2013 Year End Post

I just realized that this is the last weekend of 2013.  I'm going to move past how distressingly fast this year went by, and focus on the movies.  Initially, I was worried I hadn't seen enough but I've actually watched nearly 300 films, thirty-three of which were new in theaters this year.  It was harder than I thought it would be to narrow it down to just ten. 

The last cut was rough, so I'm going to include them as Honorable Mentions.  These two were so close but just got edged out:  Monsters University and R.I.P.D.  They were both funny, but didn't have that extra oomph.

10.  (tie) Pacific Rim and The Lone Ranger - I know, this is totally cheating, but I really kept going back and forth between them.  They each had their problems and didn't really connect with the public at large, but I think they're both worthwhile films.

9. Kick-Ass 2 - It suffers a bit from sequel-itis but Chloe Moretz is too awesome to ignore.

8. The World's End - I think this ending chapter had more depth than I was initially expecting and I believe that it will only grow on me more with repeat viewings.

7. Despicable Me 2 - Again, this showed much more emotional range than its predecessor.

6. Thor:  the Dark World - Loki.  Loki, Loki, Loki.  The end.

5.  The Hunger Games:  Catching Fire - This movie made me excited to see the third chapter of a Young Adult series.  That's impressive.

4. The Hobbit:  The Desolation of Smaug - Maybe it's just because this is the one I saw most recently, but I really liked this film.  It has stuck with me, despite having too many characters and a lot of frenetic editing.  I feel anticipatory for the third film.  Plus, I'm hoping for more Lee Pace.

3. Iron Man 3 - Robert Downey, Jr. was made to play Tony Stark.  I get that he's starting to feel a little run-down by the physicality but he was still able to translate that feeling into the character.  Tony Stark has been through a lot and he is tired.  This is a strong finish, just in case they never go back for a fourth solo outing.

2. The Conjuring - This was the best horror film of the year.  Hands (clapping) down.

1. Frozen - Granted, there are still three days before 2014 where I could see a movie that surpasses this one but, for now, far and away my favorite film of the year.  It has been so long since a Disney movie has blown me away.  Everything about it was just so good.  The animation, the humor, the music, everything. 

More TV

So this is one of those confluence of events where I don't have any actual movies that I've watched recently, just lots and lots of TV.  I've made my way through four seasons of Burn Notice so far.  Right now, I'm on disc 2 of season 5.  It would be going a lot faster but these are new episodes to me.  Apparently, I stopped watching the show live around halfway through season four and only saw intermittent episodes after that.  So now I have to actually watch them.  This ties up about four hours at a time per disc. 

I was doing good with Netflix but the top of my queue is now loaded with volume one of the Looney Tunes collection.  The good news is every episode on that disc is solid gold.  The bad news is that it does take up some movie spots.  What are you going to do, though?  Pass up classic Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck?  I think not.

All is not lost, however.  Yesterday, I wrapped up season one of Fringe so now I can at least move on with that medium.  This was a show with a rabid fanbase, but one I blew off after the pilot aired.  I was mad about all the comparisons to The X-Files and did not feel that Fringe was a worthy successor.  But I made myself give it another shot and it sort of grew on me.  Not enough that I would consider owning it, but enough to stop hissing if it's mentioned in public. 

I always feel like I'm letting you guys (the collective internet, really) down when I have one of these posts instead of a real one.  It's a poor substitute, I know, but it's better than radio silence.  Think of it as a promissory note:  movie reviews are coming!  Just not right this second.

Trollhunter (2010)

Did everyone who celebrates Christmas have a good one?  I did.  I would go so far as to call it an unqualified success.  I got fuzzy socks, a Starbucks gift set, make-up, bath stuff and, of course, movies.  Christy got me Anastasia, The Brave Little Toaster, and Clueless, her boyfriend got me Dead Man Down, and Rob got me a 6-film Jackie Chan collection and the Warner Bros. Best Picture collection.  Twenty more Best Picture winners from 1929 all the way to 2006.  Plus, my aunt and uncle got me a gift card to Fandango, which is going to come in very handy this Oscar season.  Honestly, I feel very humbled to have so many people in my life who love me whether or not I always deserve it.

Enough mushy crap.  Trolls!    Ignore that tagline; it's terrible, but the movie is good.

Three film students are tracking a man named Hans (Otto Jespersen) who they believe to be a bear poacher.  They discover that Hans is actually part of a secret government branch that monitors Norway's most endangered animals:  trolls.  Several of the territorial creatures have escaped their enclosures to rampage the countryside and Hans wants to know why.  Initially skeptical, the students soon find that sometimes fairy tales should be left alone.

