anybody do math in England?"

Allow me to illustrate:


Briony Tallis is a spoiled rich kid with a crush on the housekeeper's son, who's about 15 years older.  He happens to be more appropriately interested in Briony's sister Cecilia.  He's not supposed to be because of the class divide.  After an awkward moment in the fountain, he writes a note apologizing to Cecilia.  He also writes one describing sexual acts he would like to do to Cecilia.  Guess which note winds up in Briony's hands en route to the right sister?  So she thinks he's a sex maniac because he used the word "cunt" and then catches him and her sister fucking in the library.  Where this could easily have been a comedy of errors, it instead went all British.  Nobody addresses the issue at hand.

Two of Briony's red-headed cousins run away during dinner and everyone turns out for a search party.  During the search, Briony stumbles across her other red-headed cousin being sexually assaulted by a man in a black dinner jacket.  She immediately convinces the traumatized victim that it was the housekeeper's son and then swears to an affidavit, a binding legal document that he was the man she saw.

So now the cops are waiting for this guy, who was going to go to medical school, when he comes back with the two runaway brats.  They haul him off in cuffs.  He ends up having to join the enlisted ranks to get out of prison and gets sent to France in WWII.

Back to my questions:  who the fuck takes testimony from a ten-year-old?  In America, we'd have thrown that shit right out of court.  Or, at least, torn her apart on cross-examination.  And if you're going to allow the kid who has a history of writing fanciful stories to say stuff, why not get the testimony of the two red-headed kids?
That brings us to question #2.  If the red-headed kids were far enough away for the girl to be found, the cops to be called, and statements to be taken, how would he have had the time to molest her?  Is he a long-distance runner?  That seems like a case of simple math.

But the movie isn't concerned with any of that because then it wouldn't be called "Atonement", it would be called "Lying Girl Goes to Bed with Boxed Ears".  The movie wants you to believe that this one act completely ruined these people's lives and that, through the lens of time, Briony realizes that she has done something horrific and spends her life trying to make amends.

These are lies.

Not about the ruined lives part.  They got completely hosed.  But about the atonement.  She doesn't do shit the whole movie.  She never recants, she doesn't push for an appeal, she doesn't even bother to find out which unit he's in so she can write his commanding officer and at least let him know that the guy isn't some prison shitbag.  She becomes a nurse.  Whoop-de-fucking-do.  There weren't a lot of other jobs available for women at that time period.  And she still has a bad habit of making everything about her; her ward-supervisor has to tell her to stop giving the soldiers her first name since the nurses are supposed to be clinical and professional.

She's not remorseful; she's a Munchausen candidate.  Or a psychopath.  Too harsh?  You need more?  Okay.

After about a million jump cuts back and forth through the timeline (which was freakin' annoying, by the way; it's not the prequel to Memento), we see Briony in advanced age talking to some TV host about her 21st and final novel "Atonement".  Yeah, she went on to be a best-selling, prolific novelist.

What happened to her sister and boyfriend?  Did I mention the tragic star-crossed part?

So she finally tells the true story of what happened that night only after everyone who was involved is long dead.  And she admits that the only reason she did it is because her doctors have told her that her brain is turning to cottage cheese.  That's real fucking brave.  Way to take a stand for your principles.

Oh, but it's romantic.  I guess that makes it all better.

The Green Hornet (2011)

  Did you know Seth Rogen co-wrote this movie?  I didn't.  That totally explains why it's not great, though.

I didn't hate it.  Let me say that first.  It's a fun movie.  It's just not great.  Maybe I've seen too many gritty comic book movies.  That's what I'm used to, now.  It's hard for me to see superheroes not being taken seriously.  You'll never see Batman making homoerotic jokes, for instance.

