Madame Web (2024)

  This is currently sitting at a 13% on Rotten Tomatoes but honestly, it's not that bad.  It's not great, but it doesn't deserve the keelhauling it's been getting.

EMT Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson) begins having precognitive visions after a near-death experience.  Most seem centered on three teenaged girls, Julia (Sydney Sweeney), Anya (Isabela Merced), and Mattie (Celeste O'Connor), that she had only barely met but who are being hunted by a strange man in a black and red bodysuit that can climb walls and poison with a touch.  Ezekiel Simms (Tahar Rahim) knows that he will be murdered by three women with spider-powers and will stop at nothing to secure his future.  Simms and Webb are connected through a mysterious tribe in the Amazon and if Cassie wants to save the future, she must understand her past.

That's all bog-standard comic book stuff, so I'm not sure why people are objecting to it.  Is Cassandra Webb a lazy shorthand for a prophetic spider-person?  Sure.  But it's no dumber than Steven Strange for a wizard.

I've seen some people complaining that the only person with spider-powers is the villain and the glimpses we get of the spider-women are only a few seconds in a flash-forward.  Okay.  That's more about managing expectations, I think.  If you went in thinking it was going to be an origin story for Sweeney, Merced, and O'Connor, you'd be profoundly disappointed.  But it's an origin story for Johnson's character -- like it says on the poster.  The teenage girls are incidental.

Some criticisms are valid.  Tonally, the movie feels off.  Like it's been muted somehow.  I also think it tries way too hard to establish that it's taking place in 2003.  There are a ton of pop culture references, especially the music choices, and less would have been more in that case.   Zosia Mamet's "hacker" character is also mishandled.  I get the post-Patriot Act surveillance being weaponized angle, but it is overly convenient for plot reasons.  

For me, the two biggest complaints I had were 1) Cassie's journey to Peru.  She is a person of interest in a kidnapping.  Post-9/11 you're telling me that she could just hop on a plane without the FBI putting her on a no-fly list?  No.  She also manages to find the exact same spot where her mom took a picture because none of the trees have changed in the jungle in 30 years.  And she masters the ability to use her psychic powers in five days.  It feels like the writers were struggling with getting to the third act.  2) Every line of dialogue Rahim says sounded like it had been re-recorded.  There were a lot of moments where the spoken words didn't match his mouth movements, where he was talking without being on screen, or behind the mask and I cannot figure out why.  Did they change the script a bunch of times?  Was there a problem with his original voice?  Is that even his voice?  Big "Marni Nixon subbing for Audrey Hepburn" vibes.

All that aside, it's fine as popcorn entertainment.  Tyler liked it and he's a way bigger Spider-Man fan than I am.  It's currently only in theaters.  Go on a Tuesday matinee and see it for 25% off.  

Tarzan (1999)

  I remember seeing this in theaters as a teenager and not being impressed at all, a rarity for me having grown up on all things Disney animation.  I know it was a big deal with Disney debuting some new CG background style but I hated the story and found the Phil Collins soundtrack a total misfire.

It's been damn near 20 full years since then so I thought I'd give Tarzan another shot to see if I had grossly misjudged this animated take on Edgar Rice Burroughs' timeless tale. 

Nope.  It's still awful.

Kala (Glenn Close) the gorilla loses her infant to a leopard and adopts an orphaned human over the objections of her mate, Kerchek (Lance Henriksen).  The child grows up to be a strange, quasi-accepted member of the troop, content with his place until he stumbles across a pair of explorers.  Professor Porter (Nigel Hawthorne) and his daughter Jane (Minnie Driver) have come to study gorillas in their natural habitat but are unprepared to meet what they believe is the missing link.  Their "guide" Clayton (Brian Blessed) is more interested in hauling the apes back for a profit than conservation and believes the naïve Tarzan (Tony Goldwyn) is his ticket to finding them.