This is one of the rare films that actually does found footage correctly.  The whole thing is played very straight, with a heartfelt plea at the beginning and end about people coming forward if they have any answers on what may have befallen the three film students shown.  The creature effects are very good, as well, especially in the "night vision" portions. 

I always like to see myths and legends from other countries told without the lens of Americanization.  I grew up with David the Gnome on Nickelodeon.  My mom actually had the source book for that cartoon, Gnomes, so I'm aware of Scandinavian troll stories.  There are lots.  I did not know that trolls can apparently smell the blood of Christians.  That's a nifty little detail that you wouldn't get if you didn't grow up there, I guess. 

His Kind of Woman (1951)

What's more Christmas-y than wishing you were at a tropical resort?  I present to you His Kind of Woman.     I added a bunch of noirs a while back and I'm just now getting to them.  This one is billed as a noir comedy, so it's less bleak than most of the genre.

Dan Milner (Robert Mitchum) is a professional gambler who has hit a string of bad luck.  He has just returned from a stint in jail when a shady gangster makes him a too-good-to-be-true offer:  $50,000 in exchange for meeting a guy at a Mexican resort.  Dan is nobody's fool, however, and retains the proper level of suspicion about his newfound benefactor.  He shares a chartered plane down to Morros Resort with Lenore Brent (Jane Russell), a wealthy socialite who sings for kicks.  Lenore and Dan strike up an easy friendship but her heart is set on landing acclaimed actor Mark Cardigan (Vincent Price).  The resort is filled with all types of fish, and even a couple of sharks, like Myron (Jim Backus), a friendly guy who's just a little too interested in newlyweds Jennie and Milton Stone (Leslie Banning and Richard Bergren).  Dan has to discover what he means to deported kingpin Nick Ferraro (Raymond Burr) before it's too late.

According to the Netflix sleeve, this was developed as a star vehicle for Jane Russell.  It does showcase her quite a bit, but this is Mitchum's show.  Without his hangdog, cynical face this would just be another fluffy romantic comedy.  It's nice to see Vincent Price as something other than King of Horror and this is definitely the youngest I've seen Raymond Burr.  Jim Backus looks pretty much exactly the same as he did on Gilligan's Island, though, so you should recognize him right off. 

The Boys from Brazil (1978)

  This was a shockingly intense film, especially considering its age, anchored by incredible performances.

Seriously, people talk about Laurence Olivier as one of the world's greatest acting talents but the man died when I was six-years-old.  It's not like I grew up familiar with his work.  But seeing him go from Marathon Man to this film beggars belief.  It's not just that he's amazing in both roles, it's how different the two performances are.  He went from smooth murderer the White Angel to frail Nazi-hunter Ezra Lieberman in two years.  Do you know how short that is in movie-world?  That's crazy.  And then, there's James Mason, one of the best English villains, and Gregory Peck looking like Powers Boothe with the jet black hair and the mustache.

A young Nazi-hunter (Steve Guttenberg with a baby face!) in Paraguay accidentally uncovers an international assassination plot headed by Nazi scientist and straight-up evil motherfucker Dr. Josef Mengele (Gregory Peck).  He passes some of the information to acclaimed Nazi-hunter Ezra Lieberman (Laurence Olivier) but is killed before he can get all of it.  Lieberman is initially reluctant to get involved, but his curiosity eventually gets the better of him.  Soon, however, he realizes that the 94 projected murders are just the tip of the iceberg.

This is a slow-burner of a movie, taking the first hour just to set up the central plot point but it's worth it.  Even when you know what's coming, you'll still be riveted to your seat, especially during the final confrontation.  Knowing that these characters were all based on real war criminals only makes it that much more disturbing. 

Vengeance (2009)

  I could not tear myself away from this movie.  Once I started watching it, that was it.

When Frank Costello's (Johnny Hallyday) daughter and her family are gunned down in Macau, he leaves his Parisian restaurant and flies across the world to enact vengeance.  There are only a couple of problems:  Frank doesn't speak Chinese, his daughter (Sylvie Testud) can't identify the three men who attacked her, and Frank might suddenly lose any and all memory thanks to a bullet lodged in his brain from when he used to be a gangster.  But he is not about to let that stand in the way of some bloody justice.  He hires contract killers Kwai (Anthony Wong), Chu (Ka Tung Lam) and Fat Lok (Suet Lam) to help him find the three murderers.  The only information of any use is that the daughter managed to shoot one's ear off in the fight.  Frank is willing to sacrifice everything he owns in order to find the men who killed his family and who paid them to do it. 

It's beautiful and tragic and weird and awesome.  You should definitely check it out.

Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

  This has been in my queue for a couple of years.  The fact that I just got around to it at the same time the horrible-looking mini-series is upon us is complete coincidence.

Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) is a bored Texas girl during the Depression.  She meets handsome, charming, if a little dumb, Clyde Barrow (Warren Beatty) and sees him as her ticket to greatness.  Together, they go on to be some of the most fearsome bank robbers America has ever seen.  Joined by their mechanic, C. W. Moss (Michael J. Pollard), Clyde's brother Buck (Gene Hackman), and his wife Blanche (Estelle Parsons), the Barrows Gang cuts a swath of devastation across Texas, Oklahoma, Iowa, and Louisiana. 

This was an incredibly stylish version of the warmer side of the Bonnie and Clyde folklore, the one that paints them as more Robin Hood-like than sociopathic spree killers.  Here, they're railing against the injustice of the Depression, targeting the banks that took people's homes and served as a metaphor for losing everything.  They were the spirit of the people made manifest, complete with Clyde's impotence and reliance on family, and Bonnie's frustrated scratching and clawing for a place of her own as an equal.  She despises Blanche for wanting nothing more than to be a housewife, for lacking ambition.  (Plus, Blanche is a shrieking harpy of a woman.) 

This movie is widely considered a classic and for good reason.  The tone stays light throughout but the darker elements lurk just beneath the surface.

Frozen (2013)

Nominated for:  Best Animated Feature and Best Original Song    This movie was so awesome.  It's one of the best Disney films I've seen in years.  The soundtrack is great, the animation is stunning, it's sweet, it's funny, it's everything you could ask for.

Princess Elsa (Idina Menzel) was born with the magical ability to create ice.  After a childhood accident involving her younger sister, Anna (Kristen Bell), Elsa is frightened into hiding her gift.  Her parents close the castle, and have Anna's memories of the event erased by trolls.  Anna grows up completely shut off from her sister without knowing why, even after their parents' untimely deaths.  On the eve of Elsa's coronation as queen, Anna meets Prince Hans of the Southern Isles (Santino Fontana) and it is love at first sight.  Elsa refuses to giver her blessing to the match because, hello, her sister literally met him that night, and a sisterly fight ensues during which Elsa's powers break free.  From there it only takes one voice to cry "Monster!" and Elsa is on the run, leaving her kingdom snowbound in the middle of summer.  Anna must brave the icy wilderness to make amends to her sister and get the unnatural winter to stop with the help of local ice cutter Kristoff (Jonathan Groff), his loyal reindeer Sven, and a happy snowman named Olaf (Josh Gad) who just wants to feel the sun on his face.

Elsa's declaration of freedom "Let It Go" was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Original Song but they're all winners.  "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" will give you the feels. 

Oh, and I almost forgot the accompanying short "Get a Horse" starring Mickey, Minnie, and the whole crew.  It was one of the most beautiful combinations of old-school line drawing with modern CGI I have ever seen.  Christy said it alone was worth the price of admission. 

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

  This movie had way more of Jason Segal's penis than I will ever be comfortable with. 

After being dumped by his TV-star girlfriend, Sarah Marshall (Kristen Bell), Peter (Jason Segal) decides to take a vacation to Hawaii to help him get over her.  Unfortunately, she is staying at the same resort with her new beau, rocker Aldous Snow (Russell Brand).  Luckily, front desk clerk Rachel (Mila Kunis) is there to help him out.

Unlike The Five-Year Engagement, I can't think of a single moment in this movie that made me laugh out loud.  It all just seemed very predictable, filled with extremely crass humor, and was really only notable for the number of supporting actors it managed to cram into each frame. 

Flight of the Navigator (1986)

  This is a cute little sci-fi film from Disney that I had never seen.  I had heard of it, but I think I kept getting it confused with War Games in my mind.  This is the one about aliens, not computers.

David (Joey Cramer) is just a normal eight-year-old boy living in Florida in 1978.  While out in the woods looking for his little brother, David stumbles down and embankment and gets knocked out.  When he comes to, he climbs out and goes home, only to find that everything has changed.  Eight years have passed, although David hasn't aged at all.  Nearby, NASA scientists retrieve a strange silver pod-like craft from where it had crashed into a power station.  Coincidence?  Not in the slightest.  Doctor Faraday (Howard Hesseman) convinces David's parents (Veronica Cartwright and Cliff De Young) to give their miraculously returned son over to NASA for testing.  They soon find that David is the only one who can communicate with the alien ship.

If you were an eight-year-old boy when this came out, it was probably pretty awesome.  Rob says it's one of his favorite movies.  It's still not bad, though your mileage will depend on how annoying you find his voice to be.  He whines a lot.  Then again, if I were abducted by an interstellar craft voiced by Pee Wee Herman, I'd probably whine a lot too.

