Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1990)

  I hated this movie so much.  When I heard it referenced on Indie Sex, I thought "oh, hell yeah.  A young, hot Antonio Banderas in an NC-17 movie about bondage?  Where do I sign up?"  This movie was awful.  AW-FUL.  And I have no idea why it's NC-17.  There is 1 (one) sex scene and you can't even see anything.  The sex scene in Desperado was way hotter.  The main chick gets naked in a bathtub for about 20 seconds.  I've seen longer in shampoo commercials so that's not it.  Is it because they show an old guy watching her in a porno?  Ok, she's obviously simulating masturbation but, again, you can't see anything.

This is billed as a sex comedy.  You tell me if you find anything funny in the synopsis I'm about to write and I'll personally pay for you to go to therapy, you sick bastard.

Ricky (Antonio Banderas) gets released from his court-mandated stint in a mental institution and immediately steals the keys of former-porn-actress-and-heroin-junkie-turned-legit actress Marina (Victoria Abril) from the set of her last movie.  He busts into her apartment, knocks her out, and proceeds to keep her tied up and a neighbor's apartment (he's on vacation), threatening to kill her and then himself if she tries to escape.  His aim in all of this?  To make her love him.  Because she totally would if she just gave him a chance.  He gets his ass kicked by some drug dealers after he tries scoring some heroin for her toothache and she cleans him up.  Then they have sex.  Her sister (Loles Leon) comes in to water the plants and helps her escape.  Then she realizes that she really does love Ricky, her kidnapper, and goes to find him.

Now, I have been hit on by some creepy dudes.  I've never been legitimately stalked, but I've had people push that line.  It's not cute.  It's not funny.  At best, it's pathetic.  At worst, it makes me think about booby-trapping my apartment Home Alone style.  Maybe if the actress didn't actually look like she was fucking terrified for her life, it would be funny.  This is definitely a case of being too good at your job.