Animated movies live or die on the strength of the side characters and this film falls flat in that regard.  Terk (Rosie O'Donnell) and Tantor (Wayne Knight) seem like watered down rejects from The Jungle Book and the aforementioned Phil Collins score is bland and uninteresting, not offering even a single song for the characters to show any personality.  ("Trashin' the Camp" is fucking noise, not a song.  Don't @ me.)

There could have been more drama mined from Tarzan's fish-out-of-water confrontation with his foster family but the film opts for a lazy kidnap and rescue instead.  Honestly, I don't think I've ever seen a good Tarzan adaptation so maybe I'm just being super harsh. 

Oscar Recap for 89th Academy Awards

I know, this is so far removed from the ceremony I might as well not even bother.  Under the old posting schedule, it would have gone out the next day after broadcast.  But since I stopped posting on Mondays because I just can't balance work, school, homework, and blogging, it's now almost a week late.  I am sorry if this is something you look forward to reading (Christy) because you don't watch the telecast (Christy) because you can't stay up past seven o'clock (Christy).  Right now, the new posting schedule of Friday, Saturday, Sunday is better for me.  Maybe next year, I'll get brave and try to live blog the Oscars as they happen.

Let's get to the ceremony!

The opening number with Justin Timberlake got things off to a great start.  It helps that "Can't Stop the Feeling" is ridiculously happy.  It also put me in mind of the Golden Globes, which I took to be a good sign.  Maybe the Academy is trying to shed some of that self-important "prom" image and do something entertaining.  Because, yes, it's about movie stars being awarded for their performances, but it's also a freaking 3 hour and 40 minute TV show with about a billion people watching worldwide.  We can't all be paraded in front of the A-listers from a tour bus.  More on that later.

Jimmy Kimmel was the host of this year's telecast.  I have never really liked Kimmel ever since The Man Show days but I examined that feeling a little more and realized I don't like any late-night TV hosts.  I don't watch late-night TV.  I spent too many years watching Jon Stewart's (canonization pending) uncensored rants to feel anything for these pale, network milquetoasts.  That being said, Kimmel was a great host.  He could do the Oscars every year and I would be okay.  The only joke he had that truly didn't land with the audience was "the only happy ending this year came halfway through Moonlight" and he was able to recover almost immediately.

Best Supporting Actor went to Mahershala Ali for Moonlight and it was well-deserved.
Best Costumes went to Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.
Best Hair and Makeup went to Suicide Squad and was the only category this year I think where I saw every film nominated.

Kimmel introduced Janelle Monae, Taraji P. Hensen, and Octavia Spencer to present the award for Best Documentary Feature by calling them "Algebra's Angels" and I thought that was the most underrated joke of the night.  The Hidden Figures stars wheeled out the actual Katherine Johnson (the character Hensen played in the movie) so the audience could applaud her.  I don't want to imply that she is not a national goddamn hero, because she is, or that she wasn't unfairly overlooked her entire life, because she was, but Jesus Christ on a cracker, what is it with the Academy hauling out old people just to stare at them?  That's so rude!  Is it because they've forgotten what old age looks like?  Is it a cautionary tale?  "If you don't slather on La Mer every night and keep all of your Botox appointments, this could happen to you!"

Anyway, Best Documentary went to O.J.:  Made in America.  At this point, I was really excited because I had seen all of the winners.  I should have known better.

The next nominee for Best Original song was performed from Moana by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Auli'i Cravalho.  Everything that man touches turns to gold.  Obviously, this was my favorite performance of the night.

Best Sound Editing went to Arrival.
Best Sound Mixing went to Hacksaw Ridge.
Best Supporting Actress went to Viola Davis for Fences.
Best Foreign Film went to The Salesman from Iran.  The director, Oscar Farhadi, boycotted this year's ceremony to protest the Muslim, excuse me, travel ban.
Best Animated Short went to Piper, another win for Pixar.
Best Animated Feature went to the overrated Zootopia.  Not that I'm bitter.

Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan came out to present Best Production Design.  She looked terrible. Nice dress but her hair and makeup were too severe.  She made a joke about having seen Dornan somewhere before and you could tell it was an ad-lib because he had no idea how to respond.  It raised my estimation of her as a person.

