Night Watch (2005)

  I saw part of this one a long time ago and had no idea what was going on in it.  I swear, if you miss the first ten minutes of a movie you might as well not even bother with the rest of it.  It came in the mail the other day and makes absolutely perfect sense now.

Okay, there are humans and there are Others.  Others can do any number of neat tricks, like shapeshift or see the future and they come in two flavors:  Light and Dark.  The Light Others comprise the Night Watch and the Dark Others are the Day Watch, which is slightly counterintuitive.  Anton (Konstantin Khabenskiy) is a seer for the Night Watch who starts out by tracking a vampire hairdresser for unsanctioned feeding.  He finds out that a woman he bumped into on the subway is actually a catalyst for the final battle between the Light and the Dark.  He has to figure out who cursed her in order to prevent the end of the world and also keep the boy he saved from the vampire, Yegor (Dmitriy Martynov), from getting killed by the vampire's pissed off girlfriend and the forces of evil.

I have the sequel, Day Watch, in my queue already but I don't know when or if the third one is getting made.  I guess Bekmambetov is a little busy with Abraham Lincoln:  Vampire Hunter and the Wanted sequel at the moment.  Too bad, though, if Day Watch is as good as the first one.

One of my favorite things that he does is really organic-looking subtitles.  A lot of times with foreign films, it seems like the subtitles are added in afterwards by a completely separate crew which can be annoying if they're not adept at the language.  You get weird phrasing or short-cuts and it just takes you out of the movie.  Not this one.  From the font to the pacing and even the attribution, it flows almost like a comic book.

Also, just finished season 4 of Scrubs and also Band of Brothers, courtesy of Rob.  I really wasn't looking forward to the mini-series (you know how I feel about war movies) but it was incredibly well done.  I'll never watch it again, that's how well done.  Especially the episode where they liberate a concentration camp.  Jesus.  Did the casting director just bribe an Anorexia Convention to show up?  Not pleasant.  Granted, that's the point but I am not one of those people that likes to punish myself with crimes against humanity.  So, like I said, great series.  Never watching again.

Shutter Island (2010)

  I was really expecting more from this movie.  Or at least something I haven't seen a bunch of times already.  Last year, it seemed like this movie was on the tip of everyone's tongue but I'm not really sure way.  Maybe because DiCaprio was on fire that year?  Maybe because it's a Scorsese movie?  I don't know.

I've mentioned previously that the nature of reality is something that has always fascinated me.  Mental illness dovetails into that nicely since it begs the question of how do you know if something is real?  Your brain controls everything you see, hear, and understand.  If that goes on the fritz, would you know?  How would you deal with it?  I don't think any movie has presented this so well as The Matrix did back in 1999.  This one is aiming for that echelon of movies like Donnie Darko, Inception, and even One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest but winds up more like SuckerPunch than anything else.

Teddy Daniels (Leonardo DiCaprio) is a U.S. Marshal sent to investigate the disappearance of a woman from her locked cell in the Ashecliffe Hospital for the Criminally Insane on Shutter Island.  Rachel Solondo (Emily Mortimer) drowned her three children in the lake behind her home, was sentenced to Ashcliffe, and then disappeared.  Teddy and his partner Chuck (Mark Ruffalo) get nothing but lies from the staff, led by Doctor Cawley (Ben Kingsley).  Teddy also has a hidden agenda of trying to find the arsonist (Elias Koteas) who killed his wife (Michelle Williams).  Once at the facility, he begins having visions and flashbacks to his worst memories.  The investigation slowly spins away from him as he devolves into a mental web of repressed issues.

I do think that Jackie Earle Haley is particularly good, especially since he only has about 10 seconds of screen time.  I really hope he gets more roles.  Michelle Williams also did a stand-out job as the dead wife.  Honestly, they're not enough to get me to ever watch this movie again.  It's a decent rental or, if you want, catch it on cable but don't feel bad if you missed it.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

  I'm just going to come out and say it.

Zombie Strippers was a lot more political than I thought it would be.  Now, I don't give a shit about politics so don't look at this as a recommendation or a judgment.  I'm just saying that the movie has a decidedly Left bias.  Which is surprising because it's about strippers who turn into zombies.

Ok.  A biological weapon that can reanimate dead flesh is created in Nebraska.  Due to the weapon's manipulation of the X chromosome, woman-to-woman contact results in a more pure form than woman-to-man or man-to-man.  I.E. female zombies who can still retain brain function but still hunger for the flesh of the living.  A team of soldiers is brought in to the weapons facility to keep it from getting out.  One of the team gets bitten and runs to the nearest place to hide, an illegal strip club.  Kat (Jenna Jameson) is the star dancer and kind of a bitch until the soldier rips out her throat.  Then she's a zombie bitch.  And somehow a much better stripper.  Soon, the other girls are divided between retaining their humanity or getting bigger tips.

Honestly, I was just expecting a zombie comedy with boobs.  Instead there are a lot of discussions about existentialism, fear as a tool of governance, and even gender roles.  I might have to buy this one just so I can watch it again and find out what the hell people are talking about most of the time.