This Gun for Hire (1942)

   Before this, I had never actually seen a Veronica Lake movie.  I knew who she was, that fall of blond hair is pretty iconic, but I had never seen her act.  She's great as a stage magician turned spy who gets caught up with an assassin (Alan Ladd, in his breakout role) with an axe to grind.

The reason I will be buying this film, however, is Robert Preston.  I'm used to Preston from his singing-dancing movies like Mame, Victor Victoria, and The Music Man.  He's so young here he's almost unrecognizable.  His speaking voice eventually gives him away.  I don't think I have ever seen him in a straight drama, much less a noir.

Otherwise, the movie is pretty cut-and-dry, with a few less twists and turns than your later noirs.  The plot here involves someone selling chemical formulas to aid American's enemies.  Since it was shot during WWII, this was probably guaranteed to make audiences recoil in disgust.  It's still strongly frowned upon, just in case you were wondering.

The Five-Year Engagement (2012)

  This was much funnier than I thought it was going to be.  I didn't have high hopes since it is, after all, a romantic comedy but I laughed most of the way through.

Tom (Jason Segal) and Violet (Emily Blunt) have been dating for a year when Tom proposes.  Everyone is happy.  Tom is a sous chef at a hot restaurant in San Francisco and Violet is trying to get into a post-doc position.  She finally gets accepted to the University of Michigan.  Tom quits, giving up a promotion to move to Michigan with her, but the stress of not being able to find a fulfilling job starts to wear on him, actually eroding his sanity.  Plus, Violet is spending more and more time with her new professor (Rhys Ifans) and the wedding plans keep getting pushed further and further back. 

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship.  People aren't perfect.  You do the best with the circumstances you are given and that's all anyone can ask of you.  Putting your life on hold while you wait for the "perfect moment" is just going to make you miserable.  This movie was probably the funniest illustration of this truth.

I was also happy to see Chris Pratt in a role.  He is starring in Guardians of the Galaxy this summer and I had only ever seen him do bit parts. 

Manhunter (1986)

  Remember that other Red Dragon adaptation starring Grissom from CSI and Ivan from RED?  No?  Because it happened.

Will Graham (William Petersen) was the FBI agent who finally brought down psychopathic psychiatrist Dr. Hannibal Lecktor (Brian Cox, and yes, that's how they spell it in the movie).  The experience scarred him so badly that he quit and moved his family to Florida.  When his old colleague Jack Crawford (Dennis Farina) shows up with a new case, Will's first instinct is to tell him no.  But he can't really say no to two murdered families. Will soon finds himself drawn in deeper and deeper to the "Tooth Fairy" case, putting everything he loves at risk.

This was a much looser adaptation of the novel than the later Edward Norton-starring Red Dragon.  I can't say that I prefer this version, but it was nice to see William Petersen look even semi-young.  Michael Mann knows how to shoot a beautiful film, no question, but this ended up being style over substance.

Golden Globes Nominations 2014

It's the most wonderful time of the year again!  Awards season!  Now, as you all know, I don't make a point of watching all the Golden Globe nominations in a month like I do the Oscars, but I do add them to my Netflix queue.  Since most of these either just came out in theaters or just left, it might be a while.  Unless they get nominated for an Oscar, in which case I will bump them to the top of the list. 

Best motion picture, drama

12 Years a Slave - This is obviously the big front-runner.  It got nominated for a bunch of SAG awards too, which people say is an important predictor for the Oscar Best Picture category.  I've heard nothing but good things, but also that it's emotionally devastating. 
Captain Phillips - This one lost a lot of steam since it came out this summer.
Gravity - Everybody talked about this film, but nobody ever mentioned the story, just the visual effects.
Philomena -  I've heard mixed reviews on this one. 
Rush - Not a lot of people I know went to see this one, but it did well critically.

Best Actor in a motion picture, drama

Chiwetel Ejiofor, 12 Years a Slave
Idris Elba, Mandela:  Long Walk to Freedom - I don't know how I would feel to accept an award for playing somebody who died so recently.  If I were Idris Elba, I would be hoping someone else won.
Tom Hanks, Captain Phillips
Matthew McConaughey, Dallas Buyers Club - Apparently McConaughey is having a great year.
Robert Redford, All is Lost - You have to be incredibly charismatic to pull off being the sole face of a movie. 

Best Actress in a motion picture, drama

Cate Blanchett, Blue Jasmine - I wouldn't say I'm a big Woody Allen fan.  I think I've only seen one, maybe two of his movies.  But I love Cate Blanchett and she's supposed to be fantastic in this.
Sandra Bullock, Gravity
Judi Dench, Philomena
Emma Thompson, Saving Mr. Banks - This one hasn't even come out yet.  Christy wants to see it, though, so I'll probably catch it at the theater.
Kate Winslet, Labour Day - I haven't heard a lot about this one.  Josh Brolin takes her hostage or something. 