Best Production Design went to La La Land.

At this point, Kimmel decided to parade a bunch of random people (but I'm sure they were carefully screened beforehand) through the auditorium in what I felt to be the most tone-deaf portion of the night.  I talked to my mom about it and she had a totally different take, so I will include both views in the interest of fairness.

According to my mom, she felt bad for the tour bus people.  Imagine riding around the top of a tour bus in LA all day and then being told you're going to see a new museum exhibit on Oscar gowns and fashion, only to have the doors open and there you are on live TV in front of a huge room containing every celebrity ever and all you can think is "My God, I smell like hot dogs and exhaust fumes and holy shit, there's Meryl Streep and Denzel Washington."

My take was, here you are a Hollywood celebrity.  You haven't eaten all day so you can fit into your dress, you're wearing uncomfortable shoes, and you know you're not going to be able to pee for the next five hours because you'll be on live TV.  Then the doors open and in come a handful of random strangers to stare and film you on their phones like you're a zoo exhibit and all you can think is "My God, I just inhaled an entire box of Junior Mints that fell from the sky.  I hope I don't have chocolate in my teeth.  These people probably waited hours and I am not going to be the one who ruins everything because of stupid Junior Mints."

Then, of course, there's option three:  "Look, peasants, upon our majesty and riches!  Stare at everything you will never possess!"  /maniacal laughter

And can we talk about the parachuting candy, like we are in the fucking Hunger Games?  Was that a political statement?  A warning?

Best Visual Effects went to The Jungle Book.
Best Film Editing went to Hacksaw Ridge.
Best Documentary Short went to The White Helmets.  One of the actual White Helmets was supposed to attend, but he actually was prevented by the totally-not-a-Muslim travel ban.
Best Live Action Short went to Sing, which is not the same as the American Idol for animals animated movie.
Best Cinematography went to La La Land.
Best Original Score went to La La Land.
Best Original Song went to "City of Stars" from La La Land.
Best Original Screenplay went to Manchester by the Sea.
Best Adapted Screenplay went to Moonlight, which might have been the only prediction I made that actually happened.
Best Director went to Damien Chazelle for La La Land.
Best Actor went to Casey Affleck for Manchester by the Sea.  The presenter was Brie Larson, who very noticeably did not clap for Affleck's win.  Affleck just settled two sexual assault suits out of court because he is rich and white and can do things like that.  Larson is an advocate for sexual assault and rape survivors.  She had to give him a trophy but she didn't have to like it.  My money says she bathed in Purell afterwards.
Best Actress went to Emma Stone for La La Land.  I didn't have a dog in that fight, but I will say that the stand-in photo they used of nominee Natalie Portman (who didn't attend because she could drop a baby at any point, and was the funniest person in the Mean Tweets Oscar Edition segment) was absolutely gorgeous.

Then came the Best Picture award and the biggest fuckup in Oscar history.  If you've somehow been living under a rock, here's what happened:  Warren Beatty was accidentally handed a backup Best Actress envelope instead of Best Picture because some PricewaterhouseCoopers accountant was tweeting and not paying attention.  So, Beatty opens the envelope and just kind of freezes because he can see that it's wrong, but everybody thinks he's just drawing out the moment to be funny.  He hands the card to Faye Dunaway and she says the winner is La La Land, which was the expected winner.

All the producers of La La Land crowd onto the stage to give their speeches and take their Oscars and some poor schmuck of a stagehand has to be the one to say "there was a mix-up."  Jordon Horowitz, the executive producer of La La Land, stopped everything to make the correction that Moonlight had actually won.  And the world lost its collective mind for a hot minute.  According to Jimmy Kimmel, there was supposed to be a final skit with him and long-running enemy Matt Damon to close out the show but it had to be scrapped because of the mistake.  Frankly, at that point, the show was 40 minutes over schedule so they probably should have cut the skit anyway, but for sure, no one would have paid attention after that bombshell.