Apparently, this is making the rounds of late-night cable so you might actually get to see it for free.  I'm not saying don't watch it, I'm just saying forewarned is forearmed.

Ichi (2008)

  This is yet another take on the long-running Zatoichi property.  This one is about a goze (Japanese for 'blind woman', traditionally musicians) searching for a blind swordsman who may or may not have been her father.

Ichi (Haruka Ayase) was cast out of her goze guild for losing her virginity, even though it wasn't consensual.  She runs into a samurai (Takao Osawa) who is unmatched on the practice field...but can't actually draw his katana in combat.  Ichi whips some ass with her cane sword and the samurai gets the credit.  Unfortunately, the ass that was whipped belonged to a bandit named Banki (Shido Nakamura).  Banki has a hold on an inn town and is also missing an eye, courtesy of a blind swordsman.

It's a decent "girl" version of the story, which can't be said of most.  Worth the rental.

Say Anything (1989)

  This is supposedly a classic 80's film.  I don't know about that.  The only reason I own it is because I love, love, love John Cusack.  This is not one of my favorite films he is in, however.  Technically, I skipped over this one to start watching Scrubs (on the fourth season now) but I went back to it because Rob had never seen it before.

He didn't hate it.  I think he was expecting it to be something else, though.  I know I was the first time I saw it.  See, it suckers you into thinking that Lloyd Dobbler (John Cusack) is the star of the movie.  He's not.  The plot actually revolves around Diane Court (Ione Skye).  She gets a fellowship to study in England and starts dating Lloyd the summer before she goes.  Fearing things are getting too intense between them she dumps him, leading to the most famous scene out of the movie.  Her dad (John Mahoney) meanwhile, is under investigation for defrauding the residents of the nursing home he manages.

Somehow this is all supposed to be romantic.  Don't get me wrong, Lloyd is a great guy.  And there's something appealing about the idea of making the person you're dating your number one priority, ahead of a career or family or anything.  The idea, anyway.  In practice, it sounds like a recipe for dying alone, miserable and hating everything around you.  People just aren't that good.  Not even in high school.  Maybe especially not in high school.

Anyway, people have determined that this is a romantic classic and who am I to tell them differently?  It's an okay movie.  Probably better as nostalgia than coming to it now.

Bottle Shock (2008)

  This is one of the rare occurrences where I have actually heard of the event before seeing the 'based on a true story' movie.  I came to wine tasting late in the game but I've always been a snob in one form or another.  I read about the "Judgment of Paris" a few years back and thought it was interesting as an upset.  My mother and Rob both recommended the film to me.

The year is 1976.  Steven Spurrier (Alan Rickman) is a British man living in Paris, trying to break into the clique of the Parisian wine tasters.  He comes up with the idea of blind testing Californian wines against classic French ones to prove the superiority of the Old World vintages.  He goes to California first-hand in order to select the best of the best.  The vineyard of Chateau Montelena in Napa Valley is owned by Jim Barrett (Bill Pullman) and his son Bo (Chris Pine).  Bill has had it with the wine-making business and is ready to just throw in the towel, but Bo convinces him to let Spurrier check out all the local places.  He chooses 13 pairs of bottles to compete against the French.  Bo is chosen to go to Paris and represent the Napa wineries.  The rest, as they say, is history.

It is an entertaining story on its own merits and is portrayed with lively enthusiasm by the cast.  It lags in places, I won't deny, but it is a fun movie and well worth a rental.

My Name is Bruce (2007)

  I have to say, I love me some Bruce Campbell.  I have his auto-biography If Chins Could Kill, I've got the entire series of The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr. on DVD, and he's one of the main reasons I watch Burn Notice.  Hell, I've even seen Alien Apocalypse.  I like him because he has always embraced his B-movie-star status and never comes across as one of those people who are bitter that they're not Tom Hanks.

For example, this is a film spoofing his entire career.  Not only does he play himself, he directed it.  That's awesome.

Bruce Campbell (Bruce Campbell) is a boozy, bitter, B-movie actor stuck making lame-ass sequels to already lame-ass movies like "Cave Alien" when he gets kidnapped by a superfan named Jeff (Taylor Sharpe).  Jeff and some friends were goofing off in a local cemetery when they accidentally unleash Guan-Di, the demon guarding the souls of Chinese workers killed in a mine collapse.  The townspeople hope Bruce Campbell can save them from the demon but Bruce thinks it's a joke his agent (Ted Raimi) set up.

Think Galaxy Quest only with a demon instead of aliens and Bruce Campbell instead of Tim Allen.

This really is just a tribute to the fans.  If you're not a Campbellite, you'll probably want to steer clear.  If, however, you can quote the entirety of Army of Darkness you'll be right at home.

Now, gimme some sugar, baby.

Babylon A.D. (2008)

  This movie didn't suck as much as I had heard it would.  I expected it to be a bit more sci-fi, though.  You can barely tell it's supposed to be set in a dystopian future until one of the characters mentions that bengal tigers went extinct in 2017.  Which may still turn out to be true, sadly.