The frat-boy vibe aside, all of the action sequences were freakin' outstanding.  Kato (Jay Chou) is the stand-out star of the film, no matter whose name is on the marquee.  Mechanical genius, badass martial artist, even barista:  there is no skill that Kato does not display mastery of.  By contrast, Britt Reid (Seth Rogen) is a bumbling moron with good intentions and a bankroll.  I have no idea if that's how the character is supposed to be.  I wasn't around for the original radio series.  It works, though.  It's all very tongue-in-cheek that Britt is an idiot who thinks he's in charge.

Daddy issues abound, and that got old pretty quick.  Maybe because I've never had them, I find it very hard to have sympathy for those types of characters in books, movies, or music.  It comes across to me as whiny and insecure.

Christoph Waltz is playing well under his potential as the bad guy, Chudnofsky.  I think he knew it, too, since he has almost zero facial expressions throughout the film.  Post-Oscar curse.  Just look at Jamie Foxx.  He'll bounce back though.  I have faith.

I'm not going to spend a lot of time breaking this movie down since it doesn't deserve that kind of treatment.  In summation, every part that wasn't directly related to ass-kicking or driving was sub-par.  The driving and ass-kicking, however, were very enjoyable.

Time Bandits (1981)

I saw this movie when I was a small child and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have.  I remembered nothing about it except that it terrified me and involved closets.  For years I thought it was just the product of my febrile imagination.  That or my parents were secretly lacing my food with opium.

This is an early work from Terry Gilliam and I can sort of see it as the logical beginning to a career culminating in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.  That could be because I am a strange and terrible person.

It's full of cameos (they're too short to be called roles) by famous faces including Sean Connery, Ian Holm, and Shelley Duvall.  John Cleese and Micheal Palin help out their Monty Python pal as Robin Hood and a guy with erectile dysfunction, respectively.

Plot?  You want plot?  Okay, but you asked for it...

Kevin is a little British kid who likes history.  His parents are materialistic and obsessed with a TV show hosted by (a ridiculously skinny) Jim Broadbent.  One night, just as he's about to fall asleep, a band of dwarves jump out of his closet and begin to assault him.  They are pursued by a giant glowing head that demands they return a map.  They run and drag Kevin with them through the wall of his room and into the Napoleonic War. 

After being a bit shaken up, Kevin learns that the dwarves used to work for the Supreme Being as handymen but had been demoted to patching up holes in time.  They decided that it would be easier to use the holes to pop in and rob famous historical people.  This does not go as easily as you might think since the dwarves didn't do any fucking research and it's left to Kevin to point out that Robin Hood's whole schtick involves giving away treasure, for instance.

Also, as with most objects of power, the forces of Evil totally want the star-map that shows the location of all the holes.  Evil, by the way, is the bad guy's name.  Nothing else, just Evil.  He manages to con the dwarves into bringing the map to his place, called the Fortress of Ultimate Darkness.  You gotta call 'em like you see 'em, I guess.  So everybody ends up getting caught and the ten-year-old has to come up with a plan to get the hell out and rescue the map before Evil destroys all of recorded history.

Normally, I don't like to give away the ending but this one is so fucked up I feel like you should go ahead and know about it so you can't come back to me later like "What the eff, Lucy?"  I will simply say "I told you so, jackass.  You made that bed and now you get to sleep in it."

So, Kevin decides that all the dwarves should jump in a big time-hole and come back with whatever help they can find while he and one other guy distract Evil and grab the map.  They leave him the most retarded of the crew because why would he need competent help while going up against someone who is only named Evil.  Psh.  He can handle it.

Then he gets captured by ghouls.
  This is a fan-made costume.  The ones in the movie are even freakier, if you can imagine.

And they screech.

The dwarves show up with Greek archers, cowboys, knights, an M1A1 Abrams tank, and some sort of laser thing from the future.  This amounts to jack shit since Evil whips everyone's ass, collapsing a column onto and killing one of the dwarves.  Just as he's about to like eat everyone's souls and shit, the Supreme Being shows up and explodes him.  Yes, it's a literal Deus ex Machina ending.  It would be fittingly hilarious if the Supreme Being wasn't just as much of a dick as the evil guy.  First thing he does is tell all the dwarves that he wants all this shit cleaned up and puts them to work.  He re-animates the dead one, not because it's the right thing to do but because he hates slackers.  Then he sends Kevin home because he wasn't supposed to be there anyway, over the kid's objections because he notices that a piece of exploded Evil has started smoking.