I honestly felt bad for Jimmy Kimmel.  He had made a joke when he was announced as host about how honored he was to host "the 89th and final Oscars."  It was supposed to be a Trump joke, implying that the President would abolish the Academy Awards because they make fun of him, but I'm betting Kimmel felt an icy cold rush of prescience when that Best Picture thing happened and people were running around backstage in total chaos after just seeing their careers go up in flames like the Hindenburg.  He handled it as best as he could, and I wouldn't mind seeing him host again.

The Jungle Book (2016)

Nominated for Best Visual Effects    This was an interesting film, not just because of the amazing advances in technology since the 60s which allowed this to be live-action* but also because of the shift in message of the new version.  More on that in a minute.

Mowgli (Neel Sethi) has been raised by wolves in the jungle after having been found as an infant by Bagheera (Ben Kingsley) the panther.  He doesn't fit in, however, since his development rate is so different than his furry brothers and he cannot keep up with their games without resorting to "man tricks" like using tools and non-linear thinking.  He is generally accepted and loved despite these differences.  The notable exception is Shere Khan (Idris Elba) the tiger, who hates Mowgli for what he represents:  mankind and their associated incursions and unintended consequences.  Bagheera decides that for Mowgli's safety, he must be returned to the man village.  Along the way, they are separated and Mowgli comes under the care of Baloo (Bill Murray) the bear.  Initially, Baloo is only interested in using Mowgli for his own ends but soon comes to care for the boy.  Baloo agrees to help Bagheera take Mowgli back to the village, but when Mowgli learns that Akela (Giancarlo Esposito) the wolf has been killed by Shere Khan, he is determined to go back and face the tiger.

Okay, here is where the rubber meets the road.  In the original Disney movie, Mowgli is caught unawares and defenseless by Shere Khan but a fortuitous lightning strike creates fire in the dry grass of the plain.  Mowgli ties a burning stick to Shere Khan's tail and scares the big cat away.  Then he goes to the human village, sees a girl, and happily follows her into the village to be with his own kind.

In the NEW movie, Mowgli sneaks into the village to steal a burning torch, intent on using it against Shere Khan.  While running back to the wolf pack, embers drop behind him, setting fire to the surrounding jungle.  Khan points this out as Mowgli's inherent human failure to refrain from destroying everything he touches.  In disgust, Mowgli puts out the torch and calls on the wolf pack to aid him, basically slowing down the tiger so he can think of something smarter.  He races into the inferno and uses "man tricks" to lure the tiger onto a dead branch, which breaks and sends the tiger to a fiery death while Mowgli swings free.  He then rejoins the wolf pack, his adopted family.

This represents a totally different ideology.  It is no longer "fish out of water has adventures but finally goes back where he belongs" but "fish develops personal sense of identity through trials and along the way opens others' minds as to the subversion of traditional labels."  Now whether that is good or bad depends on you, the viewer, but I couldn't get over what an interesting change it was and what it says about us as a society (our values and cultural conditioning) now as opposed to fifty years ago.




*ish.  It is 90% CGI so the term "live" is a little misleading, but the little boy was human and some of the cinematography was real (maybe).

Oscar Nominations for 2016

It's nominations day again!  I didn't see any real surprises here.  All the major categories match up pretty seamlessly with the Golden Globes this year.  The shitty part is that I have seen next to none of these films, and with my school schedule, I don't have high hopes of seeing many more.  Obviously, I will continue to try my hardest to get some reviews out there and I appreciate everyone being patient with me during this time.