Anyway, it is a dystopian future and Toorop (Vin Diesel with the worst character name ever) is a mercenary badass and a pretty decent cook.  He gets hired by a guy named Gorsky (Gerard Depardieu, slumming it) to escort a woman from a convent in Mongolia to New York City.  The woman turns out to be more of a girl named Aurora (Melanie Thierry) who comes with a minder named Sister Rebeka (Michelle Yeoh).  Sister Rebeka has a lot of rules like "don't talk to the girl", "don't let other people talk to the girl", and "no cussing".  This is because Aurora has been raised in the convent her entire life and has no experience dealing with people.  That immediately goes out the window the first time they have to get through a mob of people in Russia.  Weird crap keeps happening around the girl the entire trip and Toorop starts to question the wisdom in completing their journey.

The version I was watching wasn't a very good copy so the action scenes were grainy but I could tell they hadn't been filmed to be that way.  I don't know how many of you out there have watched streaming stuff on HD TVs, but if so, you know what I'm talking about.  I would actually recommend getting it as a blu-ray if you're at all interested because the action scenes were pretty decent.  The Big Reveal at the end is kind of a let-down and pretty rushed to boot but, overall, it's not a bad action flick.

I Sell the Dead (2008)

  This is a cute little movie.  I wouldn't put it on par with good horror comedies like Shaun of the Dead or Slither but it's a fun little zombie film.

Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan) is a grave robber on his last night before the guillotine.  A priest (Ron Perlman) asks him how he came to be started on a life of crime and off we go.  Apprenticed at a young age to a professional grave robber (Larry Fessenden), Arthur learns the tricks of the trade.  One day the two dig up a body buried at a crossroads with a necklace of garlic and a stake through its heart. This is their first encounter with the undead.  They soon learn that there is much more money to be made trafficking living dead rather than just regular dead, but there are more dangers too.  Specifically, a rival outfit called the House of Murphy, led by a psychotic bastard named Cornelius Murphy (John Speredakos) and his crew of freaks.

It was produced by IFC, so it might be a little hard to find unless you look for it specifically.  Netflix has it and probably Amazon, though I wouldn't recommend buying it unless you absolutely had to.

In related news (not really), I just started season 3 of Scrubs from my personal collection.  I love me some Scrubs and I have six seasons so that's going to take awhile.  I tried to watch Farscape on streaming but it just didn't grab me.  I made it through about two and a half episodes before I just junked it.  I fared a little better with Arrested Development, which Rob owns.  I wasn't laughing out loud but I found it entertaining.

Arthur and the Invisibles (2006)

  Rob has a lot of weird crap on his server.  I swear he hasn't even seen most of it and I have no idea why he owns it.  Granted, he'll get stuff for me sometimes which I totally appreciate and would never abuse, ahem.

Anyway, this is one of the more random selections.  A little boy named Arthur (Freddie Highmore) must find a way to save his grandparents' farm.  His grandfather had spent a great deal of time in Africa as an engineer and kept a journal full of his adventures.  He disappeared three years prior to the events of this story.  While reading the journal and looking for clues to stop the repossession of the farm, Arthur finds references to a kingdom of tiny, tiny people called the Minimoys and a gift of rubies that a tribe had given his grandfather.  Determined to find the rubies, Arthur deciphers the codes and gets himself transported down to the Minimoy world.  He finds the Princess Selenia (Madonna, although I would have been prepared to swear that she was voiced by Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and her people in fear of a creature called Maltazard or Evil M.  M (David Bowie) rules one of the seven kingdoms from the city of Necropolis and that's where the rubies are.  Selenia, Arthur, and her little brother Betameche (Jimmy Fallon) travel there in order to prevent Evil M from flooding the Minimoy's kingdom.

I was a little stunned at the amount of voice talent in a movie that I had never even heard of.  Besides the ones mentioned, there are appearances from Robert De Niro, Harvey Keitel, Emilio Estevez, Snoop Dogg, Anthony Anderson, Jason Bateman, and Chazz Palminteri.  About a third of the movie is live-action and the rest is CGI.  It's set in Connecticut around the Great Depression and no one in the cast is English except for Freddie Highmore.  They have a throwaway line about him being at boarding school in England, which is retarded since the whole point of the movie is that the family is about to be evicted, but it's for kids so I'll let it go.  Highmore is a decent child actor, even if he was fourteen and not ten when this was filmed.

I'll let that sink in for a minute.  Freddie Highmore is going to be 20 next year.  The Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kid.  I'm going to go kill myself now.
Anyway, the movie isn't a total waste of time.  Worthwhile if you have kids, otherwise interesting for a single viewing.

The Killer (1989)

  Now this is a John Woo movie.  No silly attempts at comedy, just lots of jumping through the air firing two guns at the same time while white doves flutter in slow motion.  Like God intended.