Best Director - motion picture

Alfonso Cuaron, Gravity
Paul Greengrass, Captain Phillips
Steve McQueen, 12 Years a Slave
Alexander Payne, Nebraska - I was not a huge fan of The Descendants.  This seems like more of the same, except in black and white
David O. Russell, American Hustle - I was already going to watch this.  If only for the hair.

Best Screenplay - motion picture

Spike Jonze, Her - Ok, the premise of this is that a guy falls in love with the OS on his phone.  I don't know how I feel about that.
Bob Nelson, Nebraska
Jeff Pope and Steve Coogan, Philomena
John Ridley, 12 Years a Slave
David O. Russell and Eric Singer Warren, American Hustle

Best motion picture, musical or comedy

American Hustle
Her
Inside Llewyn Davis
Nebraska
Wolf of Wall Street - I didn't know this was supposed to be a comedy until pretty recently. 

Best Actress in a motion picture, musical or comedy

Amy Adams, American Hustle
Julie Delphy, Before Midnight - I haven't seen the other two films in this series.  I hope that doesn't preclude me from understanding this one.
Greta Gerwig, Frances Ha -  God, I hate mumblecore.  This is the second modern black and white film this year, though, so I'll give it that.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Enough Said - Is it just me or do you think this is just a sympathy nod because James Gandolfini died this year? 
Meryl Streep, August: Osage County - Meryl Streep is always good no matter what she's in, but it's nice to see her step away from doing insipid over-the-hill comedies.

Best Actor in a motion picture, musical or comedy

Christian Bale, American Hustle
Bruce Dern, Nebraska
Leonardo DiCaprio, Wolf of Wall Street
Oscar Isaac, Inside Llewyn Davis
Joaquin Phoenix, Her

Best Animated Feature film

The Croods - Christy really enjoyed this film.  She already bought it so I should get to it pretty soon.
Despicable Me 2
Frozen - This one just came out a couple of weeks ago and has been tearing up the box office. 

Best Foreign Language Film

Blue Is The Warmest Color (France) - This is the NC-17 teenaged lesbian movie that did so well at Cannes.  Might be a little hard to find over here.
The Great Beauty (Italy)
The Hunt (Denmark) - I was going to see this one anyway.  Mads Mikkelsen is amazing.
The Past (Iran) - I still haven't seen A Separation and that got nominated like three years ago.
The Wind Rises (Japan) - It's a Miyazaki so it has to be good.

Best supporting Actress in a motion picture

Sally Hawkins, Blue Jasmine
Jennifer Lawrence, American Hustle
Lupita Nyong'o, 12 Years a Slave
Julia Roberts, August Osage County
June Squibb, Nebraska

Best supporting Actor in a motion picture

Bradley Cooper, American Hustle
Michael Fassbender, 12 Years a Slave
Jared Leto, Dallas Buyers Club
Daniel Bruhl, Rush
Barkhad Abdi, Captain Phillips

Best Original Score – Motion Picture

All Is Lost - Alex Ebert
Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom - Alex Heffes
Gravity - Steven Price
The Book Thief - John Williams - I heard that this movie tried to hard to be emotional and ended up being melodramatic instead. 
12 Years a Slave - Hans Zimmer

Best Original Song – Motion Picture

"Atlas," The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
"Let It Go,"  Frozen
"Ordinary Love," Mandela:  Long Walk to Freedom
"Please Mr. Kennedy," Inside Llewyn Davis
"Sweeter Than Fiction," One Chance - I've never even heard of this one.

Best Actress in a TV series, drama

Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black - This show I am interested in, but there's no telling when I'll get to it.
Taylor Schilling, Orange is the New Black
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Robin Wright, House of Cards

Best Actor in a TV series, drama

Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Liev Schreiber, Ray Donovan - I added this to my queue but it hasn't been released on Netflix yet.
Michael Sheen, Masters of Sex
Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
James Spader, The Blacklist

Best TV Series, Comedy

The Big Bang Theory
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Girls
Modern Family
Parks and Recreation

Best Actress in a TV Series, Comedy

Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Lena Dunham, Girls
Julia Louis Dreyfus, Veep
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Best Actor, TV Series Comedy

Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Michael J. Fox, The Michael J. Fox Show
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Andy Samberg, Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Best TV Miniseries or Movie

American Horror Story: Coven - I tried to watch the first season and hated it.  People keep saying they're completely different from year to year so I'm going to try and give it another shot.
Behind the Candelabra - Oh, hell yes I am going to watch this.
Dancing on the Edge
Top of the Lake
White Queen