Best Picture
Arrival
Fences
Hacksaw Ridge
Hell or High Water
Hidden Figures
La La Land
Lion
Manchester by the Sea
Moonlight

Best Director
Arrival - Denis Villenueve
Hacksaw Ridge - Mel Gibson
La La Land - Damien Chazelle
Manchester by the Sea - Kenneth Lonergan
Moonlight - Barry Jenkins

Best Actor
Casey Affleck - Manchester by the Sea
Andrew Garfield - Hacksaw Ridge
Ryan Gosling - La La Land
Viggo Mortensen - Captain Fantastic
Denzel Washington - Fences

Best Actress
Isabelle Huppert - Elle
Ruth Negga - Loving
Emma Stone - La La Land
Natalie Portman - Jackie
Meryl Streep - Florence Foster Jenkins

Best Supporting Actor
Mahershala Ali - Moonlight
Jeff Bridges - Hell or High Water
Lucas Hedges - Manchester by the Sea
Dev Patel - Lion
Michael Shannon - Nocturnal Animals

Best Supporting Actress
Viola Davis - Fences
Naomie Harris - Moonlight
Nicole Kidman - Lion
Octavia Spencer - Hidden Figures
Michelle Williams - Manchester by the Sea

Best Original Screenplay
Hell or High Water
La La Land
The Lobster
Manchester by the Sea
20th Century Women

Best Adapted Screenplay
Arrival
Fences
Hidden Figures
Lion
Moonlight

Best Cinematography
Arrival
La La Land
Lion
Moonlight
Silence

Best Documentary
Fire at Sea
I am Not Your Negro
Life, Animated
O.J.: Made in America
The 13th

Best Foreign Language Film
Land of Mine - Denmark
A Man Called Ove - Sweden
The Salesman - Iran
Tanna - Australia
Toni Erdmann - Germany

Best Costume Design
Allied
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Florence Foster Jenkins
Jackie
La La Land

Best Original Score
Jackie
La La Land
Lion
Moonlight
Passengers

Best Original Song
"Audition" - La La Land
"Can't Stop the Feeling!" - Trolls
"City of Stars" - La La Land
"The Empty Chair"  - Jim: The James Foley Story
"How Far I'll Go" - Moana

Best Sound Editing
Arrival
Deepwater Horizon
Hacksaw Ridge
La La Land
Sully

Best Sound Mixing
Arrival
Hacksaw Ridge
La La Land
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
13 Hours

Best Documentary Short
4.1 Miles
Extremis
Joe's Violin
Watani: My Homeland
The White Helmets

Best Production Design
Arrival
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Hail Caesar
La La Land
Passengers

Best Animated Feature
Kubo and the Two Strings
Moana
My Life as a Zucchini
The Red Turtle
Zootopia

Best Animated Short
Blind Vaysha
Borrowed Time
Pear Cider and Cigarettes
Pearl
Piper

Best Film Editing
Arrival
Hacksaw Ridge
Hell or High Water
La La Land
Moonlight

Best Visual Effects
Deepwater Horizon
Doctor Strange
The Jungle Book
Kubo and the Two Strings
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Best Makeup and Hair
A Man Called Ove
Star Trek Beyond
Suicide Squad

Best Live-Action Short
Ennemis Interieurs
La Femme et la TGV
Silent Nights
Sing
Timecode

The Jungle Book (1967)

  I haven't seen the new live-action remake.  I'm intrigued by the idea but I just don't see how it's possible to capture the spirit and liveliness of the original.

Mowgli (Bruce Reitherman) has been raised in the jungle by a wolf pack from the time he was an infant.  When the decision is made to reintroduce him to humans, Mowgli is not in favor.  Bagheera the panther (Sebastian Cabot) tries to reason with him, but Mowgli much prefers to hang out with Baloo the bear (Phil Harris).  Bagheera is just trying to keep Mowgli from coming to the notice of Shere Khan the tiger (George Sanders), who hates men and would cheerfully eat the boy.

This is a classic for a reason.  There's an undefinable quality to it that just endures through the decades.  You shouldn't need to be urged to see it; you should already own it.

End of Year 2015

Well, another year has come and gone.  It was not a great year for me and the movies.  I only saw 15 new releases this whole year.  15 out of 221.  Then again, 221 movies in a year isn't terrible.  It's not my record, which is 287 in a year (2013) but I was unemployed for part of that and had nothing else to do.  But you probably don't care about any of that anyway.  Let's get to some movies!