Ah Jong (Chow Yun Fat) is an assassin for the Triads.  During a gig, he accidentally catches a lounge singer (Sally Yeh) with a muzzle flare and blinds her in one eye.  Wracked with guilt, he decides to get out of the game once and for all and takes One Last Job in order to pay for Jennie's eye surgery.  Unfortunately, a cop (Danny Lee) is after him and the Triad boss (Fui-On Shing) also wants him dead.

There are a couple of decent car chases and a truly badass shoot-out at the end but the effects are pretty crap.  It's like most of the squibs (those are the things that simulate gunshots) were mis-timed and the blood doesn't look right.  Still, totally worth watching.  Hard Boiled is still my favorite but I have a lot of respect for this one as well.

The Lady Vanishes (1938)

  I've always been a Hitchcock girl.  My mother raised me on movies from the 40's and 50's and I probably saw most of his films by the time I was 10.  This is one of the few that fell between the cracks.  It's been remade a couple of times; once in 1979 starring Cybil Shepherd and then loosely again in 2005 as Flightplan.

Iris Henderson (Margaret Lockwood) is a young debutante having a good time on vacation in Bundrika, an Eastern European country, before returning to England to get married.  An avalanche has delayed the train until the next day and she meets Ms. Froy (Mae Whitty), a governess also returning home to England.  At the station, Iris gets hit on the head by a falling flowerpot and Ms. Froy takes care of her on the train.  Iris takes a short nap and wakes to find that Ms. Froy is gone.  Worse, no one else claims to have seen the lady.  Incensed at the implication she made up the old lady, Iris gets Gilbert (Michael Redgrave) to help her search.  Things go from improbable to bizarre as the passengers continue to deny Ms. Froy ever existed, for their own reasons.  Iris and Gilbert have to unravel the conspiracy if they want to save Ms. Froy and their own lives.

It's a Hitchcock film, so the suspense is top-notch.  Some of the initial interactions between Iris and Gilbert feel a little forced, but once the action starts things even out.  Old Alfred may have had questionable methods but you can't argue with his results.

The Saint (1997)

  I love this movie.  I used to watch it way more often until I kind of burned myself out on it.  Remember the late 90's when Val Kilmer was hot?  God those were good times.

Simon Templar (Val Kilmer) is a master thief with a thousand disguises, all named for Catholic saints.  He is hired by a Russian billionaire (Rade Serbedzija) to steal the formula for cold fusion from a pretty scientist named Dr. Emma Russell (Elizabeth Shue).  Dr. Russell manages to charm Simon from his cold ways and he takes her side to try and keep her from getting killed before she can finish the formula.

In '97, I was a sophomore in high school.  I was not aware that this was an American remake of a 60's British TV character played by Roger Moore.  In fact, I only became aware of this fact on Saturday when I watched the movie and noticed Roger Moore's name in the credits.  A little nod to the original from the filmmakers.  I don't know that I could go back and watch the TV series after having loved the movie since I'm fairly certain I would only be disappointed and judge it way too harshly.  You, since you're presumably nicer than I am, are free to Netflix it and tell me how many other little Easter eggs there are.

51 (2011)

  I don't know why Rob has a shitty SyFy Original movie on his server.  I don't even know if this is the right poster for it.  I watched it while he was at work and asked him about it when he got home.  Specifically, I asked him why he had such a shitty SyFy Original movie on his server.  He laughed hysterically and told me that he'd never watched it.  He just downloaded it because it was there.  That's my boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen:  the digital hoarder.  He said now he's just going to start downloading random crap and turn his server into a movie minefield.

I can't even find it on the SyFy website.  It's like this movie doesn't even exist.  But I saw it!  I swear I did.

Okay, I was starting to freak out for a minute but IMDb came through for me again.  I had to search for it using one of the actors instead of by name.  Jeez.  And that is indeed the correct poster.

So, a couple of journalists get the chance to visit Area 51, against the better judgment of the commanding officer, Col. Martin (Bruce Boxleitner).  They're only supposed to see enough to get them to shut up about there being a government coverup about aliens.  Thing is, there totally are aliens and one known as Patient Zero (Jed Maheu) decides to bust out.  He can mimic anybody he's touched so he kills a doctor and sets the other aliens free.  They start killing everyone.

It's not as bad acting-wise as many of the SyFy movies, but the effects are cheesy and the plot is dumb. If you're awake at 3 a.m. and it's on, knock yourself out.  Otherwise, don't bother.

Once a Thief (1991)

  I have decided that John Woo is the Asian Michael Bay.  Also, Chow Yun Fat should never do comedies.  Not ever.  I have no doubt that as a person he's the life of the party, but for God's sake, let him be dignified on film.  This was just painful. 

Joey (Chow Yun Fat), Jim (Leslie Cheung), and Cherie (Cherie Chung) are three kids raised to be thieves by a total asshole (Kenneth Tsang).  They enjoy their work, but Cherie wants to go straight.  The boys, however, decide to take One Last Job stealing a painting from a French mansion.

The internet has completely failed to provide me either the name of this painting or a decent screenshot.  It's a shame, really, because I actually really liked the painting.