Best Actress in a mini-series or TV movie

Jessica Lange, American Horror Story: Coven
Helena Bonham Carter, Burton and Taylor
Rebecca Ferguson, The White Queen
Helen Mirren, Phil Spector
Elisabeth Moss, Top of the Lake

Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie

Matt Damon, Behind the Candelabra
Michael Douglas, Behind the Candelabra
Chiwetel Ejiofor, Dancing on the Edge
Idris Elba, Luther
Al Pacino, Phil Spector

Best Supporting Actress in a series, mini-series, or TV movie

Jacqueline Bisset, Dancing on the Edge
Janet McTeer, The White Queen
Hayden Panattiere, Nashville
Monica Potter, Parenthood
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Best Supporting Actor in a series, mini-series or TV movie

Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Rob Lowe, Behind the Candelabra
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Corey Stoll, House of Cards
Jon Voight, Ray Donovan

Fist of Fury (1972)

  Bruce Lee was so awesome.  This movie is one of the best collections of badass facial expressions I have ever seen.  

Chen (Bruce Lee) returns to Shanghai after the sudden death of his master only to find that Japanese tough guys are insulting his school.  With the honor of all China at stake, Chen must determine how his master was killed and punish the perpetrators, while also upholding the Ching Wu style.

I don't know if it was the subtitles or the age of the film, but this story is more coherently told in Fist of Legend with Jet Li.  The precursor is, of course, Fearless, also with Jet Li.  Fist of Legend also deals with more of the prejudice in the Sino-Japanese relations at the time.  Fist of Fury is really more about Bruce Lee punching the shit out of things and people.  You can't go wrong with either one, honestly.  Bruce Lee was an incredible talent who died far too soon.

The Company of Wolves (1984)

  This movie had so many WTF kind of moments I'm going to have to buy it just to convince myself it's not a hallucination.  It's so crazy it might actually be genius.  

A young girl (Sarah Patterson) dreams of a different life, where she is a peasant girl named Rosaleen.  Life in their village is very hard, as they are plagued with wolves.  After Rosaleen's sister Alice (Georgia Slowe) falls prey to the beasts, Rosaleen starts spending more time with her Granny (Angela Lansbury), who lives in the woods.  Granny is full of stories and cautionary tales of wolves that are only furry on the inside. 

There are more unintentionally terrifying moments in this movie than on purpose.  Every transformation, especially the one by Stephen Rea, is pure insanity sauce.  Then there are the life-sized dolls that chase Alice through the woods, some kid buying roofies from General Zod, and tiny silver babies hatching from bird eggs. 

If this is how Neil Jordan does werewolves, I can't wait to see his vampires in Byzantium.

Burlesque (2010)

I liked this movie so much, I actually bought it twice.  I got it on DVD right when it first came out, then ended up upgrading to blu-ray and giving the DVD to Christy.  (Ed. note:  Christy informs me that I did not give her the DVD, since she was still living in Alabama and bought it herself.  Now I can't remember who I gave it to, but I did give it to someone.  Maybe my neighbor, Kim?  This is going to bug me now.)  The blu-ray is great because you can skip straight to your favorite performances, there are extended performances, including a bonus one from Alan Cumming (I knew there would be).      This was the movie I wanted Tangled to be.  Wait...I'm sure I can phrase that better.  This is the soundtrack I wanted Tangled to have.  Much better.  I walked out of the theater and immediately bought the soundtrack.  Love love love love.

Of course, this movie couldn't have been more tailor-made for me if they had handed out Godiva truffles and free kittens at the door.  Hot girls wearing nothing but sequins?  Check.  Bright lights?  Check.  Suspiciously made-up men?  Check.  Outstandingly high-quality musical numbers?  Motherfuckin' check.  Seriously, when I saw a preview that had Cher and Christina Aguilera as burlesque singers and Stanley Tucci as a snarky backstage maven I went ahead and took $9 and put it aside.  Those became dedicated funds.

Of course, this movie owes everything it is to Caberet.  There's a particular scene where the choreography was straight-up ripped from Liza Minnelli's hands.  Because I loved the movie, I'm going to call it an homage to Fosse, but those less inclined to be generous might confuse it with plagiarism.  Hell, Alan Cumming even has a small role in the same vein as the Emcee he played in the Broadway revival.  (I will tell you right now, I can hardly wait for the DVD special features because they had to have had, had to, a longer scene with him on stage if not a full-blown musical number.  Please God.)

Anyway, the story is pretty predictable.  Girl from nowhere moves to LA to make it big, realizes that it's much harder than she thought, and stumbles across the Greatest Job in the World.  She works hard, gets her big break, and then finds that people may try and woo her for the wrong reasons.  Like any woman over the age of 13 hasn't figured that one out.  Especially if they look like Christina Aguilera.