10.  Mockingjay, Part 2 -- I was just really disappointed in this film.  I think it was a bad idea to split it into two parts.  Fully half of the movie is denouement and it just drags.  Not a good way to end a series.  If I had seen more movies, this might not have even made my top 10.

9.  Mission Impossible:  Rogue Nation -- I'm a little surprised this wasn't higher on the list but this year had too many good action movies.  I had to be really nit-picky.

8.  Kingsman:  The Secret Service -- This movie was a blast from start to finish and a welcome entry from the early part of the year.

7.  Pitch Perfect 2 -- Don't get me wrong, I love my Bellas.  Everything from here up was painful to rank.

6.  Ant-Man --  I didn't have high expectations for this movie and that may have been what made it so enjoyable.

5.  Inside Out -- Pixar's entry this year showed surprising depth and subtlety.

4.  Spectre -- It kills me this is so low.  I loved this movie.

3.  The Avengers:  Age of Ultron -- I thought for sure this was going to be my number one but when I was looking at them, I just couldn't do it.  I'm sorry, Quicksilver.

2.  Jurassic World -- I really loved this movie.  I had such a good time watching it and I feel like it's a worthy successor to the franchise.

1.  Mad Max:  Fury Road -- I had dreams about this movie.  It was amazing and weird and disgusting and balls out crazy with just enough of the sublime to render it as art.

So there you have it.  Comments and arguments are welcome.

And now, let's look ahead to what's coming in 2016.

Kung Fu Panda 3 got a release date!  Here's hoping that it continues the spirit of excellence it had in the second film.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is a real thing.  But it's coming out in February, which means it'll probably suck.

Deadpool already has my money.  Ryan Reynolds was born to play this role.

The live-action Jungle Book is coming out in March.  I don't know how I feel about that.

I've avoided trailers for Captain America:  Civil War.  I already know I'm going to see it and I want every frame to be as fresh as possible.

Alice Through the Looking Glass could be good.  I enjoyed Alice in Wonderland more than I thought I would.

Of course I'm going to see X-Men:  Apocalypse.

I didn't even know there was going to be a sequel to The Conjuring.  But apparently, The Conjuring 2: The Enfield Poltergeist is a thing.

I'll probably see Finding Dory but I don't have high expectations.

Ugh.  I don't know how I feel about Star Trek Beyond.

Suicide Squad.  Yes, yes, yes.

They remade Pete's Dragon.  Right in the childhood.

They also remade The Magnificent Seven and I have no idea why.

Doctor Strange is coming in November.

Moana looks really cool.  It'll be nice to see Disney do something Polynesian.

Assassin's Creed is a video game adaptation and those typically do not do well.  This one has Michael Fassbender in it, however, and that's a huge endorsement.

Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children is coming out on Christmas Day.  I haven't read the books but they come highly recommended.

Chuck Jones' Collection part two

A Cricket in Times Square is about Chester, a country cricket, is accidentally transported to New York City in a picnic basket.  There, he befriends Tucker, a mouse; Harry, a cat; and Mario, a newsboy.  Mario's newsstand only sells music magazines and is dangerously close to closing for good until Chester discovers that he has the ability to mimic any song he's heard.  Suddenly, the humble cricket is the toast of the subway station.

This is the first story in the collection to be based on something other than Kipling's Jungle Book stories.  I had never heard of it before, but it is apparently one of the world's best children's books, authored by George Seldon.

   This was a highly irritating cartoon that takes the characters from the first cricket film and drops them in the American Revolution.  If I never hear the song Yankee Doodle Dandy again, it will be too soon.

  A Very Merry Cricket wasn't nearly as annoying as Yankee Doodle Cricket.  Tucker the mouse and Harry the cat are saddened by the lack of Christmas spirit among their fellow New Yorkers so they travel to Connecticut to convince their friend Chester to come back and use his music to bring some holiday cheer.

Of the entire collection, I found two-thirds to be well worth watching, with only a pair of real duds.