Anyway, it's supposedly cursed and, sure enough, everything starts to go wrong as they try and escape with it and Joey ends up blown up.  Jim starts dating Cherie and they start putting their life back together.  Then Joey shows back up in a wheelchair.  Despite his handicap, he still wants to help Jim pull off a job to get back at their asshole mentor, who was the one who set them up in the first place.

This isn't exactly what I was expecting when I read "John Woo" and "action caper" on the back of the Netflix sleeve.  The comedy is very slapstick and Chow Yun Fat does his best to act like Jim Carrey which is precisely as painful as it sounds.  Also, the movie is filmed in a bizarre mix of English, French, and Cantonese and no one's mouth really matches their dialogue which means that it was probably filmed and then the actors came in and re-dubbed their lines.  I hate that.

Ruthless People (1986)

  This movie is such a classic.  I remember seeing it when I was a kid and laughing my ass off.  I was worried this was going to be another relic of the 80's but it's still good today. 

Tim and Sandy Kessler (Judge Reinhold and Helen Slater) get cheated by slimy businessman Sam Stone (Danny DeVito) so they kidnap his wife Barbara (Bette Midler).  Unfortunately, Sam was already planning on killing Barbara for her money so a kidnapping is music to his ears.  He does everything he can to try and get the Kesslers to cap Barbara.  Sam's mistress (Anita Morris) tells her lover (Bill Pullman, rocking the Miami Vice look) to film Sam killing Barbara, since that was the original plan, but the boyfriend accidentally tapes some guy (William G. Schilling) schtupping a prostitute instead.  Also, there's a serial murderer on the loose called The Bedroom Killer (J. E. Freeman).  All of this comes together in a classically 80's madcap fashion.

I'm a big Bette Midler movie fan and this is the one that started that ball rolling.  There are very few full-on comedies I like but this one makes the grade.  I tried to find it for years and only recently got it as a double feature with Down and Out in L.A., a movie I've never seen.  Eventually, I'll get back around to the D's and see if it's as good as Ruthless People.  Until then, I'm going to bask in the happy glow that comes with finally getting your hands on something you've wanted forever.

Apollo 13 (1995)

  I think I might be the last human being to have seen this movie.  Just in case I'm not, it's based on the real incident involving three astronauts during the Apollo 13 attempted moon landing in April, 1969.

Jim Lovell (Tom Hanks), Fred Haise (Bill Paxton), and Ken Mattingly (Gary Sinise) are told that they will be crewing the 13th Apollo mission.  From the beginning, things go wrong.  The flight plans are moved up, they have problems in training; just little glitches all over the place.  At the last minute, Ken is told he has the measles and is pulled. The back-up guy is Jack Swigert (Kevin Bacon), a good pilot but not the one they've been training with.  Still, the launch goes according to plan and the astronauts head for the moon.  Of course, as soon as they relax everything goes wrong.  A routine oxygen circulation causes a faulty part in the tank to explode, leaking their oxygen into space.  They're forced to use the Lunar Module as basically a life raft and shut down all extraneous equipment.  Ground Control, led by Gene Kranz (Ed Harris) has to scramble to find ways to keep the three of them alive and bring them back to Earth safely.

See, stuff like this is the #1 reason I will never go into space.  If the Earth was about to be destroyed a la Knowing, I would have to seriously consider staying behind rather than getting on a freaking Space Shuttle.  I would eventually do it, because I have an extremely strong self-preservation instinct, but it would give me pause.

That being said, this is still a really good movie.  It seems accurate in terms of how tense a situation it must have been and how hard for the family members, feeling so helpless.  For that reason, it gets a little hard to watch sometimes because I hate feelings but I'm sure you normal people will be just fine.

The Devil's Backbone (2001)

"El Espinazo del Diablo"

  This is a Spanish horror film by Guillermo Del Toro, his third feature.  The effects are really quite good and subtle, by Del Toro standards.  He is one of the masters of seamless CGI.  The story is decent, a haunted orphanage set during the Spanish Civil War, and it's refreshing that it doesn't try and sucker you or trick you in any way.  The bad guy is definitely the guy you immediately assume he is.

It's 1939 and young Carlos (Fernando Tielve) has been taken to an orphanage for his safety.  He doesn't know it, but his father has died during the Civil War.  The head mistress Carmen (Marisa Paredes) is a leftist sympathizer and has a cache of gold ingots hidden in a safe.  Jacinto (Eduardo Noriega), the handyman, keeps trying to break into the safe so he can steal the gold and run away to Granada.  Carlos tries to make friends with the other boys, except for Jaime (Inigo Garces), the bully.  He doesn't know until later that the bed assigned to him used to belong to Jaime's friend Santi (Junio Valverde) who disappeared.  But Carlos doesn't think Santi ran away.  He's pretty sure that the missing boy is also "he who sighs", a ghost haunting the basement reservoir.  Carlos has to figure out exactly how all the threads entwine so he can bring the spirit closure.

Like I said, it's a decent ghost story.  The effects for Santi are really great, some of the most interesting I've seen as far as subtly off-putting.  There were very few outright scares; it's much more dependent on atmosphere.  I would put it in the same category as The Others.  Not better, but on par.