"Someone might only be interested in my looks and not my life story?  You don't say."

But let's get real, here.  You're not going for the plot.  You're going for the costumes, the music, the dialogue, and the Cher.  Oh, yes, the Cher.

I don't care how much more plastic than human she is at this point.  It's Cher.  She's a legend and the minute she starts to sing on that stage, you believe it.

So call me a gay man trapped in a woman's body all you want.  I love me some Cher and I loved this movie.

Fire Birds (1990)

  Did you know that Tommy Lee Jones and Nicolas Cage did a Top Gun knockoff together?  Because I didn't.  And yet, the miracle of the Internet has brought it to me like a cat with a half-eaten bird. 

It is 1990 and the U.S. has decided to take the War on Drugs to the enemy, offering the use of its military to any South American government that asks.  Brad Little's (Tommy Lee Jones) job is to train Apache helicopter pilots.  The best he's ever seen is Jake Preston (Nicolas Cage) but he's also the most arrogant, headstrong, and misogynistic, given Preston's dogged pursuit of support pilot Billie Lee Guthrie (Sean Young).

This movie was so filled with testosterone that it gave me chest hair and made me beat my wife.  I'm just kidding, I don't have a wife.  It really does just seems like an attempt to cash in on Top Gun's success with a minor tie-in to the ill-fated War on Drugs.  Probably good for a laugh or to marvel over how young everyone was, but not a keeper.

In other news, yay!  Snow day!  More time to watch movies!  Also, keep your eyes peeled for a special Thursday post this week, when the 2014 Golden Globes nominations come out and I can see how many movies I didn't watch.

Buried (2010)

  I don't know what any of those people are talking about.  I can only assume the blurbs are taken out of context.

Imagine if you woke up inside a coffin buried in the desert and your day only went downhill from there.  That is what happens to Paul Conroy (Ryan Reynolds), a contracted truck driver in Iraq.  His convoy is ambushed, he blacks out, and wakes up in a box with only a lighter, a flask, and a cell phone.  It's not his cell phone, it's his captor's.  The man (Jose Luis Garcia-Perez) tells him that unless the U.S. pays a ransom of $5 million, Paul will be left to die.  He frantically calls everyone he can think of, from the FBI to the State Department to his estranged wife, only to find that being buried in a coffin in a foreign country pretty much guarantees that you're on your own. 

The thing about a personal hell is just that:  it's personal. Unless the main character is empathetic, everybody watching is just going to be bored.  Reynolds is not a bad actor, but his character is not exceptional in any way.  Frankly, he is a slacker who is waiting around for someone else to save him instead of taking the initiative and using the tools at hand to save himself.  If Uma Thurman can finger-punch her way out of a coffin buried in dirt without breaking suspension of disbelief in Kill Bill vol 2, this guy could have gotten out of a coffin buried two feet in sand with a BlackBerry.  It almost verged into a black comedy in the last half hour.  I don't know if that was the intention.  If it was, this is probably genius.  If not, it's kind of awful. 

Sanjuro (1962)

  The order of movies got all jumbled because I fell asleep halfway through watching Buried Wednesday night and then didn't feel like finishing it the next day.  So I watched this Kurosawa samurai film instead. 

I have to say, it's not my favorite.  That will probably always be The Magnificent Seven, but I have a couple of his others in my queue so we'll see.

A group of samurai are concerned about corruption within their clan so they meet at a local shrine to discuss it.  A random ronin (Toshiro Mifune) is sleeping in the shrine, because it's free, and overhears them.  Being an outsider, it is much easier for him to see that the samurai are being misled by the villainous superintendent (Masao Shimizu).  The samurai are not inclined to trust him, being without honor and all, but after the chamberlain (Yunosuke Ito) is kidnapped, they realize they are about as useful in this situation as a glass hammer.  The ronin, Sanjuro, sets up plan after plan to free the chamberlain and his family, essentially taking over the entire operation. 

Have you ever been stuck on a video game level or a puzzle and some random citizen walks by and not only solves it in front of you but does it faster and with more flair than you ever thought possible?  To the point where you would almost suspect witchcraft was involved?  That's what this character was like.  There is a message here about not judging people and about setting ego aside and taking a non-violent approach to life, but the group of samurai and, by extension, the audience are led to it by the nose.  For me, that takes the "learning" portion out of the equation.  Sanjuro essentially shows up, says "I'm better than you at everything", and walks off.

Ong Bak 3 (2011)

  Thank God the third movie opens with a recap of Ong Bak 2 or I would have been completely lost. It's been two years since I saw the second one and the third picks up immediately where it left off.