Kevin wakes up to find that the smoke is because his fucking house is on fire.  He gets rescued by Sean Connery (and let's face it, who wouldn't want that?) and taken out to his parents...who don't even notice because they're too busy arguing over what appliances they should have saved.  One of the firemen says "This is what did it" and hands them a still-smoking toaster oven.  They open the oven and Kevin recognizes the black chunk inside as being the exploded bit of Evil.  He screams at his parents not to touch it, so of course they do.  Boom.  Twin piles of ash.

Roll end credits.

ARE YOU SHITTING ME, MOVIE?!  You're just going to leave your protagonist a homeless orphan?  Fucking seriously?!  I don't care what jaunty little tune George Harrison wrote for your ending, you just left a pre-teen to starve.  Fuck you, Time Bandits!  And the motherfucking horse you rode out of the wardrobe!

Tequila Sunrise (1988)

  So, I'm really trying to get posts up about every movie that I watch, in an effort to show you exactly how little of a life I lead I guess. I kind of dropped the ball on Billy Jack, but you wouldn't have been interested in it anyway. I might still do one at some point, if the Netflix well runs dry or something. 

Don't you hate movies that look so awesome on paper and fail so miserably in execution?  Look at that poster.  Late 80's Gibson, Russell and Pfeiffer, each one at their (arguable) peak of hotness all in one movie together.  Plus, Raul Julia.  How the fuck could this go wrong?

Here's how:  it makes not one goddamn lick of sense.  Not one.  Mel Gibson is a retired drug runner.  Okay.  No one ever "retires" from drug running in a movie without faking their deaths and moving to another country. 

Kurt Russell is a childhood friend of Mel's turned cop.  We are expected to believe that he is a good cop, despite the fact that he's a manipulative asshole whose best friend is a drug runner.

Michelle Pfeiffer is a hostess at a restaurant.  No fucking way.  Sure, it's her restaurant but you can't expect me to believe that a woman who looks like that is involved in the day-to-day crap of ordering inventory, paying bills, and managing the staff. 

"Gee, did I remember to order more tomatoes?  Who fucking cares?  I'm gorgeous."

So, as far as I can tell, plot goes something like this:

Mel Gibson:  I'm not a drug runner any more!

Kurt Russell:  I don't believe you.  But I'm going to hang around and pretend we're cool so I can keep you from being busted by the DEA/do it myself if there's any way for me to look good.  Who is that?

Michelle Pfeiffer:  I run a restaurant.  PS:  I'm way too pretty for this bit part.

MG:  /love

KR:  /boner  Hey, Michelle, even though I'm fully aware my friend is totally in love with you how's about I hit that while I got a chance?

MP:  Okay.

KR:  Hey, while I'm boning you, do you mind if I also use you to keep tabs on my friend who, by the way, is totally in love with you?

MP:  Uh...wait, what?

KR:  Great!  You're a peach.

MP:  Hey, Mel, your friend is kind of an asshole and I don't think I want him seeing my spectacular naked body anymore.

MG:  /love

Raul Julia:  I think I'm supposed to be a villain but how can you hate on me when Kurt is obviously way more of a douche?  /SIIIING!

MG:  Seriously you guys, I totally quit selling coke.  I don't know why you're all hanging out at my house.  Also, I'm in love with Michelle. 

MP:  Let's have sex in your hot tub!

MG:  /loveboner

RJ:  You fuck like a champion!  ((Real quote.))

Then there's some complicated shenanigans involving half a million dollars, some worthless cocaine, a DEA guy getting screwed over, boats exploding, and a proposal.  This could have been a Bollyhood production if only there had been some sort of dance number in the third act.