Ronin (1998)

  I always forget what this movie is about.  Then I watch it again and I'm like "Oh, yeah, this movie is awesome!"  It's got a great cast, it's suspenseful, and the car chases are boss. I have no idea why it has absolutely zero recall for me.

Sam, an ex-CIA agent (Rober DeNiro), is hired as part of a team (Jean Reno, Sean Bean, Stellan Skarsgaard and Skipp Sudduth).  Their mission is to steal a silver case from a group of men before it can be sold. Their leader is an Irish woman named Dierdre (Natascha McElhone) who is pretty skimpy on the details.  They don't know what's in the case and they don't know who's pulling the strings.  But, when shit gets real and the team gets burned, Sam has to figure out who's really behind everything.

If you've never seen this movie, do yourself a favor and buy it immediately.  Hopefully, you won't get amnesia every time you see it like I do.

Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)

Nominated for Best Sound Mixing, Best Sound Editing and Best Visual Effects 

  I don't even know where to begin.  Yes, I do.  Christy picked this one. You'll notice from the tags that I watched Rob's copy rather than sully my Netflix queue with it.  I have never liked the Transformers in any incarnation.  I was a My Little Pony and She-Ra kind of girl as a kid so I never watched the cartoons.  I saw the first movie in theaters when it came out and swore I'd never spend that kind of money on that kind of garbage again.  Just a few months before I started this blog, I signed up for Netflix and the very first two movies I ever got were G.I. Joe:  The Rise of Cobra and Transformers:  Revenge of the Fallen.  Two of my co-workers were arguing over which one was a better movie and I was enlisted to make a decision.  I thought they both sucked pretty badly but I gave the ribbon to Joe because a) Joseph Gordon Levitt and b) at least it had real humans.  On my best day, I can barely muster up enough empathy for my fellow man to not get hunted down by the FBI.  Do not ask me to pretend to give a shit about robots from outer space.

This is the point where my cousin's eyes get huge and start swimming with tears so let me soften the blow by saying that I do think that this is definitely the best of the three as far as having a plot.  They also made the robots different colors which made it way easier to tell them apart.  They got rid of Megan Fox and at least got a girl who can be trusted to say more than three lines and pout.  Not that Ms. Victoria's Secret is the next Meryl Streep but at least she didn't make me want to drill a hole in my forehead like Toe Thumbs did.  I'm running out of praise here.  Oh, there are lots of pretty cars.

Sam (Shia LaBeouf) has a medal from the President and a smokin' hot new British girlfriend (Rosie Huntington-Whitely) but what he doesn't have is a job.  Or a car, since his friend Bumblebee and the rest of the Autobots are part of a top-secret black ops team run by Lennox (Josh Duhamel, God love him.  At least he's working).  Then word gets out about a secret mission NASA flew during the first moon landing, where they found a lost Autobot ship that had crashed there.  All the people who were involved with anything to do with that mission or anything after that have been eliminated by the Decepticons.  When one of the last few gets killed right in front of Sam, he knows he has to do something.  The Autobots decide to go to the moon and revive the guy who was piloting the crashed ship:  Sentinel Prime (Leonard Nimoy.  Seriously).  From there it's basically a huge wave of explosions and shouting and robots fighting.  Thank God one of Rob's speakers has been going in and out lately because it probably kept me from going deaf.

If you're already a fan of the series, nothing I say here is going to convince you otherwise.  If you're not a fan, then you weren't going to see it anyway.  Because you have good taste.

The Messenger (2009)

Nominated for:  Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay

  This turned out to be better than I thought it would be.  On a semi-related note, I can't believe it's been almost two years since I put this in my queue as part of the 2010 Oscar Nominations.  Jeebus.  It wasn't even at the top of the DVD list, either, just the top of my Instant.  It was number 16 on the DVDs.

So, yeah, not as bad as I thought it would be.  I'm fairly critical of movies that depict the Army, seeing as how I was in the Army, and even more so of how veterans are portrayed.

SSG Will Montgomery (Ben Foster) is a soldier recovering from wounds incurred from a roadside bomb in Afghanistan with 3 months left on his contract when he is assigned to the Casualty Notification Team under CPT Stone (Woody Harrelson).  These are the representatives of the Army who go to the next of kin and inform them of their loved one's death.  There are a lot of shitty jobs in the Army.  This is one of them.  People react differently to death, sometimes violently, and it's the Notification Team's job to convey the information calmly and with sympathy but not get emotionally involved.  Montgomery finds the line of involvement blurring when he gives a notification to a woman (Samantha Morton) and then starts dating her.

It's a good script.  Some of the scenes which seems a little pointless are accurate representations of the pointlessness of most of our activities.  It's real because it's meaningless.  The violence, the alcoholism, the inability to really connect with people after deployment, it's all there.  I don't say this often, but it's a story that should be told.

Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1990)

  I hated this movie so much.  When I heard it referenced on Indie Sex, I thought "oh, hell yeah.  A young, hot Antonio Banderas in an NC-17 movie about bondage?  Where do I sign up?"  This movie was awful.  AW-FUL.  And I have no idea why it's NC-17.  There is 1 (one) sex scene and you can't even see anything.  The sex scene in Desperado was way hotter.  The main chick gets naked in a bathtub for about 20 seconds.  I've seen longer in shampoo commercials so that's not it.  Is it because they show an old guy watching her in a porno?  Ok, she's obviously simulating masturbation but, again, you can't see anything.

This is billed as a sex comedy.  You tell me if you find anything funny in the synopsis I'm about to write and I'll personally pay for you to go to therapy, you sick bastard.

Ricky (Antonio Banderas) gets released from his court-mandated stint in a mental institution and immediately steals the keys of former-porn-actress-and-heroin-junkie-turned-legit actress Marina (Victoria Abril) from the set of her last movie.  He busts into her apartment, knocks her out, and proceeds to keep her tied up and a neighbor's apartment (he's on vacation), threatening to kill her and then himself if she tries to escape.  His aim in all of this?  To make her love him.  Because she totally would if she just gave him a chance.  He gets his ass kicked by some drug dealers after he tries scoring some heroin for her toothache and she cleans him up.  Then they have sex.  Her sister (Loles Leon) comes in to water the plants and helps her escape.  Then she realizes that she really does love Ricky, her kidnapper, and goes to find him.

Now, I have been hit on by some creepy dudes.  I've never been legitimately stalked, but I've had people push that line.  It's not cute.  It's not funny.  At best, it's pathetic.  At worst, it makes me think about booby-trapping my apartment Home Alone style.  Maybe if the actress didn't actually look like she was fucking terrified for her life, it would be funny.  This is definitely a case of being too good at your job.

Romeo Must Die (2000)

Happy Veteran's Day!

  Another one from my Jet Li collection.  Not one of his best films, plot or action-wise, but I forgive him.

Han (Jet Li) was rotting in a Chinese prison when he got word that his little brother was killed.  He immediately breaks out (best part of the movie, hands down) and gets to California, where he finds that his father is a gangster controlling half of the Oakland waterfront.  The other half belongs to Isaak O'Day (Delroy Lindo) and his gang.  The two are competing for properties in order to buy an NFL franchise.  O'Day's daughter Trish (Aaliyah) is not in the family business but gets roped in after her brother is also killed.  Han and Trish bond while they're looking for whoever is trying to start this street war.

I'm going to take a moment and talk about wire-fu.  For those who have never heard the term, it's the really elaborate Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon type of fight choreography that involves putting the actors into a harness and using wires to make them defy gravity.  Done well, it can be beautiful and artistic or, used subtly, it can help protect the actors from getting hurt doing difficult or even otherwise impossible stunts.  In this movie, it is neither.

You know what, though?  I don't even care.  I have a huge girl-boner for Jet Li and I have seen this movie about a half dozen times.

RocknRolla (2008)

  I'm seriously beginning to wonder if Madonna is actually a leanan sidhe, a type of vampire from Irish legend that fed on talented human men until they died.  Guy Ritchie must just be recovering from his "marriage" to her because Sherlock Holmes is the first movie he's made since Snatch that hasn't sucked donkey balls.

Sadly, this poor piece of shit movie is yet another victim of The Material Girl's nefarious hungers.  It's just terrible.  Not quite Revolver levels of suckitude, but nowhere near as good as Snatch or Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.  You can tell he was really trying to recapture that magic, though.

Set in the London Underworld, the plot revolves around a core group of characters.  Lenny (Tom Wilkinson) is a crime boss who has made tons of money doing shady real estate deals.  Archy (Mark Strong), his second and also the narrator, disapproves of Lenny getting in on a scam with a Russian billionaire (Karel Roden).  Lenny's step-son Johnny (Toby Kebbel), a rock star and crackhead, steals a painting from his dad's house that belongs to the billionaire.  Also involved in a side plot is the Russian's accountant (Thandie Newton) who is tipping off a group of petty crooks called The Wild Bunch (Gerard Butler, Idris Elba, and Tom Hardy) to rob his money transfers.

There is a lot of homophobic crap throughout, as well as very negative portrayals of homosexuals, which I do not care for at all.  Even leaving that out, this is just a shitty movie.  Too many characters trying to distract you from the fact that there is almost no plot holding this thing together.

American Outlaws (2001)

  That is Colin Farrell playing Jesse James.  Oh, yes, people.  This happened.

Jesse, his brother Frank (Gabriel Macht), and their group of friends return home to Missouri after the Civil War to find that an unscrupulous railroad tycoon (Harris Yulin) is trying to force all the farmers off their land.  Naturally, the James boys take umbrage and resist.  This leads to their family home getting firebombed and their mom (Kathy Bates) getting killed.  So, with their compatriots the Younger boys (Scott Caan, Will McCormack, and Gregory Smith), they head out to start robbing the banks where the railroad company keeps its money.