Tien (Tony Jaa) has been captured by the evil king (Sarunyu Wongkrachang) and is about to be put to death by having every bone in his body broken.  But, at the last minute, an emissary from a rival (?) king arrives and announces that Tien is to be pardoned and given sanctuary.  Evil King is annoyed by this but has more shit to worry about than some half-dead rebel.  He has been having headaches and visions of the previous king, whom he poisoned, cursing him with his dying breath.  The vulture-like assassin from the second movie (who I learned is actually a Crow Ghost named Bhuti Sangkha (Chupong Chungpruk)) tells the king that he can remove the curse.  Surprise!  It's a trap and Crow Ghost takes over the kingdom.  Never trust a crow with something shiny.  Meanwhile, Tien is making a slow recovery with the power of dance and meditation.  There are several montages on this whole process.  Eventually, he is whole again and ready to kick some ass.  Unfortunately, by this time, the Crow King has most of his village and enslaved the rest. 

I had to look up the movie in Wikipedia to figure out what exactly happened after that.  Here's a hint:  magic is involved. 

If I remember correctly, Tony Jaa had a mental breakdown after the second one and went to become a priest or something.  Then he probably realized the clergy doesn't pay dick and got back to punching things.  This movie doesn't make a whole lot of sense, probably even watched directly after the second one, but that's okay.  The first one is amazing and that's all that matters.

Bubble Boy (2001)

  I didn't find this to be hilarious but I can see why other people would like it.  It's just not the type of movie I would watch again.  Although, there are precious few movies that allow you to scream "is that Fabio?!" across your living room.

Jimmy (Jake Gyllenhaal) was born with no immune system.  To keep him alive, his overprotective mother (Swoosie Kurtz) constructs an elaborate plastic bubble in his room.  There he stays until he strikes up a friendship with the girl next door, Chloe (Marley Shelton).  Things are going well until Chloe announces her intention to marry douchebag Mark (Dave Sheridan) at Niagara Falls.  Jimmy realizes that he loves Chloe and must venture out into the world in order to tell her before she is gone for good. 

There are a lot of recognizable people in this movie from Danny Trejo to Ever Carradine.  It's worth a watch just to see how many of them you can spot.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (2005)

  If you don't know the storyline of the multiple-installment Final Fantasy video game, do not watch this movie.  It will not make a damn bit of sense.  Square Enix created this movie for existing fans, not new ones.

I had to get Rob to explain to me what happened before he went to work.

This guy Cloud used to work for some company but he quit after the bad guy, Sephiroth, killed his girlfriend, Lady-Who-Wears-Pink-and-is-Never-Named.  But he gets pulled back in after three blue-haired clones, Short, Middle, and Long kidnap a bunch of children with some sort of genetic disorder and brainwash them with water.  Maybe.  Then a bunch of people show up and there's a dragon (?) and a cat with a crown riding a red tattooed dog.

It's very confusing.

Happy Accidents (2000)

  When Netflix first recommended this romantic comedy to me I thought the algorithm had messed up again.  Then I watched it and realized that it's actually a movie about mental illness and the world made sense once more.

Ruby (Marisa Tomei) is a recovering codependent who is finally ready to stop trying to fix every man she dates.  Then she meets Sam (Vincent D'Onofrio), a driver for a hospice facility, who seems like the antidote to all her drama.  Sure, he has little idiosyncrasies like a fear of dogs, an inability to distinguish between types of things, and a general air of cluelessness.  But he's sweet, and sincere, and genuine.  Then he tells her that he's actually a time traveler from the year 2470 who came into the past specifically to find her because he saw her picture in an antique shop.  Aaaaaand we're back to the crazy.  Her friend Gretchen (Nadia Dajani) thinks it's some sort of weird sex game and her therapist (Holland Taylor) thinks it's a combination of guilt over a trauma Sam experienced and Temporal Lobe Epilepsy.  Ruby doesn't know what to think.  On the one hand, this man is obviously deranged and in serious need of psychiatric help but on the other, this is her healthiest relationship to date.  What's a girl to do?

I laughed myself stupid watching this.  Not so much because it was written with a humorous intent but because, hello, some dumb broad's boyfriend told her he was a fucking time traveler.  If one of my friends came up to me and told me that shit I would be enthralled.  They would be my new favorite person.  But none of my friends are that gullible, so I will miss out.

Stylistically, this film felt more late-60's than 2000.  There are a lot of still shots, a lot of reverse shots and it feels much older.  I don't know who the target audience for this film would be.  Not me, obviously, because all I'm going to do is make fun of it.  Codependent chicks looking for the perfect man?  Dudes looking for the mother of all fake stories?  "Hey, baby, my watch is from the future and it can tell you don't have any underwear on.  You do?  It must be fifteen minutes fast."