It's been a while since I've seen a legitimate B-grade Western.  This one is pretty entertaining, for being as crappy as it is.  It looks like a movie where all the big-named people (Timothy Dalton also co-stars as Allan Pinkerton) just had a lot of fun making it.  The action is over-the-top and the acting is sub-par, especially from Ali Larter as the love interest.  Honestly, I'm not sure why she gets face time on the poster.  Definitely one for a rainy day or if you want something fluffy playing in the background during a party.  You don't have to worry that you've missed something if you're not giving it your full attention but it's not so annoying that you'd turn it off.

Rock-A-Doodle (1991)

  This is another of my nostalgia kicks.  I swear I thought I made this up until I came across some random article that mentioned it.  I remember watching this with my brother, who was about 5, over and over again. 

It has not survived well.

Chanticleer (Glen Campbell) is a rooster who crows every morning to make the sun rise.  One morning, he is distracted by the forces of evil and doesn't.  The sun rises without him.  Crushed, Chanticleer leaves the farm.  Storms beset the place and the animals realize that, without the rooster, the sun may never shine again.  This is all well and good for Grand Duke Owl (Christopher Plummer) but a little boy named Edmund (Toby Scott Granger) is determined to bring him back.  Naturally, the owl turns him into a cartoon kitten to prevent him from joining the other animals on their quest to the city to find the rooster.  Meanwhile, Chanticleer has put his pipes to work, rebranding himself as The King, with a thriving stage show.  Fame is no substitute for friendship, however, and The King's evil manager comes up with a solution:  get a dumb, pretty, blonde pheasant (Ellen Greene) to pretend to fall in love with The King.

The animation is pretty crap and the songs are pure drivel.  As an adult, I wanted to claw off my own ears.  This is definitely one to put on for the kids and then vacate the premises.

Timecrimes (2007)

"Los Cronocrimenes"    I don't know that I would call this a "serio-comedy".  I don't even think that's a word.  There are a couple of funny moments but not nearly enough for the label 'comedy'. 

Time travel.  It's dangerous, y'all.  Hector (Karra Elejalde) and his wife (Candela Fernandez) have just moved into a new house.  While in the backyard playing with a pair of binoculars, Hector spies a young woman (Barbara Goenaga) getting naked in the woods.  While on his way to find her --in case she needs some help, of course-- he gets stabbed in the arm by a crazy figure whose head is wrapped in bandages.  He runs away and winds up at some sort of research facility where a technician (writer-director Nacho Vigalondo) helps him hide from the masked man in a mysterious machine.

The film reminds me of The Machinist, which is a much better film than Memento I think, in that it shows you things which seem meaningless, then serve as touchstones throughout the film.  It's well-done, especially for a first-out-the-gate try.  It could have used a little more polish, I think, but I'm sure the 2012 Dreamworks remake will fix that.  Or completely ruin it.  We'll have to wait and see.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

  I'm an idiot.  I misread the date on the back of the DVD box as '97 instead of '91 and was super disappointed in myself because I remember being scared shitless of the old witch lady (Geraldine McEwan) and in '97 I was almost 16, way too old to be scared by that.  But in '91, I was about ten years old.  Which is perfectly acceptable since I hadn't yet inured myself to the kind of gore and violence I am now accustomed --and, in many cases, demand-- to see in my movies.

Moving on.

It's been years since I watched this film.  The first time, as recounted, scared the everliving fuck out of me so I avoided it for years.  I saw it again in my late teens/early twenties and sneered at the cheesiness of it all.  Now, at a hair away from 30, I can finally appreciate the humor in this movie.

Holy crap, Alan Rickman must have had a ball making this (and won a BAFTA for it!).  He steals every scene he's in, he has the best lines, and that whole rushed-marriage-quasi-rape scene has some of the best facial mugging I have ever seen.  Come on, when he puts his butt in the air and scissors Maid Marian's legs apart... I damn near fell off the couch laughing.

Does that make me a bad person?  I mean, obviously, I'd never laugh at an actual rape, or even one being played seriously, but this one?  Come on!  It's played like a cartoon.  Which makes sense, considering the PG-13 rating.  In fact, the only real curse word in the entire movie is said by Christian Slater, and I quote "Fuck me, he cleared it" after Robin Hood and Morgan Freeman catapult themselves over a castle wall.

For the million of you who were born in 1990 or later, Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner) was captured during the Crusades and is facing execution.  He escapes with a Moor named Azeem (Morgan Freeman) and goes back to England, where he finds his family home a ruin and his father (Brian Blessed) killed on the orders of the corrupt Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman).  He seeks refuge in Sherwood Forest and carries out a campaign of robberies to relieve the suffering of those made poor by the Sheriff's taxes, meanwhile wooing Maid Marian (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio), the cousin of King Richard the Lion-hearted.  The Sheriff also wants Marian, because his pet witch tells him that he can marry her and put his own heir on the throne while Richard is away at the Crusades.

It's a bit of a bastardization of the Robin Hood legends but it is an entertaining film.  I recommend it to everyone over the age of 10.